EW. Holy shit. The 2013 MTV Movie Awards were not a great compilation of fashion this year. Not to mention the fact that I know I’m getting older, but who the fuck are most of the people on the red carpet?! My guess would be B-list “teen” celebs from MTV original shows (lol) and the CW.
Hit
Taylor Hanson
Legit, the only person I say who looked amazing head to toe. He’s so fucking handsome. And you can also tell he’s not a total piece of shit because he A) dresses himself and has great personal style or B) has enough brains to have a stylist. A+ Taylor!
Miss
Macklemore
Okay. So, if Macklemore is going the pop artist route in mainstream society, then I owe him a congratulations. He wore something weird that will get the media talking. If I may deconstruct the outfit a bit, it feels as if the black tie and shirt underneath the blue suit is kind of grounding him, or serving as a reminder that he’s a “regular guy” with an eccentric shell. The cape is kinda fun, the hair has a style and shape, and he doesn’t look like a total hot mess. The shoes are horrid though.
I feel for men because there aren’t a lot of options or opportunities to be really creative with fashion without looking like a jag. He gets a B+ for effort.
Mess
Hayley Williams
She is definitely a cute bitch. Her hair looks fun and she’s got a pretty smile. But overalls are not okay. EVER. And oh lord, that bag. Is it underwear? Is she carrying lipgloss inside of theoretical old butt stains around on a red carpet? Honey, no.
Honorable Mess
Hana Mae Lee
What the fuck is that? OH! It’s a cigarette butt. Cuz people should PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!!!!!! stop smoking? Woulda been a cute look otherwise, but then nobody would be talking about it or her. Clever publicist, but stupid, stupid outfit.
Justin Timberlake is such a great performer. Everyone likes him so much. I’m just so proud of him for getting out of the rut it is to be in a defunct boy band. I mean, look at all the other boy bands of his era and before. Justin is the only really successful one with music, seeing as JC Chasez, with his holy-shit VOICE, kinda fucked his career over by writing/choosing terrible fucking songs.
I don’t even know what the fuck the boys of 98 Degrees are up to, and who cares. Nick Lachey just recorded some lullabys bc he had a kid with former MTV VJ Vanessa Manilo (who are his adult fans lol?! Seems like a decent chap but blegh, boring). And no one in the Backstreet Boys had any kind of a majorly successful solo career seeing as they are on tour with NKOTB and maybe some other people. THAT IS 10 MEN WHO SING. What a weird backstage probably.
Anyways, JT is awesome. I love his artistic self-worth (not putting out an album just because he could) and his dedication to performing, whether it’s on a stage singing or in his movie career. He’s a true performer and artist who is dedicated to authenticity, which is something you don’t see as much on the mainstream stage. Maybe his dedication to authentic music stems from his teens and early twenties in a boy band where everything was chosen for him by a bunch of gross, overweight suits in a tall, scary building somewhere.
JT, WE LOVE YOU. I can’t wait to see the rest of his Justin Timberweek performances on Jimmy Fallon. I’m holding out for “Like I Love You” cuz I really want him to do the dance from it. And bring back the stage from his first solo MTV performance in 2002. EEEEEP!! 2013 is so ballin’. It’s like 2003 all over again.
Like any good Britney fan, I was worried when I read this morning that she had dyed her hair brown. If anyone remembers 2006/2007 correctly, you’ll know that brit brit dyed her hair dark brown circa the recording of “Blackout” (best B album ever) and set off her very public mental breakdown surrounded by episodes of umbrella bashing, a shaved head, and a couple of trips to rehab. It still almost brings a tear to my eye.
To my great relief, this time around it doesn’t seem like B has dyed her hair brown as any kind of mental health statement. It’s a good color for her skin tone, her dress is really great actually, and there appears to be life in her eyes. This is awesome. Yay Britney!
She is also busy-ish working on what she calls “Blackout 2.0”. Maybe she’s channeling her past insanity/genius to make the best Britney album EVER. Here’s hoping!
Britney Spears’ “Gimme More”
May the lord bless her precious little heart. And her dancing!!!!
I’ve gotta say, Oscars fashion totally disappointed me this year. I was not really impressed with anybody’s total look. Which sucks, because it’s so fun to love the glamourous outfits of the uber riche and talented. But alas, if you have to choose, you have to choose. Here are my hits, misses and MESSES (THERE’S A LOT OF MESS).
