Remember this little gem? She lip synced poorly too. And then she got impregnated by a Fall Out Boy and fell off the face of the earth. Beware. Image via ponore.com
Oh god. This may be one of the most embarrassing things EVER to witness. Has it ever happened to you? You’re dancing and singing along to your favorite song, and as someone’s sweat drops fling onto your sequined blouse to the beat of the song, you look over and see some asshole lip-syncing the wrong words and dancing out of rhythm to “I Gotta Feeling.” There are like 4 words in that song. “I gotta feeling” and “hooooo-hoo.” How could anyone fuck that up? Furthermore, why would you feign knowing words to the Black Eyed Peas?
This hasn’t happened to me in probably 2 weeks. But good god, the next time you’re out, give the crowd a good survey. I guarantee there is some guy stalking the crowd, trying to dance with the ladies who is incorrectly lip-syncing. Mouthing “watermelon” over and over and over. It’s maddening, upsetting and a huge pet peeve.
You know, it’s totally okay to not know the words to some songs. But it’s NOT okay, ESPECIALLY when on a date, to act like a basement, backwoods creep and fake your song knowledge. It looks desperate and psychotic. What’s next, murder? I don’t think so buddy. Not to this song.
This could be you. But like 10 years older and with more booze and touching involved. Image via nick.com
Can I get a hell yeah for scary movies?!
Can you think of a better film genre to watch on a date than a scary movie? Think about it: After the first jumpy part, you’ll squeeze in close together. At this point, you can definitely smell his/her cologne/perfume. Yum.
Then, at every jumpy or scary part, you can grab and hold each other through the horror that is developing on the screen. After all the hacking, zombie brain-eating, apocalyptic kerfuffle, you’ll both feel like you truly experienced something special together.
You should also be drinking wine/cocktails throughout the entire scary movie. This needs no explanation.
At the end of the movie, you two will feel buzzed, both by the liquor and the jarring experience of seeing people die horrible deaths. It really is romantic.
Possibly my biggest relationship inspiration. They’re fun, funny and successful.
And they seem happy, which is only solidified by their penchant to stay the fuck out of the tabloids. We all know those tabloid relationships are doomed, because the people in them are famewhores. But this ain’t the case here. It’s true love. I can feel it.
What has become the status quo in terms of stating your relationship on Facebook?
Back in Facebook yesteryear (2006) it was exciting to post that you and Billy Highschool-love were staying strong, even after freshman year started. It was a warning to potential suitors (and possibly a reminder) that you are, in fact, dating some guy from some other town.
That was when we were younger, and when Facebook had still been for college students only. How has the Facebook relationship status changed and how are people using it now?
Let’s look at our options:
Single. Probably the most striking FB relationship status. It normally yields either a “yeah, no shit” or “seriously?! we HAVE to meet up with him” reaction from any given stalker.
In a Relationship. Seen by FB friends as “yeah, I’m still with him” or “that shit is gonna crash and burn in like 1 internet year” (about a week).
It’s complicated. The most volatile FB relationship status. It shows your brazen attitude towards letting everyone know exactly what’s going on in your relationship.
Engaged/Married. Same shit, unless there’s a crash and burn revelation by either party and it turns into a furious SINGLE. Mostly translated by viewers as “Oh, good for them,” “I better get invited to that wedding” or “that’s not going to last very long. They are both batshit crazy.”
In an open relationship. Yeah, unless it’s a friendship faux relation, nobody cares. You’re “in a relationship” asshole. There’s nothing less attractive than other people’s drama when you’re trying to get your freek on.
Widowed. Sadsies. “That was really, really awful. Who wants drinks?” (you know it’s true)
Separated/Divorced. Depressing, yet probably yields more jubilation and sick satisfaction to your FB viewers than any other relationship status. “Fuck YES I’ve been waiting to hook up with them since junior high!” or “Knew it! Who wants drinks?”
In a civil union/In a domestic partnership. It’s either true, or it’s some boring white 20-something couple trying to keep the spark alive. “Oh.”
BLANK. The elusive, mysterious blank.
