Taylor Swift is single again, another day has its dawn

Just like the sands of time, Taylor Swift finds herself without an 18-year-old boy to hug at nigh-nigh time. Here are my thoughts:

A) Why is Taylor Swift dating 18-year-olds?

I can barely masturbate to anyone my age, let alone ACTUALLY DATE THEM. And seriously, an 18 year-old? What the fuck does he have going on besides having been world famous for a minute? Sure, he’s got that confusing, side-swept hair ‘n bang combo that makes tweens excited in a really uncomfortable way. And maybe he has some money now, but if my exact and unfaltering recollection of boy band money managements past are any indication, I know that young Harry probably doesn’t have THAT much cash floating around. There’s also charm, but homeless guys on the bus can also be charming so that’s null and void.

B) Why does she always have a boyfriend?

Girlfriend needs to take some HER TIME. Stop dating anyone who looks kinda cute and is kinda famous. There are plenty of kinda cute boys to ruin your day when you get older. There’s no need to rush it! Hasn’t she seen every episode of Sex and the City? Love and relationship anguish literally never ends unless you’re lobotomized or in a coma 4ever.

Maybe it’s super lonely being that famous. And sadly it kind of seems like she never had a lot of friends growing up either. But the reason I like being single so much is because I have AMAZING friends. Maybe she should work on forming strong and true friendships this year instead of jumping on every cute celebrity who says they like her Max Martin-produced songs.

C) This may be why she gets dumped a lot

Harry Styles was reported as saying that during their Carribean fight, T-Swift proclaimed “You’re lucky to even be with me.” Whoa, bitch. That is uncalled for. Definitely some ego that NEEDS to be checked. Don’t say that, not to anyone, ever! You are one human being who just happened to become famous by writing songs about failed high school relationships. So what, we’ve all written angsty poems about our high school loves gone wrong. You are successful, but you are not a god. Don’t say shit like that.

I’m not picking sides here and I really don’t even want to defend Harry Styles because I like Taylor Swift’s latest album, but what EXACTLY is lucky about being with Taylor Swift? That once the inevitable break up happens, she’s gonna totally shit on you in an amazing song? Or that everywhere you go, paparazzi are following the both of you? Or maybe it’s the stupid celebrity couple name that need to die in a sick a twisted death that haunts him in his dreams? Haylor. HAYLOR. HUG ME HAYLOR I’M RIGHT HERE BREATHING MOISTLY ON YOUR EYE LID. 

Taylor: please, slow down. Be by yourself. It can be beautiful. Being alone is not sad. It’s fucking awesome. Pizza rolls? Anytime baby. Take a look into what you REALLY want in a partner, and not into their celebrity status or what kind of song you’ll get out of holding hands with someone you think doesn’t deserve to be with you. That’s kinda insane, girl. Get it together!