Hit
Sally Field
I think Sally Field had the best look of the night. I don’t even want to say “for her age” but I feel like I have to because it’s part of why I think she is best dressed. The entire dress has an interesting part that compliments her body shape while giving us something interesting to look at. I especially like where all the fabric meets at the waist. It’s such a cool focal point. Plus, the color is vibrant but not too in your face.
Her hair is done up, but not in a “I’m an old lady” fashion like Meryl Streep does (come ON meryl, you are hot as fuck. get some rad hair styles goin on!) Her bangs are chill, the updo is loose, makeup is light but good. All together, the best look of the night.
Love it. Image via the huffington post
Renee Zellweger
Yeah she’s got a cray cray face sometimes. But she looks fucking GOOD in this dress. Sadly I think it’s the most fun dress of the night.
Image via buzzfeed
Jennifer Hudson
J Hud’s look is good. The dress is interesting and her hair, pose and makeup all looks great together.
Image via buzzfeed
Daniel Radcliffe
He looks great. Hair looks real, not a fuckton of foundation to sweat through. Well done.
Image via buzzfeed
Naomi Watts
Rad.
Image via buzzfeed
Charlize Theron
She’s just cool as fuck.
Image via buzzfeed
Hugh Jackman
Because he rocks.
Image via buzzfeed
Robert Deniro
ITS BOBBY DENIRO. NUFF SAID.
Image via buzzfeed
Miss
Nicole Kidman
I like, don’t love. It’s cool but it’s really fucking shiny and not really fitting with her public persona. I did like when she twice critiqued the shitty producers of this years show. Once for heavily cutting off a guy who was clearly not finished with his speech by mouthing her disappointment, and once when she was presenting and they were trying to rush the crowd’s applause. Surprisingly, she wins in personality!
Image via buzzfeed
Norah Jones
Good fucking lord! The hair! WHAT was she thinking? NO. Never, ever wear your hair like this. Anyone.
At first you’re like “Fuck yeah, Kelly Rowland is at the Oscars!” And then you’re like “Wait, that is some ugly dress.” What a horrible dress. She’s young and pretty enough to not look like a total mess in a bomb like this, so kudos to her. But ICK!
Image via buzzfeed
Mess
Kristen Stewart
Oh dear lord. I am totally biased because I don’t like her very much. But good god, put a fucking comb through your hair if you’re going to be on tv. It’s so basic. Like, no effort. The dress kind of looks like vertical layers of a wedding cake. BO-RING. And the dark circles under her eyes… what, was she been sniffing undies all morning and didn’t have time? Get it together gurl. You can do better than this. CARE ABOUT SOMETHING. FEEL.
Did your mother teach you to stand like that? Jesus Christ! You know it’s no shock that she dressed like this. If she ever ends up on a best dress list, she’s having a stroke and should be immediately taken to urgent care. But come on, the dead arms, the smirk, the dress and jewelry you found in a box in the basement of Deb headquarters? Not working and totally predictable.
Image via buzzfeed
Quvenzhane Wallis
Just because she’s a kid doesn’t mean she has to dress like the child of an overbearing 80’s parent on prom night. There are cute, stylish and tasteful clothes for kids out there. Someone get her a stylist so her star can soar. This outfit ain’t gonna get an endorsement deals! Cute puppy bag though, and the arm pumps were awesome. Take that, elementary schoolers!
Shit’s gettin ice cold baby. Image via dennismpls.bandcamp.com
This is the music project I’ve been working on for a year! Here is the first single, “In for the Kill”. It’s about fucking someone who is empty and kinda dead inside. Which we’ve all probably dealt with. It’s a surprisingly protective feeling though. You just want to make them feel alive despite their own wishes not to be. (And then you get over it because ain’t nobody got time for that!)
Here is the link to the Dennisbandcamp page in case you want to hear the whole EP. Bedroom made electropop from the midwest. Get wild.
