Hate to break it to you, but that “maybe sometime” relationship you’ve been keeping in your back pocket is totally fucked up.
Some people are so into this. They probably saw it in an episode of Friends and thought it was a “real neat” idea. ‘If you don’t find the love of your life, marry someone who’s more pathetic so you don’t feel bad about not finding anyone better.’ Harsh! Why would anyone set themselves up for this amazing disaster?
This will never be you if you marry a fallback person. Image via goodreads.com
Cue Katherine Heigl filming this exact storyline. Except in her version, she actually falls in love with her fallback, and her fallback falls in love with her, despite her bad wigs. A true Hollywood love story.
Face it: It ain’t gonna happen. Why even have a fallback relationship? Would you really be that much happier with someone you didn’t care to date at your best and most mediocre of moments in life? The “maybe sometime” person is just a façade. Someone you think of when you’re afraid of being lonely, but not someone you think of when you picture a happy life and a good relationship.
At this point in our lives, and the way relationships have progressed throughout the years, we have a loooong time to figure out who we want to end up with. Unless you’re one of those 20 somethings that got married at 21, in which case, congratulations (and fuck you. Just kidding! kind of).
So there’s no rush. But I’m just sayin, don’t peg someone as your backup. Give them, and YOU a chance to find your very own Ryan Gosling or Rachel McAdams. Because they are awesome and mostly everyone, save total idiots, deserve a Ryan Gosling or a Rachel McAdams.
Growing into a 20 something life can be a bit awkward. We don’t have very much money, our high school friends are long gone and our college friends are thinning out. So how and where do entry-level adults meet each other? One place, two words: Dance class.
Yes, it may seem a little like child’s play. But fuck it. Dancing is super fun, good for your body and mind AND dance classes are a great way to meet people. If you’re single, lonely, missing that special groove thang in your life, get your ass to a dance class, stat!
Just think about all the advantages there are to taking a dance class:
You could look this cool. Image via downtowndancefactory.com
As a straight dude:
You’ll be surrounded by women.
You’ll be seriously outnumbered by women. Like, 11 to 1.
These women prance around the room and would be happy to help you learn new dance moves (this is called flirting, or maybe just help if they seem annoyed that you haven’t figured out a Pas de bourrée yet).
If you have crippling dance moves, then you’ll learn something new and gain confidence.
It’s a workout!
It’s fun!
Even if you suck, people will think you’re awesome for trying new things out. And you’ll get attention, in a good way. For real. There’s nothing better than an open person who sucks at something but still works hard to maybe someday not suck.
Everyone else:
Killer workout
learn some new dance moves
Meet new friends who like to dance
Possibly meet a love interest, although this is totally unlikely unless more men, gay and straight, start going to dance classes. It’s all women people, come on! Diversify the genders!
You get to pretend you’re at a practice session to be a Britney Spears backup dancer. Or, Britney Spears.
More people knowing how to dance means more dance battles at night clubs on the weekends. HELL YES.
Need I continue? Even if you think you suck at dancing, just think of it this way: It’s a bunch of Liz Lemons, getting together every Tuesday to dance, just like the Timeless Torches!
Ok, so even though meeting a love interest is slim to none, dance class is still a great place to meet new people. Who knows, maybe your dance partner will have a hot brother, roommate, or non-crazy ex-boyfriend. And if not, you’ll meet some new people to be goofy with in dance class and get drinks afterwards. Win win!
Being in my 20s, I can’t remember the last time I seriously used body splash. Sure I have one stowed in my car for when I forget perfume or get OCD about smelling like flowers. But actually consciously spraying myself with body splash… 7th grade at the latest. (Country Apple, because Bath and Body Works was the shit in middle school)
Image via dylanmaureen.blogspot.com
I’ve recently been caught in a billowing cloud of body splash from a woman who is in her 20s, and it was appalling. How do you say “Honey, what the fuck is wrong with you and your body splash addiction. It’s almost worse than meth” to a complete stranger?
