You know, it’s always a good laugh when celebrities start a public fight. Because really, Die Antwoord using Lady Gaga’s image and likeness in their new music video for “Fatty Boom Boom” is generating way more buzz and attention around a video and a song that a lot of people probably didn’t care about before. Ahh, marketing! Little Monsters are probably watching it and simultaneously placing hexes on Die Antwoord from the upstairs bedrooms of their parents house. All in the name of views, statistics, and ad revenue.
Dems fighten words. Image via twitter.com
It is surprising that Lady Gaga’s ego got the best of her. No wait, it isn’t. The song for the vid isn’t even that good, and isn’t NEARLY as bangin’ as their first big US hit “I Fink U Freeky.” Yeah it sucks when people talk shit, but are you really gonna get upset about a zef jam group from South Africa who dress in black face/body at least once a week, that had surprising, probably temporary world success this year? Dayum. Ego-tastic.
Plus, way to pull an Eminem and talk shit about all the “popular, superficial sell outs”, while you’re using them to become more successful. What an original idea!
We all know by now that these huge shows like American Idol, X Factor, Buttholes of Turd City, thrive on “Omg, backstage drama behind the scenes! Someone gets mad- and it’s NOT who you think! Next on E!” (FYI it’s always exactly who you think.) Nicki Minaj was recently recorded saying she was gonna seriously fuck some Mariah Carey shit up at a taping of American Idol. Bleh. In the iconic words of Stephanie Tanner, “how rude!”
Another manufactured feud! How delightful! Image via thatgrapejuice.net
Reason number 1 this entire thing was leaked to the press: to get press. If Nicki Minaj was seriously threatening to shoot Mariah Carey (the shooting comment wasn’t recorded, but Mariah told the press it happened so it must be a golden truth), like actually fire a gun at and hit her in the flesh to take her life a la gangsta rap circa 96, I don’t think it would be such a lassiez faire piece of midweek gossip.
Has pop culture gotten so accustomed to crazy fucking shit on television that we are now OK with pop stars threatening violence against each other? It doesn’t matter if it was just a ploy for press or if Minaj actually meant what she said. It just shouldn’t be acceptable to threaten to shoot somebody or beat them up, ESPECIALLY not at work, and be able to keep your job! Plus, with all the crazy shootings that happen in this country every couple of weeks, you’d think Hollywood would have a little social responsibility in not fueling gun violence and generally shitty fucking things. Oh, wait.
Anyways, nobody at American Idol seems to be worried that there are gun threats floating around the judges panel at American Idol. Everyone’s just like “oh no, that’s crazy” in a total April from Parks and Rec voice. Because really? Another “feud between divas!!!” is so passé. Especially if they involve Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, or any other “diva” who would be feuding with an actual piece of human shit if it stole the spotlight from them.
Y’all ain’t no Britneys, and we can smell your famewhore, calculated intention a billion light years away. Cut the lame shit and find middle America someone to forget to see at Walmart concerts next summer.
At first I was not that interested in The Mindy Project, because I’m one of those bitches that judges a book by its cover. The name of this show screams reality competition for people named Mindy. It would be filled with people who have frivolous pill addictions, leave their husbands for a middle aged guy with frosted tips, and dream to someday be on the cover of People Magazine. Also, the idea of ANOTHER medical show (In The Mindy Project, Mindy is a doctor. Doctor office hijinks ensue)? Good god. I’d rather get a yeast infection in my butt. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of Mindy Kaling and all of her wonderful work as a writer on The Office when it was still good. But going purely off the title of the show and the premise, I was definitely underwhelmed. And I was totally wrong.
Mindy, in the show, is obsessed with romantic comedies. She’s a little like her character Kelly from the Office: obsessed with pop culture, girly things and a little nutty about dating. But this time she’s a doctor. She’s got her professional life together, but she just WANTS A HOT, GOOD DATE GOD DAMMIT that turns into the love of a lifetime. And shit gurl, we all know how hard that is to find. The Hugh Grant we want IRL is not the Hugh Grant that actually exists IRL. Sometimes charming, cute, successful dudes like transvestite prostitutes. These are the days of our lives.
Image via wetpaint.com
After watching the first episode, I have to admit that there is something endearing about a successful woman like Mindy’s character Mindy who, despite society and everyone she knows saying “ROMANTIC COMEDIES ARE NOT REAL LIFE, IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,” is still hoping for that special meet cute with the perfect man. I have friends like that. I’d like to think that even in the deepest, darkest shell of a human being, there still lies hope for the greatest meet cute of all time. It’s something that lies in all of us, despite our moments, weeks, months or even years of relationship cynicism. We all want our lobster.