That's creepy. Internet dating can be weird, y'all. Image via gawker
Most people, at least on my friend list, stick to the holy trinity of in a relationship, single, or married. Straightforward. No muss no fuss. However, once in a while your dramatic friends begin to update their relationship status daily: “In a Relationship.” “Single.” “It’s Complicated.” “In a Relationship.” “SINGLE.” “REEEEALLY SINGLE.” “So totally single I’m going to talk about it for 9 months because I clearly have obsessive tendencies and a penchant for oversharing!” I really which that last one was an actual status.
There are also the faux relations, where two friends decided to be virtually married or dating a friend forever. Good for friends everywhere, bad for potential dates stalkin’ on your info.
Then, ever so often, you run across a couple who leaves their status blank, but have been together for like 3 years. When you think of it, if you’ve been together that long and all of your friends know this, it’s really not pertinent information.
On the other hand, there are the couples who have been together for like 4-6 months and are still kind of in the honeymoon period of officially being a couple, yet leave their FB relationship status mysteriously blank. Is it because they don’t want people to know that’s who they’re dating, or is it simply a case of not caring about the FB relationship status?
Fascinating. Image via betweenthekids.com
One factor in omitting relationship statuses on Facebook is the fear of virtual breakups. It can be stressful and embarrassing to go through a break up, not to mention one that people can comment on or even ‘like’. Gross. It just leaves a lot of annoying “I’m so sorry! You’ll find someone better, I KNOW it!!!” comments that don’t make you feel better and make you want to jump off a bridge into a lake filled with needles. Relaying your most recent pain and heartbreak to a few people you care about and a LOT that you don’t is just another added stress of keeping up with relationship statuses on FB.
When not in a relationship, that I will gladly post, I prefer to be a blank. I think it’s the best way to be single, because you’re not stuck with this ‘single’ title. If you start casually dating someone, you’re not immediately pressured to let everyone know by switching your ‘single’ status to something else. There’s also an added air of mystery surrounding your relationships and dating life which is a beautiful thing in this digital age where everyone shares everything with each other.
Clearly everyone takes their FB relationships status differently. What’s your Facebook relationship status?
Rumour has it Lana del Rey and Marilyn Manson are an item. Also, her hair is really long. Jealsies!
Marilyn Manson is weird. Like, he STILL dresses like a 90s alternakid? I guess he’d get more ridicule for dressing like a 40 year old hipster. He feels much older than than though. Can you imagine Marilyn Manson in his 70s? He’s gonna be stoned as fuck.
But a nice George Clooney-esque suit would be a refreshing change for ol’ MM. Maybe LDR (which whenever I see LDR I think people are talking about FDR or maybe one of his relatives or a vice president or something) will whip him into shape with some Sinatra-inspired duds.
Let’s just hope this is a confusing moment in LDR’s life. Don’t be another Evan Rachel Wood, because she like drank his blood and piss and shit. I just made that up, but you never know. Some people like it supa freeky.
Hate to break it to you, but that “maybe sometime” relationship you’ve been keeping in your back pocket is totally fucked up.
Some people are so into this. They probably saw it in an episode of Friends and thought it was a “real neat” idea. ‘If you don’t find the love of your life, marry someone who’s more pathetic so you don’t feel bad about not finding anyone better.’ Harsh! Why would anyone set themselves up for this amazing disaster?
This will never be you if you marry a fallback person. Image via goodreads.com
Cue Katherine Heigl filming this exact storyline. Except in her version, she actually falls in love with her fallback, and her fallback falls in love with her, despite her bad wigs. A true Hollywood love story.
Face it: It ain’t gonna happen. Why even have a fallback relationship? Would you really be that much happier with someone you didn’t care to date at your best and most mediocre of moments in life? The “maybe sometime” person is just a façade. Someone you think of when you’re afraid of being lonely, but not someone you think of when you picture a happy life and a good relationship.
At this point in our lives, and the way relationships have progressed throughout the years, we have a loooong time to figure out who we want to end up with. Unless you’re one of those 20 somethings that got married at 21, in which case, congratulations (and fuck you. Just kidding! kind of).
So there’s no rush. But I’m just sayin, don’t peg someone as your backup. Give them, and YOU a chance to find your very own Ryan Gosling or Rachel McAdams. Because they are awesome and mostly everyone, save total idiots, deserve a Ryan Gosling or a Rachel McAdams.
