Music: Christina Aguilera’s new song is no comeback material

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I don’t know how I feel about Xtina’s new song “Your Body”. It’s not horrible by any means, because it sounds just like most things on the radio right now, without autotune because baby gurl has that shit built in. But it’s not a “holy shit, that’s my new jam” kind of song. The hook is alright but forgettable, because as I am writing this post I forgot the name of the song and any melody it had. Not that I have an amazing memory, but still. If this song is any indication of her new album, we might be in a similar situation to her previous album fiasco Bionic. 

PLZ FIND INSPIRATION TO BE GREAT AGAIN. Image via youknowyoucare.com

I just don’t get what she’s doing. If you have a voice like Christina Aguilera, you need to pick songs worthy of Christina Aguilera’s voice, not something Ke$ha took a next-morning-whiskey shit on and then passed over. Of course I’m exaggerating because the song isn’t THAT bad, but it’s not up to the standard that we all have in our head of Christina Aguilera. Remember Beautiful,  or anything she did before Bionic? That shit was gold because it had personality. But lately it’s like she’s chasing trends that started 5 years ago, and it is NOT working in her favor. Diva legends don’t chase old trends; they hire talented enough people to create their next award-winning image for them create new ones. Xtina isn’t doing herself any favors by picking songs that are infinitely forgettable.

Where’d her Stripped passion go? Shit, even Back to Basics? Did being rich and comfortable ruin her ability to put out a good album? Or is she just an amazing voice with little artistic fury? Only time will tell. But if personality-disordered Britney can put out AMAZING fucking albums AND be on a TV show just like Xtina (what is this, 1999 again?), then I just don’t know about this girl.

(And please, there is no way there is an Xtina Britney feud because of their “warring” shows. Our Princess of Pop Brit-Brit is too medicated to give a shit about mostly everything.)

Britney Spears singing live on SNL circa “Everytime” is amazing

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Seriously, FUCK Lana Del Rey. If Britney Spears, the famous lip-syncer and mental breakdown lady can sound amazing LIVE on SNL, then anyone should. Watch is. She’s AMAZING! There’s just something about her that you can’t look away from. Lana del Rey just kind of stood there too, and everyone was like “what the fuck bitch!” But when Brit Brit stands there the entire song, singing live, you just stare at her. Je ne sais quoi to the max.

But for real, this gives me hope that someday we may have a Britney back that is more involved in performance and music career. Watching her on the X Factor is weird, because she has psychological issues that leave her in a conservatorship where she can’t make any life decisions on her own. But she’s judging a HUGE talent competition like the X Factor? It just seems kind of weird. Almost like all the people surrounding her, even though they have her off the street drugs and on the prescribed ones, are exploiting her name and face for millions of dollars. Sometimes I just don’t know what to think about our B. Spears. I love her to death, but her life is fucking insane.

LONG LIVE THE PRINCESS OF POP

No wonder Justin Timberlake is scarred from making music ever again

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This version of “I Want You Back” was obviously never released in America. It explains everything.

PS: I will cut a bitch who says this isn’t one of the best vocal groups of our modern age, even if they do have crazy terrible millennium-euro-dance videos. HOLLA JC.

Celebrité: The Evolution Of LeAnn Rimes

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It’s GOTTA be a little bit humiliating growing up and going through puberty while being famous. Can you imagine your very own chubby years, shitty teeth, bad hair decisions and awful outfits being photographed while you were winning Grammys and still trying to figure out how to use a fucking tampon?! NEVER. I can’t even fathom the thought. Also, do you remember how huge her song “Blue” was? I was living in Kansas as a child at the time, so maybe it was forgotten in other less-country places in the world. But holy shit, talk about a 180 image change! Country child star to marrying the guy she co-homewrecked two marriages with. I smell a Lifetime movie somewhere.

Check out Buzzfeed’s The Evolution Of LeAnn Rimes.

And listen to her voice here. She was 13. HOLY MOLY. No comparison to other young country stars. Except maybe the legendary Billy Gilman.

A walk down Lana Del Rey’s confusing commercial career

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Lana Del Rey for H&M. Image via guardian.co.uk

Lana Del Rey.

Girl’s got a great aesthetic. She’s an H&M model, a new artist on the scene with a retro vibe, and a totally hot babe. I like 3 of her songs from her debut album “Born to Die”. Summertime Sadness is my jam right now, because fall is sooooo almost here and I’m over summer and all its philandering ways. In my quest to reevaluate my lukewarm feelings towards Lana Del Rey, I decided to do a little more research. Who knows, maybe her ethereal-old timey Nancy Sinatra angle just needed some time to seep in. Maybe not.

Image from Buzzfeed

In my research, I came across this article on Buzzfeed called “26 Meanest Quotes From Reviews of Lana Del Rey’s ‘Born to Die.‘” They’re not so much mean as they are a “what the fuck, commercial industry?! If you’re gonna push some shit in our face, make it better than… this.” She really does have an opposing magnets vibe. Most of her songs are listenable, but listenable isn’t a “HOLY FUCK IF WE DON’T LISTEN TO THIS SONG RIGHT NOW I’M GONNA FUCK YOUR HEAD.” And isn’t that what most mainstream pop music strives for? True, her tunes ain’t dancepopsynthpuke, but the target market is similar. That’s why her entire existence is confusing. You don’t market lukewarm tea to coke addicts. That’s like, marketing 101. You market cocaine to cocaine addicts and lukewarm tea to people who like to stay indoors.