Anyways, the show is a funny and light-hearted take on girls obsessed with finding that perfect meet cute followed by a lifetime of happiness. You watch the show “knowing” it won’t happen, but kind of hoping it does, just like real life! Besides, after you watch the first episode and hear her drunkenly yelling “I’M SANDRA BULLOCK!!” and then getting arrested, you’ll be into it. Plus, Mindy Kaling is writing and starring in this show. What’s up with all these talented hunnies getting tv shows (Yo Lena)?! So fucking cool. At least Hollywood is doing something right with TV.
She looks so sweet and into addicts young. Image via instyle.com
Oh sweet Katy Perry. I’ve only recently accepted her smash hit album Teenage Dream into my life because I’m a stubborn pop bitch and so over gaga’s antics. However, her love life is beginning to show some dark patterns with a past scattered with addicts.
So what’s the deal? Either she’s into some shit too, or she likes to play the savior, although her song “Circle the Drain” would beg to differ. Maybe it’s just that you can’t meet or date anyone who hasn’t been addicted to drugs or anything. Caffeine, porn, cigs, weed, booze, blow, meth, buzzfeed.com, etc. We’ve mostly all got our vices, no matter how big or small our addictions may seem.
Here she is with recently deceased actor and alleged murder suspect Johnny Lewis circa 2006. Sidenote: she looks adorbs. Image via vh1.com
But goodness, does she have a record with boys with substance abuse! First there’s Johnny Lewis of Sons of Anarchy fame, who recently passed away and is now a murder suspect in the death of an 81 year old woman.
Then there was Travis McCoy, singer of the band Gym Class Heroes, who had a pill addiction and is supposedly the inspiration behind “Circle the Drain”.
Then there was her short-lived marriage to Russell Brand, who (breaking the cycle!) was/is a recovering addict (who actually said Katy’s drinking and partyingmade him uncomfortable). Let’s also not forget her fling with John Mayer. He’s almost as bad as drugs anyways.
KP and Travis McCoy. Image via search.j-14.com
So, is it her strict Christian background that sends her into all of these drug-addicts’ arms? Some would argue that being so very religious is an addiction. Maybe she’s searching for someone who is as passionate about something like her dad, who just happens to be a former drug addict as well. Or is it her need for something edgy in her life? Some rock street cred if you will. What’s rock and roll without drugs, right? This is absolutely the darkest spot and pattern I’ve been able to identify in our dear Katy Perry’s life as a pop star. We can only wait until her next romance to see if this is an innocent connection or an unfortunate trend in: The Men of Katy Perry.
She will be the most fabulous tween ever. Look at her faux fur! and she’s only what, 6?! Look out Willow Smith, this gal is already a supa star, and she hasn’t even hit double digits. Love her!
I don’t know how I feel about Xtina’s new song “Your Body”. It’s not horrible by any means, because it sounds just like most things on the radio right now, without autotune because baby gurl has that shit built in. But it’s not a “holy shit, that’s my new jam” kind of song. The hook is alright but forgettable, because as I am writing this post I forgot the name of the song and any melody it had. Not that I have an amazing memory, but still. If this song is any indication of her new album, we might be in a similar situation to her previous album fiasco Bionic.
PLZ FIND INSPIRATION TO BE GREAT AGAIN. Image via youknowyoucare.com
I just don’t get what she’s doing. If you have a voice like Christina Aguilera, you need to pick songs worthy of Christina Aguilera’s voice, not something Ke$ha took a next-morning-whiskey shit on and then passed over. Of course I’m exaggerating because the song isn’t THAT bad, but it’s not up to the standard that we all have in our head of Christina Aguilera. Remember Beautiful, or anything she did before Bionic? That shit was gold because it had personality. But lately it’s like she’s chasing trends that started 5 years ago, and it is NOT working in her favor. Diva legends don’t chase old trends; they hire talented enough people to create their next award-winning image for them create new ones. Xtina isn’t doing herself any favors by picking songs that are infinitely forgettable.
Where’d her Stripped passion go? Shit, even Back to Basics? Did being rich and comfortable ruin her ability to put out a good album? Or is she just an amazing voice with little artistic fury? Only time will tell. But if personality-disordered Britney can put out AMAZING fucking albums AND be on a TV show just like Xtina (what is this, 1999 again?), then I just don’t know about this girl.
(And please, there is no way there is an Xtina Britney feud because of their “warring” shows. Our Princess of Pop Brit-Brit is too medicated to give a shit about mostly everything.)
