I am brimming with emotions. Image via collider.com
HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A MOTHERBOARD. I can’t believe this is real. I can barely type fast enough. I’m so sososososo excited!!!!
Watch his explanation video here of why it took him so long to release a new album. Short version- he cares so much about music and he wanted to wait until the feeling was right about it to release something. It’s a lot more poignant and heartfelt in the video. And kudos to his team and friends for not leaking ANY of this to the press beforehand. When he tweeted this cryptic message last night:
Set an alarm bitches. Image via twitter
that’s only when everyone started to heavily assume it was new music. But, after 6 years of hoping for a new album from one of our most beloved performers, we finally got the reprieve we have been waiting for all these years.
I have so many emotions on this Thursday morning. There is hope again in a once bleak and scary world. There is love where there once was nothing. There is an end in sight to the years of darkness that surrounded us all. Our Prince of Pop has returned. Welcome Back Sir. We’ve missed you more than can be conveyed in words or screams or ritual killings.
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS MUTHAFUCKIN’ BACK. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU UNIVERSE.
Just like the sands of time, Taylor Swift finds herself without an 18-year-old boy to hug at nigh-nigh time. Here are my thoughts:
A) Why is Taylor Swift dating 18-year-olds?
I can barely masturbate to anyone my age, let alone ACTUALLY DATE THEM. And seriously, an 18 year-old? What the fuck does he have going on besides having been world famous for a minute? Sure, he’s got that confusing, side-swept hair ‘n bang combo that makes tweens excited in a really uncomfortable way. And maybe he has some money now, but if my exact and unfaltering recollection of boy band money managements past are any indication, I know that young Harry probably doesn’t have THAT much cash floating around. There’s also charm, but homeless guys on the bus can also be charming so that’s null and void.
B) Why does she always have a boyfriend?
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk
Girlfriend needs to take some HER TIME. Stop dating anyone who looks kinda cute and is kinda famous. There are plenty of kinda cute boys to ruin your day when you get older. There’s no need to rush it! Hasn’t she seen every episode of Sex and the City? Love and relationship anguish literally never ends unless you’re lobotomized or in a coma 4ever.
Maybe it’s super lonely being that famous. And sadly it kind of seems like she never had a lot of friends growing up either. But the reason I like being single so much is because I have AMAZING friends. Maybe she should work on forming strong and true friendships this year instead of jumping on every cute celebrity who says they like her Max Martin-produced songs.
C) This may be why she gets dumped a lot
Harry Styles was reported as saying that during their Carribean fight, T-Swift proclaimed “You’re lucky to even be with me.” Whoa, bitch. That is uncalled for. Definitely some ego that NEEDS to be checked. Don’t say that, not to anyone, ever! You are one human being who just happened to become famous by writing songs about failed high school relationships. So what, we’ve all written angsty poems about our high school loves gone wrong. You are successful, but you are not a god. Don’t say shit like that.
I’m not picking sides here and I really don’t even want to defend Harry Styles because I like Taylor Swift’s latest album, but what EXACTLY is lucky about being with Taylor Swift? That once the inevitable break up happens, she’s gonna totally shit on you in an amazing song? Or that everywhere you go, paparazzi are following the both of you? Or maybe it’s the stupid celebrity couple name that need to die in a sick a twisted death that haunts him in his dreams? Haylor. HAYLOR. HUG ME HAYLOR I’M RIGHT HERE BREATHING MOISTLY ON YOUR EYE LID.
They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com
Taylor: please, slow down. Be by yourself. It can be beautiful. Being alone is not sad. It’s fucking awesome. Pizza rolls? Anytime baby. Take a look into what you REALLY want in a partner, and not into their celebrity status or what kind of song you’ll get out of holding hands with someone you think doesn’t deserve to be with you. That’s kinda insane, girl. Get it together!
What the fuck! This is awesome. I wanna hang out with this guy and just MAKE stuff. It wouldn’t even matter if it was just paper cutouts of snowflakes that we pasted Ashley Olsen/Michelle Tanner’s face on and called them “Snow Rudes” or something. Oh wait that’s the middle sister Stephanie’s line, right? Who cares.
The Swedes really know how to do pop music. That is their thing. I will worship them forever. I’m absolutely not kidding. Robyn, MAX MARTIN?!?!?! If you don’t know who Max Martin is, he is the man who has produced nearly ever number one hit in America in the past 20 years. There is something in the water in that country that breeds awesome fucking people, beauty, and amazing, out-of-this-WORLD pop music. Expect a compilation of the best pop music of Sweden in the neartime future.
Oh dear. By now you’ve either read all the horrible reviews of Liz and Dick, or you’ve actually seen the movie and know what’s what. Well, here are my thoughts.
Lindsay Lohan was either playing a present-day version of Liz Taylor, or a 60s version of Lindsay Lohan.
The guy who played Dick is WAAAAY too fucking old! Why would they pick him to be Richard Burton? I might have believed Aaron Carter more.
The costumes were fucking AWESOME. At least Lindsay Lohan had some sweet fucking threads to wear. She definitely looked better in this movie than she does in any paparazzi shot, even with the cheek implants!
Creed from The Office is in this movie. Also, Miranda’s boyfriend/baby daddy from Sex and the City. They do Lifetime
The smoking scenes in the movie were the moments when Linds really shined. Image via eonline.com
movies too!
I’m not sure Lindsay’s shoddy performance was ENTIRELY her fault. The entire breaking-down-the-fourth-wall flashes where Liz and Dick were speaking directly to the audience was SUCH a horrible call. What kind of good director would EVER think that’s a good idea? I thought somebody decided that nobody likes breaking the fourth wall? I know I hate it. WE WANT TO BELIEVE DAMMIT!