I remember way back in 6th grade during my very own body splash affection phase. Every morning before the bus, I’d spray a little Country Apple throughout my room and dance around in the succulent, $12.50-a-bottle rain that made me smell like a hip orchard. Then one day, my neighbor friend was like “Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you. You put too much of that shit on” but you know, in suburban white girl 6th grade speak that I can’t emulate because now I’m just a jaded, part-time yuppie who is an over-exposed-to-pop-culture suburban white girl. Two totally different dialects.
See, the thing is, when we’re exposed to smells for a really long time, say for instance our own body odor or, ahem, body splash (what’s the difference?!), we tend to get used to it. Our noses crave more, they need more. “Just one more spray, come on. You know you want it too,” says your nose. But your nose is a bitch who’s addicted. Cut her off. Don’t give her what she wants. Tell her to fuck off, because people have been talkin smack and you gotsta regulate.
Don't ever wear this. It never did anyone any favors. Image via health.productwiki.com
But seriously. Men, women, people who still wear Curve (seriously, stop it): Let’s leave it to one, maybe two sprays. Contrary to popular advertisements, dousing yourself in cheap (or expensive) fragrance does not get you the ladies or the mens. It makes them sneeze and run far away from you. Instead of comforting yourself in a few guilty squirts of liquid love, take a fucking shower, give yourself a hug and lay off the sauce-for ALL of us.
This could be you, if you could only stop texting like a fucking moron. Image via topdatingadviceforwomen.com
Dating has always been complicated. Carrie Bradshaw and company have certainly shown us what it’s like to be a successful 30 something amiss in the dating world woes of the 90s. But well over a decade (yikes!) later, dating seems even more complicated with the ever present joy of text messaging.
I’ve asked a couple of friends this same question and every single person is just as stumped as I am. What IS the protocol in dating when it comes to giving someone your number and when (and what) you text them?
Sorry Tommy, 8 weeks is waaaaaay too long to wait in between texts. Image via pinterest
I’ve heard anywhere from 2.5 days (jokingly) to Park and Rec‘s Tom Haverford suggesting that men get phone numbers, wait 8 weeks and then text “What’s crackin” or something equally as uncool.
It’s all just a big gray area. On one hand, you give your phone number to someone and you hope they do something with it. In this day and age, it probably won’t be a phone call because phone calls are seemingly right up there with meeting the parents and getting a joint Netflix account. So everything pretty much lies in the art of the text message.
It sounds lame, but is there really a subconscious time limit when it comes to texting? 8 weeks is a little extreme, but is there some truth in waiting a couple days to make plans so you don’t seem too available? Because believe it or not, no matter your good intentions, being too available or too busy hurts your chances an equal amount. So are we screwed, or is it written in the fates when you’ll meet someone and your weirdo texting customs may just be someone’s big ol’ cup of weirdo love tea?
Breaking: Sometimes dating is awkward
Will this be us? Image via gizmodo.com
Yes, dating is awkward. But how will you ever know what you like if you don’t try on a bunch of turds for size? You may just find the perfect sized turd for the toilet bowl of your life. How perfect would that be?
Also, when did we get too busy/too lame to go on a date? It’s fun, right? You get some drinks, talk about stuff and then decide if you like each other or not.
I can’t tell if it’s just our lazy as fuck generation being totally insecure d-bags when it comes to going on a simple date, or if we all just don’t know what the fuck we’re doing when it comes to the approach. Probably both.
All I know is, we need to get over our hang ups and hang out or we’re all going to end up alone forever. Or with a shit ton of animals that make us smell like a barn. Cuz you know the mens/ladies luuuuuv that shit!
Oh my God. YES. With all this enraging abortion talk, the sparky gals over at etsy have made some amazing crafts centered around our most prized possessions: Our uteri. Amazing! Check out the best ones over at Jezebel.