Seriously, FUCK Lana Del Rey. If Britney Spears, the famous lip-syncer and mental breakdown lady can sound amazing LIVE on SNL, then anyone should. Watch is. She’s AMAZING! There’s just something about her that you can’t look away from. Lana del Rey just kind of stood there too, and everyone was like “what the fuck bitch!” But when Brit Brit stands there the entire song, singing live, you just stare at her. Je ne sais quoi to the max.
But for real, this gives me hope that someday we may have a Britney back that is more involved in performance and music career. Watching her on the X Factor is weird, because she has psychological issues that leave her in a conservatorship where she can’t make any life decisions on her own. But she’s judging a HUGE talent competition like the X Factor? It just seems kind of weird. Almost like all the people surrounding her, even though they have her off the street drugs and on the prescribed ones, are exploiting her name and face for millions of dollars. Sometimes I just don’t know what to think about our B. Spears. I love her to death, but her life is fucking insane.
OH god. It’s like the gods of terrible music, hair and style started subsidizing meth to cupid workers in a heaven that looks like a back alley somewhere in Detroit.
You can bet your bottom dollar that these two are going to annoy the shit out of us in any way possible via reality shows, scat porn, you name it. It was reported that they have been together for 6 months, which is way too soon to know if you want to marry someone btw. Is this Chad Kroeger’s plan to finally become cool in America? Hahaha that’s so sweet. But going through Avril Lavigne is not the way to do it. Putting two of the most uncool, “seriously, who the fuck are their fans” people together is as confusing as a sex dream about a member of your extended family.
Love is love, so if it’s true to them, more power to ’em. Chavril? Oh sweet mother of god.
“American Idol, where washed up people go to have only slightly less terrible careers!” Image via allhiphop.com
American Idol judge rumors
Reports have been circulating completely leaked by anyone who works at American Idol that a bunch of HUGE OMG stars are considering judging on American Idol next season. I’ve read reports that Kanye, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are all rumored to be in consideration for a judge spot on the biggest “that show is still on?” show on TV.
First of all, no. Anyone with an actual artistic career (Kanye and Nicki) would be an idiot to accept a position like this on TV. American Idol is used not so much as a platform for hopeful nobodies to neverfinally earn notoriety, but more as a restart button for stars who have faded from the spotlight and need to fuel their addiction to gay russian squirrel porn pay their bills and egos. Exhibit A:
Groundbreaking. Image via awesomehq.com
Paula Abdul wasn’t doin’ shit before she was on the show, besides starring in scat videos. I wouldn’t know if she was a household name when her career hit its peak for that month in 1993 because I learning how to spell and shit. But if she hadn’t been a judge on American Idol, not many people would remember her mediocre pop career.
J Lo had a failed marriage and some kids, but wasn’t really doing anything in the realm of entertainment. It’s funny that she’s so famous, because I don’t think she’s ever done anything that’s earned critical praise post In Living Color. Or any kind of praise at all. It’s a corporate conspiracy!
Stephen Tyler, who the fuck knows. He was bored? He got sober and needed something to distract him from drugs and boozey treats?
See? Nobody ACTUALLY relevant and present-day successful becomes a judge on a shitty television show where you have to vote for people you’ll see at your local Walmart during their summer “tour.” That being said, let’s expect to welcome Mariah Carey to American Idol this fall, with the perfect amount of “you’ll never be as good as me” enthusiasm that the young kids really need to hear more of these days.
Do Something! Awards aka C-list celebrities sniffing their own farts
Oh great. Pseudo-celebs gathering on VH1 (seriously, what the fuck happened to that network) to praise themselves and each other for BEING SO GREAT at the Do Something! Awards. Isn’t the point of doing charity work helping others and not calling attention to how great you are?! Sure, it’s nice to party, and I’m sure it’s even nicer to party and be on TV (even if it IS on VH1). But good god. Famewhores alert! Is Ryan Lochte gonna be there too?!
The stunning presenter list includes Kristin Bell, John Cho, Olivia Munn, Will Ferrell, Harry Shum, Jr. I don’t know who the last guy is. Fitting!
Taylor Swift at the VMAs
So I saw this promo for the MTV VMAs with Taylor Swift and Kevin Hart.
And this is what came to mind: Her deadpan is actually really good, and girlfriend could use about 5 cigarettes a day. I would love to hear a gritty, cigged-out Taylor Swift throat singing all her “you should fuck off and die, bastard!” songs. Let’s start a campaign!
2PF 