Dating: Lay off the body splash, for the love of GOD

Being in my 20s, I can’t remember the last time I seriously used body splash. Sure I have one stowed in my car for when I forget perfume or get OCD about smelling like flowers. But actually consciously spraying myself with body splash… 7th grade at the latest. (Country Apple, because Bath and Body Works was the shit in middle school)

Image via

I’ve recently been caught in a billowing cloud of body splash from a woman who is in her 20s, and it was appalling. How do you say “Honey, what the fuck is wrong with you and your body splash addiction. It’s almost worse than meth” to a complete stranger?

I remember way back in 6th grade during my very own body splash affection phase. Every morning before the bus, I’d spray a little Country Apple throughout my room and dance around in the succulent, $12.50-a-bottle rain that made me smell like a hip orchard. Then one day, my neighbor friend was like “Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you. You put too much of that shit on” but you know, in suburban white girl 6th grade speak that I can’t emulate because now I’m just a jaded, part-time yuppie who is an over-exposed-to-pop-culture suburban white girl. Two totally different dialects.

See, the thing is, when we’re exposed to smells for a really long time, say for instance our own body odor or, ahem, body splash (what’s the difference?!), we tend to get used to it. Our noses crave more, they need more. “Just one more spray, come on. You know you want it too,” says your nose. But your nose is a bitch who’s addicted. Cut her off. Don’t give her what she wants. Tell her to fuck off, because people have been talkin smack and you gotsta regulate.

Don't ever wear this. It never did anyone any favors. Image via

But seriously. Men, women, people who still wear Curve (seriously, stop it): Let’s leave it to one, maybe two sprays. Contrary to popular advertisements, dousing yourself in cheap (or expensive) fragrance does not get you the ladies or the mens. It makes them sneeze and run far away from you. Instead of comforting yourself in a few guilty squirts of liquid love, take a fucking shower, give yourself a hug and lay off the sauce-for ALL of us.

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