Granted, we were trying to play the Liz and Dick drinking game, so memories of most of the movie get fuzzy. But the story seemed hard to follow regardless with all the scene jumping and bad wigs.
Lindsay really looked at home whenever she had a cigarette in her hands or a bottle of vodka to pull from. Method acting/her IRL behavior.
It is starting to feel gross making fun of Lindsay Lohan. This was the best she could do, and a pretty accurate view of why she was even filming a Lifetime movie in the first place. However, it is crucial to note that an equal amount of blame for this bad Lifetime movie should fall on the writers, producers and director. Regardless of the actors, Liz and Dick is a steaming pile all on its own without Lindsay’s wobbly star power to reel in the ratings.
Sidenote: gross, Danielle Fishel. Topanga has suddenly found her star reignited, so she made a spoof of Lindsay’s Liz on The Soup. It’s almost like making fun of Britney post head-shaving. Not cool bitch. Nobody was thinking of you a week ago, and now you’re shitting on a crazy actress with substance abuse problems who hits Floridan psychics?! Ugh, get off your Disney channel high horse you turd!
This. Is. HORRIFYING. Christina Aguilera performed a medley of songs off her latest disappointing album at the AMAs last night and holy shit. This is not a comeback. This is an embarrassing attempt to be relevant.
I was willing to take her new album Lotus in my arms in the small chance that it was going to be like Stripped, or even Back to Basics. But good god, could it be any more apparent that she got the floor scraps from Rihanna, Britney and Ke$ha’s producers?
First of all, the first single off of Lotus (which got horrible reviews btw) is titled “Your Body”. Over the past couple of years, her appearance has shocked pretty much everyone and has been a huge topic whenever Xtina is brought into the conversation. So without listening to the song, you’d think it’d be some kind of body empowerment which is a pretty socially relevant topic. Maybe something a la “Born This Way” by Miz GaGa. But no. It’s about literally fucking bodies. The uncensored version sounds like she really wants to fuck dead bodies. Necrophilia ain’t cool unless there’s a teen novel that idolizes it. Did nobody tell her this? Is she really that hard to work with? Is she really that out of touch? (yes, yes she is.)
Boring. Image via billboard.com
The thing is, Christina is SO out of touch with what’s cool or even relevant, that she can’t even pull of a decent performance. Her AMAs performance is a shitty rip off of not only herself circa her “Beautiful” empowerment era, but a not-even-trying-to-hide-it rip off of Lady Gaga’s last album. Instead of empowering others, Lotus is more of a self-righteous, self-indulgent outcry of “I’m talented, I’M CHRISTINA AGUILERA, the never-as-famous-or-interesting-as-Britney, ipso facto, WORSHIP ME HEATHENS. And buy my shithole album, wink!”
I can’t wait until people stop reveling in her decade ago relevancy/talent and make her actually work for her name. Because for real, that performance wasn’t SHIT. It’s even more disappointing because everyone knows she could do better because of the voice. I mean, it’s cool to have a good voice, but Jesus CHRIST. Find some style. Have a relevant stage show. Look healthy. Do something besides remind us how talented you used to be, and how embarrassing you are now.
OH MY GOD. This song. The chorus vocals and instrument combination slices me open. But is strangely soft at the same time. This song is for real. Is her new album out yet? It should be.
I stand corrected. This bitch is ON TOP. Image via justjared.com
Watch me eat every single bad word I have ever said about Taylor Swift. Her latest album Red is pretty much the best album I’ve heard in a very long time. Sure, she’s got a weird and crazy love life. But she knows how to make amazing records from it (and to be fair, every celebrity and human being has a fucked up love life).
The thing I’ve come to realize in liking Taylor Swift’s Red is that she is arguably the most talented person in pop music right now. Nuff said.
Red is an eclectic mix of alt rock, pop and a little bit of country. She channels U2, then Stevie Nicks, then maybe a little Regina Spektor, then Katy Perry. And the cool thing is that it never feels tired or contrived. It’s bold and honest and still really fun. It’s the album any pop star would kill to put out, because she drew inspiration across MANY genres but made it work like the baddest bitch ever. I want to close the doors to my room and do some soul-searching/dancing to this album, because that’s how good it is. I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s good, it’s just that I’m surprised that I love it so much already. This is her best album to date and I cannot stress how good this album is. Do yourself a favor and get it.
Here are some really noteworthy tracks, although to be honest the entire album is comprised of noteworthy tracks.
All Too Well
“All Too Well” is alleged to be about Jake Gyllenhaal, and holy shit. It cuts pretty deep. “Maybe we got lost in translation/ maybe I asked for too much/ but maybe this thing was a masterpiece til you tore it all up” and “you call me up again just to break me like a promise/so casually cruel in the name of being honest/I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here/ because I remember it all too well.” Ok, girlfriend is fucking growing up, and I am fangirling the shit out of her 20 something love life songs like a new Spice Girls album release in the 90s. This song is amazing.
I Knew You Were Trouble
Um. Yeah. That’s Taylor Swift doing Katy Perry better than Katy Perry. This song is gonna be fucking HUGE. The melodies are spot on and remind me of late 90s/early 00s pop music. This song is baller af.
State of Grace
This is her U2 inspired song. And it totally fucking works.
Begin Again Live
This song is really sweet and reminds me of early Sheryl Crow for some reason.
2PF 