It’s SPRING! And that means it’s time for a face mask to get all your pale, dry skin into shape. Who the fuck can afford a facial?! Seriously, we make like, gas money and a sandwich an hour. The absolute best and cheapest way to do an at home facial for little to no cost is by using raw eggs.
Now, maybe you’re a raw shit phobe like my dear, sweet mom. Get over it. It’s not going to kill you, and it will make your skin look and feel better. Moving on.
Mona's drunk again. You're doing it wrong, M!!! Image via site.meikomusic.com
Raw Egg Facial
The raw egg facial is actually two facials. You use the egg white as a sort of astringent for your face, and the egg yolk acts as a moisturizer. Nature is like, so genius.
Supplies
1 egg (you can even make it an organic egg. Organic raw egg facial. Mind blown.)
1 fork
2 bowls
washcloth (one for each friend unless you really wanna share, or all of them have been dirty since September)
wine or cocktails
First, get real. Pour your drinks.
You and your gurlfriends/metroguys can use one egg between all of you. I don’t know exactly how many people can use the same egg, but who the fuck ever just has one egg between like 20 people?! We’re poor, but not that poor.
Ok, so crack the egg. Separate the egg white and the egg yolk and place them into two separate bowls. Then, using the fork, break the yolk and stir it until it’s all creamy and mixy. Now you’re ready.
The first facial you’ll want to use the egg white. Spread it around your face with your fingers. Avoid your eyes unless you like putting weird shit in your eyes. Let the mask dry, and then use your washcloth to wash it off with warm water.
Now you’re ready for the second part! Take the egg yolk and spread it on your face all real good like. Let it dry. Then wash it off. You’re finished! Super easy, super, super cheap with a glow of beauty at the end.
This has NEVER, not once EVER been true. And if you're taking advice from a pair of boobs and an ad that looks like that, PLEASE GOD don't take that advice. Image via textingagirl.com
I’d like to say that modern day dating is a lot more annoying that our ancestors 20 years ago. We can thank unlimited text messaging plans for that!
Have you ever given your number to a cute guy or gal and then get bombarded with way too familiar texts using pet names you haven’t created together yet? Those people should be excommunicated from the dating world and sent to text each other into oblivion. Or, we can make them stand in a foot of water and dare them to keep texting. Or make them be cannibals so their thumbs fall off a la The Road. It can be called “The Texting Games.”
Maybe these serial texters think it’s hot, or attentive, or a good way to drag you down and make you cave into hanging out with them (in their parent’s basement or worse-Applebees). Buuuut just about everyone I know gets immediately turned off with a newbie that doesn’t know when to stop sending the dumbest messages alive. Don’t you? I’m not talking about a guy or gal you’re really into keeps texting you because you’re BOTH really into each other. I’m talking, met last night, drunkenly handed over your number, and the grammatically incorrect texts haven’t stopped since then.
Yup! Image via stoppopculture.com
Seriously, where has society failed these people? Was it our dwindling class schedules during the Bush years? The unavoidable era of emo kids who didn’t speak but emoted through text and spoken word recitals? The cancellation of Arrested Development? Or is it those $40 all-inclusive phones you can buy near the register at Walmart and the gas station? Great. So the people you and I hand our numbers out to probably buy their cell phones at gas stations and wore black exclusively from 2003-2008.
My advice for them: If you want to have a long conversation to get to know someone, get a fucking cocktail, don’t text them for three hours and then stalk their facebook ‘likes’ for possible points of interest. It’s creepy, unattractive and every other apalling adjective you can think of.
I’ve always thought the “text three days later” thing was bullshit. Of course there are exceptions, but maybe there’s some serious truth to it for most interactions. It’s nice to want and miss things, right? If they’re just handing over their affection immediately, it feels cheap and mass produced, like a hamburger from McDonalds. There’s nothing special about a hamburger from McDonalds. Don’t be a hamburger from McDonalds! For the love of God, make a plan to be with humans and put the phone down. It’s really best for us all.
