When unlimited texting plans are your enemy

This has NEVER, not once EVER been true. And if you're taking advice from a pair of boobs and an ad that looks like that, PLEASE GOD don't take that advice. Image via textingagirl.com

I’d like to say that modern day dating is a lot more annoying that our ancestors 20 years ago. We can thank unlimited text messaging plans for that!

Have you ever given your number to a cute guy or gal and then get bombarded with way too familiar texts using pet names you haven’t created together yet? Those people should be excommunicated from the dating world and sent to text each other into oblivion. Or, we can make them stand in a foot of water and dare them to keep texting. Or make them be cannibals so their thumbs fall off a la The Road. It can be called “The Texting Games.”

Maybe these serial texters think it’s hot, or attentive, or a good way to drag you down and make you cave into hanging out with them (in their parent’s basement or worse-Applebees). Buuuut just about everyone I know gets immediately turned off with a newbie that doesn’t know when to stop sending the dumbest messages alive. Don’t you? I’m not talking about a guy or gal you’re really into keeps texting you because you’re BOTH really into each other. I’m talking, met last night, drunkenly handed over your number, and the grammatically incorrect texts haven’t stopped since then.

Yup! Image via stoppopculture.com

Seriously, where has society failed these people? Was it our dwindling class schedules during the Bush years? The unavoidable era of emo kids who didn’t speak but emoted through text and spoken word recitals? The cancellation of Arrested Development? Or is it those $40 all-inclusive phones you can buy near the register at Walmart and the gas station? Great. So the people you and I hand our numbers out to probably buy their cell phones at gas stations and wore black exclusively from 2003-2008.

My advice for them: If you want to have a long conversation to get to know someone, get a fucking cocktail, don’t text them for three hours and then stalk their facebook ‘likes’ for possible points of interest. It’s creepy, unattractive and every other apalling adjective you can think of.

I’ve always thought the “text three days later” thing was bullshit. Of course there are exceptions, but maybe there’s some serious truth to it for most interactions. It’s nice to want and miss things, right? If they’re just handing over their affection immediately, it feels cheap and mass produced, like a hamburger from McDonalds. There’s nothing special about a hamburger from McDonalds. Don’t be a hamburger from McDonalds! For the love of God, make a plan to be with humans and put the phone down. It’s really best for us all.


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