Growing into a 20 something life can be a bit awkward. We don’t have very much money, our high school friends are long gone and our college friends are thinning out. So how and where do entry-level adults meet each other? One place, two words: Dance class.
Yes, it may seem a little like child’s play. But fuck it. Dancing is super fun, good for your body and mind AND dance classes are a great way to meet people. If you’re single, lonely, missing that special groove thang in your life, get your ass to a dance class, stat!
Just think about all the advantages there are to taking a dance class:
You could look this cool. Image via downtowndancefactory.com
As a straight dude:
You’ll be surrounded by women.
You’ll be seriously outnumbered by women. Like, 11 to 1.
These women prance around the room and would be happy to help you learn new dance moves (this is called flirting, or maybe just help if they seem annoyed that you haven’t figured out a Pas de bourrée yet).
If you have crippling dance moves, then you’ll learn something new and gain confidence.
It’s a workout!
It’s fun!
Even if you suck, people will think you’re awesome for trying new things out. And you’ll get attention, in a good way. For real. There’s nothing better than an open person who sucks at something but still works hard to maybe someday not suck.
Everyone else:
Killer workout
learn some new dance moves
Meet new friends who like to dance
Possibly meet a love interest, although this is totally unlikely unless more men, gay and straight, start going to dance classes. It’s all women people, come on! Diversify the genders!
You get to pretend you’re at a practice session to be a Britney Spears backup dancer. Or, Britney Spears.
More people knowing how to dance means more dance battles at night clubs on the weekends. HELL YES.
Need I continue? Even if you think you suck at dancing, just think of it this way: It’s a bunch of Liz Lemons, getting together every Tuesday to dance, just like the Timeless Torches!
Ok, so even though meeting a love interest is slim to none, dance class is still a great place to meet new people. Who knows, maybe your dance partner will have a hot brother, roommate, or non-crazy ex-boyfriend. And if not, you’ll meet some new people to be goofy with in dance class and get drinks afterwards. Win win!
Being in my 20s, I can’t remember the last time I seriously used body splash. Sure I have one stowed in my car for when I forget perfume or get OCD about smelling like flowers. But actually consciously spraying myself with body splash… 7th grade at the latest. (Country Apple, because Bath and Body Works was the shit in middle school)
Image via dylanmaureen.blogspot.com
I’ve recently been caught in a billowing cloud of body splash from a woman who is in her 20s, and it was appalling. How do you say “Honey, what the fuck is wrong with you and your body splash addiction. It’s almost worse than meth” to a complete stranger?
I remember way back in 6th grade during my very own body splash affection phase. Every morning before the bus, I’d spray a little Country Apple throughout my room and dance around in the succulent, $12.50-a-bottle rain that made me smell like a hip orchard. Then one day, my neighbor friend was like “Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you. You put too much of that shit on” but you know, in suburban white girl 6th grade speak that I can’t emulate because now I’m just a jaded, part-time yuppie who is an over-exposed-to-pop-culture suburban white girl. Two totally different dialects.
See, the thing is, when we’re exposed to smells for a really long time, say for instance our own body odor or, ahem, body splash (what’s the difference?!), we tend to get used to it. Our noses crave more, they need more. “Just one more spray, come on. You know you want it too,” says your nose. But your nose is a bitch who’s addicted. Cut her off. Don’t give her what she wants. Tell her to fuck off, because people have been talkin smack and you gotsta regulate.
Don't ever wear this. It never did anyone any favors. Image via health.productwiki.com
But seriously. Men, women, people who still wear Curve (seriously, stop it): Let’s leave it to one, maybe two sprays. Contrary to popular advertisements, dousing yourself in cheap (or expensive) fragrance does not get you the ladies or the mens. It makes them sneeze and run far away from you. Instead of comforting yourself in a few guilty squirts of liquid love, take a fucking shower, give yourself a hug and lay off the sauce-for ALL of us.
This could be you, if you could only stop texting like a fucking moron. Image via topdatingadviceforwomen.com
Dating has always been complicated. Carrie Bradshaw and company have certainly shown us what it’s like to be a successful 30 something amiss in the dating world woes of the 90s. But well over a decade (yikes!) later, dating seems even more complicated with the ever present joy of text messaging.