You'll fall in love with Muriel instantly. Image via internationalcinemareview.blogspot.com
Muriel’s Wedding is one of those movies that you maybe see every other time you browse Netflix. I’ve always thought it looked interesting, but not the kind of interesting that makes me instantly click play. Like a lazy Sunday morning kind of interesting.
Image via rateyourmusic.com
However, I just finished watching it and it is fantastic. The amazing Toni Collette is Muriel, a 20 something gal who hasn’t really done much with her life, listens to ABBA constantly, is attractively a little chubby and gets into all sorts strange yet believable situations. Her BFF is Rhoda, played by Rachel Griffiths. Both actresses are so young and so, so good in this movie.
Muriel’s Wedding is quirky, before quirky was cool and then ruined by too many skinny people wearing and sayin ironic things. Made in 1994, this movie is a sweet, sad, exciting and lively tale set to the music of ABBA. Can’t go wrong there!!
We all love shopping. It’s euphoric. It’s new, fresh and exciting.
Except for when I was shopping for work clothes for my new job. (yay!) I was absolutely appalled at what I found. Here’s the story.
Going to the local mall in my hometown (mistake number 1), I decided to check out some stores that would probably have pants and slacks that are appropriate for work. My only reasonable choices were Macy’s, Express and New York and Company.
Macy’s
Let me start off by saying that Macy’s has gone so much downhill. I thought Macy’s was supposed to be a NICE department store. Instead there were literally letters falling down from designer sections in the store, broken displays everywhere and the worst, outdated and cheapest bathrooms I’ve seen in a very long time. I don’t know what they’re thinking. Who wants to buy Chanel perfume out of a rundown glass case? Gross!
They have some okay, albeit it way overpriced shit. So I got some stuff on sale. At least their clothes aren’t as shitty as the next two places I went.
"Johnson, I'm sorry but you didn't get the promotion." "But why sir?" "Well, it's your butt crack. It's always showing. And frankly, the board is not pleased." Image via haneswinereview.com
Express
My next stop was Express. I had bought professional pant attire from Express before. However, this time I was shocked at the cheap quality and selection of pants. First, they had low-rise “editor” pants. Who the fuck in their right mind needs a low-rise work pant? Buttcrack Professionals of America? Second, the material was some stretchy, polyester-y blend of whatever they make clothes out of at Maurices. Disgusting. On top of it all, they charge $70 for one pair. I’d rather eat 70 one dollar bills than spend them on those pants.
Also, have their designers met human bodies before? Women aren’t packing penicular heat, so all the extra crotch space is kind of unnecessary.
New York and Company
As I strolled out of Express horrified, I thought I’d look in New York and Company because I had never been in there before. Their clothing looks kind of professional in a boring, white lady republican sort of way. But pants are pants, I thought. To my complete non-surprise, these clothes were in worse condition than anything in Express and even more expensive. Shitty zippers, seams a-mess everywhere I looked. So I ran and never looked back.
These ankle-length pants from H&M fit amazingly and are perfect for work-and spring! Plus they are around $15. Fo real. Image via hm.com
It’s outrageous that these places charge THAT much for their shitty products. It’s no surprise everything in our malls comes from Asia. We know small asian people are working all day for the price of one gas station coffee. And that in itself is another topic. The shitty clothes are not their fault. It’s these terrible companies that charge WAY too much for their clothes, when the people making their clothes aren’t getting paid anything.
At least at Forever 21 and H&M, pretty much the two cheapest places a girl can look fly, we aren’t vastly overpaying to some asshole company. We know what we’re getting at Forever 21. Yeah, the zippers may not work all the time but hey, at the very least they are aware of their shitty products and charge accordingly.
I ended up finding everything I needed at H&M that was way cheaper and better quality than anything at Express and especially New York and Company.
Moral of the story: Don’t shop at those overpriced places. Tell your richer friends and moms to not shop at those places if they are unaware or blind. Because you might as well get the exact same or better things at H&M than overpay at Express or the travesty to the state of New York’s name that is New York and Company.
2PF 