I also wanted to watch her SNL debacle performances again, because I forgot what was so bad about them. Was she standing still too much? Was she pitchy? Was she boring? It’s so much more than that. This person does not look ready to have a career as a mainstream singer. She looks, acts and sings like she’s empty: a shell of a guaranteed faux-indie consumer success. And maybe she is empty. Sometimes we’re all a little empty. What’s weird is that she isn’t using that emptiness in her performance or art, which is the biggest cardinal sin of being an artist: use what’s screwed up about you and turn it into gold. She’s using what she’s not and turning it into ‘meh’. Good plan!

Kind of empty. Image via nydailynews.com

She’s also landed a campaign with H&M for fall 2012. The clothes look good, and again her aesthetic is appealing. But there’s not anything behind her stares. Her poses seems fragile and shy. Maybe in a pop world full of Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj, LDR’s understated image is calculated as some kind of counteract to the exhausting, never-ending motion of the modern pop star. All of the aforementioned pop stars have a clearly defined personality/music/market that we all know and either love or hate. LDR severely lacks personality, spark, that je ne sais quoi that sends the right participants on a one way journey to superstardom.

She seems like a nice girl, someone you would get frozen yogurt with and watch a movie you’ve already seen 100 times. As for being some sort of pop star, we’re still waiting for a personality to emerge from behind the technically beautiful and commercially calculated image that is barely conceivable as human.

Listen: Robyn “Include Me Out” and “In My Eyes”

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Image via soundcloud

GOD DAMN do I love Robyn. She is so fucking awesome and authentic, which is a strange combo for such a famous and amazing pop star. I would definitely want this girl on my side in a fight. Or to talk to about a breakup. Or anything really, because she’s that fucking cool.

Me being lame as fuck, I only had her album “Body Talk Pt 1” and self-titled “Robyn.” In a fit of boredom genius, I decided I should finally download the second installment of her Body Talk albums. It’s similar to “Body Talk Pt 1” obviously, but just as fucking good.

I also LOVE In My Eyes. It sounds so fresh. Like cucumbers and sequins. Robyn is the fucking SHIT.

Taylor Swift continues her ex-boyfriend bashing on new single

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How does she keep dating people?! Why is anyone dating her? She throws every ex under the bus in a hit single. Which must be an awesome feeling for her. And for us to live vicariously through a successful scorned woman singing number one hits is kind of cool. We’ve all got some people to sing this song to. But girlfriend better start making some different songs besides “You Are The Biggest Piece of Shit I’ve Ever Seen” and “I Will Literally Ruin Your Career (Joe Jonas)”.

As for the single, it’s not bad. Produced by Max Martin I expected a little more oomph, but what can you really do with a girl who needs to stay with basic instruments because of her country background? I’d like to hear an electronica version of it, because this version sound like a watery song made just for radio (duh) but that makes the song so boring. Why do radio stations love light guitar,light drums, an ok melody and an ok voice? The world may never know.

Listen: “Classic Radio” by Pick Up Freud

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The beginning beat reminds me of walking down a sidewalk with a particular spring in my step. Alt rockin’ in yo head. DIG! Check out their Fbook for more info on their upcoming album release!!! And if you’re in the Boston area, be on the look out for live shows!

Image via Facebook

 

Lady Gaga making some questionable career choices

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Image via buzzworthy.mtv.com

I’m not sure how this has flown under my radar. But shit, the 24 hour news cycle coupled with trying to get laid really narrows a girl’s news intake. Plus I don’t really read Perez anymore. All the positivity makes me disgruntled.

First of all: Lady Gaga, our dear leader, has reportedly cast Lindsay Lohan in an upcoming music video. It makes a lot of sense actually, considering that Gaga’s entire career theme is playing the part of a pop star. Now she has allegedly cast one of Hollywoods greatest-still-living trainwrecks in a music video, probably to play some kind of “tragic” persona as well, which obviously isn’t a stretch for Ms. Lohan.

Image via littlemonsters.com

Anyways, it seems like a strange career move for Lady Gaga to put her in her music vid. She is notoriously bad-behaved on sets and Gaga is a notorious hard worker. Maybe she thinks she’ll be able to save her. Trying to save anyone is always a huge disappointment, and we’ve all had enough Lilo comeback/”She’s back!” disappointments for a lifetime.

Secondly, Gaga’s next album will be titled ARTPOP, an acronym for “Artistic Revolution Through the Potential of Pop.” She even tattooed it on her arm and took a picture of it to release to her fans at littlemonsters.com. I know Gaga is talented, we all do. She’s the credible popstar who is actually involved in the composition, writing and theme of each of her albums. And for this we are grateful. However, it will be interesting to see if this is going to be another “Born This Way” uplifting, accept yourself anthem-y album, or if she’ll break out some dance hits like her first 2 albums, “The Fame” and my personal Gaga favorite “The Fame Monster”. We all know Gaga is one for absolute artistic expression, so it’s all up in the air until we hear it. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that she doesn’t take a seriously left field turn with ARTPOP, because having Gaga on the dance floor is always a delight.

Foiled yet again! Justin Timberlake NOT releasing new album

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Instead of making music, Justin is playing pretend in Ken wigs in his backyard. Or something. Image via justjared.com

Just like the sands of time, rumors of a new Justin Timberlake album have resurfaced into our lives. And, just like disappointing fellatio, JT takes any hope of musical cunnilingus out of our dry, tired hands.

Come on, JT. Give the people what they want. Cornrows, amazing costumes and Timbaland-produced beats. With every passing year, the pressure and excitement grows. Which is probably annoying for him, and definitely excruciating for us. It’s like a boner that won’t ever stop, and won’t ever see a beautiful, majestic release.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JT. Do it for all the boners in America. We are dying.