Yes, growing up in the spotlight is difficult. He was supposed to be the modern-day Canadian equivalent to the humble, funny and talented Justin Timberlake. However, in recent months, Bieber has shown us just how fussy and annying a super-famous-mega-star baby of 18 years old can really be. Let’s examine what’s going on in the Bieberverse. (Is that a thing? I hate myself for writing that)
The Evidence
He accepted an award for Favorite Pop/Male Artist at the 2012 American Music Awards and dedicated it to”all the haters” which is SO LAME. Come on dude. No. -2
His music is fun. Don’t lie to yourself! Beauty and a Beatis a hella jam (Max Martin produced, so obvi!) Plus, he directed the video which is a really fun and well directed video. +5
ugh, teens. Image via idolator.com
He met the Canadian Prime Minister in an outfit best described as farm-douche chic. It’s not like their should be some fascist regime when it comes to style and meeting any head of state. It’s just super annoying. Eye roll! -2
He got mad at James Franco (who gets mad at James Franco? WTF?) for making a parody video of his song “Boyfriend”. The parody vid wasn’t even rude or anything, it was hilarious. Not having a sense of humor about your boy-toy status in the pop music industry? Self-awareness goes a long in H-wood Biebs. Get some. -3
Usher likes him. That’s cool, I guess? 0
Selena Gomez and Taylor Swift probably talk SO much shit about him. It would be scary to have those two against you, especially T-Swift. +2
His back story is amazing. I never finished his documentary, but watching him drum as a little kid proves that he was born with a natural talent for music. And his mom got it on tape! +5
His instagram is ridiculous. Body shots, selfies and now buttcrack. He’s like your friend’s gross little brother who farts in his hand and then throws it at you. Why are you showing your fanbase, KIDS AND TEENS AND QUESTIONABLE ADULTS, your buttcrack? Mooning is so 1983. Over! -1
He took his Grammy snubs alright, saying that “It’ll happen one day”. His manager was pissed though, saying on Twitter that “I just plain DISAGREE. The kid deserved it. Grammy board u blew it on this one.” Just be happy you have a job, you jags!!! -1
The Score
3
This is all I know about Justin Bieber. I think his music is fun, but his personality could use some growing up. Granted, he is still a teen and there is much needed time and room to grow. If we all had cameras following us and listening to our stupid teen opinions, we’d look like shitheads too. But come on! someone get him a decent PR adviser! It’s BEYOND time for that.
Just like the sands of time, Taylor Swift finds herself without an 18-year-old boy to hug at nigh-nigh time. Here are my thoughts:
A) Why is Taylor Swift dating 18-year-olds?
I can barely masturbate to anyone my age, let alone ACTUALLY DATE THEM. And seriously, an 18 year-old? What the fuck does he have going on besides having been world famous for a minute? Sure, he’s got that confusing, side-swept hair ‘n bang combo that makes tweens excited in a really uncomfortable way. And maybe he has some money now, but if my exact and unfaltering recollection of boy band money managements past are any indication, I know that young Harry probably doesn’t have THAT much cash floating around. There’s also charm, but homeless guys on the bus can also be charming so that’s null and void.
B) Why does she always have a boyfriend?
SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk
Girlfriend needs to take some HER TIME. Stop dating anyone who looks kinda cute and is kinda famous. There are plenty of kinda cute boys to ruin your day when you get older. There’s no need to rush it! Hasn’t she seen every episode of Sex and the City? Love and relationship anguish literally never ends unless you’re lobotomized or in a coma 4ever.
Maybe it’s super lonely being that famous. And sadly it kind of seems like she never had a lot of friends growing up either. But the reason I like being single so much is because I have AMAZING friends. Maybe she should work on forming strong and true friendships this year instead of jumping on every cute celebrity who says they like her Max Martin-produced songs.
C) This may be why she gets dumped a lot
Harry Styles was reported as saying that during their Carribean fight, T-Swift proclaimed “You’re lucky to even be with me.” Whoa, bitch. That is uncalled for. Definitely some ego that NEEDS to be checked. Don’t say that, not to anyone, ever! You are one human being who just happened to become famous by writing songs about failed high school relationships. So what, we’ve all written angsty poems about our high school loves gone wrong. You are successful, but you are not a god. Don’t say shit like that.
I’m not picking sides here and I really don’t even want to defend Harry Styles because I like Taylor Swift’s latest album, but what EXACTLY is lucky about being with Taylor Swift? That once the inevitable break up happens, she’s gonna totally shit on you in an amazing song? Or that everywhere you go, paparazzi are following the both of you? Or maybe it’s the stupid celebrity couple name that need to die in a sick a twisted death that haunts him in his dreams? Haylor. HAYLOR. HUG ME HAYLOR I’M RIGHT HERE BREATHING MOISTLY ON YOUR EYE LID.
They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com
Taylor: please, slow down. Be by yourself. It can be beautiful. Being alone is not sad. It’s fucking awesome. Pizza rolls? Anytime baby. Take a look into what you REALLY want in a partner, and not into their celebrity status or what kind of song you’ll get out of holding hands with someone you think doesn’t deserve to be with you. That’s kinda insane, girl. Get it together!
2PF 