I’ve asked a couple of friends this same question and every single person is just as stumped as I am. What IS the protocol in dating when it comes to giving someone your number and when (and what) you text them?
Sorry Tommy, 8 weeks is waaaaaay too long to wait in between texts. Image via pinterest
I’ve heard anywhere from 2.5 days (jokingly) to Park and Rec‘s Tom Haverford suggesting that men get phone numbers, wait 8 weeks and then text “What’s crackin” or something equally as uncool.
It’s all just a big gray area. On one hand, you give your phone number to someone and you hope they do something with it. In this day and age, it probably won’t be a phone call because phone calls are seemingly right up there with meeting the parents and getting a joint Netflix account. So everything pretty much lies in the art of the text message.
It sounds lame, but is there really a subconscious time limit when it comes to texting? 8 weeks is a little extreme, but is there some truth in waiting a couple days to make plans so you don’t seem too available? Because believe it or not, no matter your good intentions, being too available or too busy hurts your chances an equal amount. So are we screwed, or is it written in the fates when you’ll meet someone and your weirdo texting customs may just be someone’s big ol’ cup of weirdo love tea?
Breaking: Sometimes dating is awkward
Will this be us? Image via gizmodo.com
Yes, dating is awkward. But how will you ever know what you like if you don’t try on a bunch of turds for size? You may just find the perfect sized turd for the toilet bowl of your life. How perfect would that be?
Also, when did we get too busy/too lame to go on a date? It’s fun, right? You get some drinks, talk about stuff and then decide if you like each other or not.
I can’t tell if it’s just our lazy as fuck generation being totally insecure d-bags when it comes to going on a simple date, or if we all just don’t know what the fuck we’re doing when it comes to the approach. Probably both.
All I know is, we need to get over our hang ups and hang out or we’re all going to end up alone forever. Or with a shit ton of animals that make us smell like a barn. Cuz you know the mens/ladies luuuuuv that shit!
This has NEVER, not once EVER been true. And if you're taking advice from a pair of boobs and an ad that looks like that, PLEASE GOD don't take that advice. Image via textingagirl.com
I’d like to say that modern day dating is a lot more annoying that our ancestors 20 years ago. We can thank unlimited text messaging plans for that!
Have you ever given your number to a cute guy or gal and then get bombarded with way too familiar texts using pet names you haven’t created together yet? Those people should be excommunicated from the dating world and sent to text each other into oblivion. Or, we can make them stand in a foot of water and dare them to keep texting. Or make them be cannibals so their thumbs fall off a la The Road. It can be called “The Texting Games.”
Maybe these serial texters think it’s hot, or attentive, or a good way to drag you down and make you cave into hanging out with them (in their parent’s basement or worse-Applebees). Buuuut just about everyone I know gets immediately turned off with a newbie that doesn’t know when to stop sending the dumbest messages alive. Don’t you? I’m not talking about a guy or gal you’re really into keeps texting you because you’re BOTH really into each other. I’m talking, met last night, drunkenly handed over your number, and the grammatically incorrect texts haven’t stopped since then.
Yup! Image via stoppopculture.com
Seriously, where has society failed these people? Was it our dwindling class schedules during the Bush years? The unavoidable era of emo kids who didn’t speak but emoted through text and spoken word recitals? The cancellation of Arrested Development? Or is it those $40 all-inclusive phones you can buy near the register at Walmart and the gas station? Great. So the people you and I hand our numbers out to probably buy their cell phones at gas stations and wore black exclusively from 2003-2008.
My advice for them: If you want to have a long conversation to get to know someone, get a fucking cocktail, don’t text them for three hours and then stalk their facebook ‘likes’ for possible points of interest. It’s creepy, unattractive and every other apalling adjective you can think of.
I’ve always thought the “text three days later” thing was bullshit. Of course there are exceptions, but maybe there’s some serious truth to it for most interactions. It’s nice to want and miss things, right? If they’re just handing over their affection immediately, it feels cheap and mass produced, like a hamburger from McDonalds. There’s nothing special about a hamburger from McDonalds. Don’t be a hamburger from McDonalds! For the love of God, make a plan to be with humans and put the phone down. It’s really best for us all.
2PF 