BEST SONG OF 2013

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YEAH YEAH YOLO.

Y.A.L.A. by M.I.A.

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WHY: Why is Avril Lavigne still making music?

Avril Lavigne releases the least rock and roll song ever called “Rock and Roll”

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SHE’S SO PUNK AND EDGY YOU GUYS.

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There are just so many questions surrounding the puzzling fact that Avril Lavigne is STILL GETTING PAID TO MAKE MUSIC. A modern day “Who killed Kennedy” of the pop music world if you will, except the exact opposite. Who the fuck is keeping her alive? And WHY GOD, WHYYYYYYYYYY?

I’ll admit I was totally into her song “Sk8er Boi” in middle school, cuz I remember taping it on a cassette tape from the radio and listening to and jumping around my room every night before bed. She totally fit into that anti-Britney/Christina/Jessica mold that was puking blonde highlights and belly button rings into everyone’s eyebalss in the early aughts. Avril made sense back then from a marketing standpoint: grab the attention of the girls who don’t look or act like Britney/Christina/Jessica and give them Avril because they don’t know who Blondie is yet. MONAYZ. Got it.

It is now 2013. And for the past probably 6-7 years of popular music, I am always SO CONFUSED as to why she is STILL releasing songs. Here are some thoughts:

GAHHHHHH. Everything grating in one picture. Image via justjared.com
GAHHHHHH. Everything grating in one picture: faux raybans, shaved sidehead, a fucking HAT. You make it too easy, Avril. Image via justjared.com
  • She’s engaged to Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. That’s pop culture relevant for a few LOLs. (I can’t even write that sentence without laughing a little bit. love is love, good for them, blah blah blah but still. THE most uncool pairing in the history of Canadian pop, right?!).
  • She signed some crazy awesome (for her) record deal back in 2001 that was crazy like 10 records or something.
  • Canada is secretly the most powerful pop music machine in the world (Avril, Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, CELINE DION)
  • God doesn’t hates us, he just doesn’t give a shit anymore.

Take a listen at her new Max Martin produced song called “Rock and Roll” below. It’s not horrible from a music standpoint because Max Martin is a pop music genius producer and can do no wrong. But Avril, really?! Still harpin’ on the faux punk “fuck the system, I’m rock and roll” pop canadian princess thing? WHY HASN’T ANYBODY TAUGHT HER WHAT IS COOL. She’s almost fucking 30. Drop the faux punk shit, plz. It’s so embarrassing! There are ways to still look edgy without pretending to be 17 and afflicted. Just ask Kelly Osbourne. Or (cringe) Pink. She manages to not look like a fucking idiot, puts on a fascinating pop trapeze show, and releases non-vomit inducing pop music. Or, you know, you can ask literally anyone who is 30, looks cool and isn’t Chad Kroeger.

Good grief.

Music: Summer Hits of 2013: Troublemaker and Blurred Lines

“Troublemaker” by Olly Murs and Flo Rida

Good GOD. I love summer songs. They are full of life and love and sex (maybe, probably, HOPEFULLY). The first time I heard Olly Murs’ song “Troublemaker” I instantly loved it. It’s a refreshing move away from the synth-crazed hits of the radio over the winter. Plus there is not even one note in any of the melodies that is questionable. It just winds around the simple yet full instrumentation so sweetly. Plus PLUS Flo Rida adds a little FLORIDA FLAIR (oh god) making it a perfect A+ summer hit. Extra points for have a strong-willed female in the vid.

“Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.

Robin-Thicke-NSFWThis song is pure sex. Robin Thicke is hot as FUCK, Pharrell is awesome and I guess T.I. is okay. Along the same lines as “Troublemaker”, the instrumentation is simple yet compelling and PHRESH because it’s not the same electro stuff we’ve heard for the past billion years on the radio (don’t get me wrong I love electropop but JESUS, instrument diversity is cool too RADIO). This song is just so fun. You can’t help but move around to it, and maybe kiss ur honey in the process.

BUT, the more I listen to the lyrics, the more I started to like the song less:

ok he was close

tried to domesticate you

but you’re an animal

Baby it’s in your nature

just let me liberate you

Knee-jerk reaction: bitch PLEASE.

One terrible part of loving pop music is the antiquated and rather dull views on gender roles and sexuality. A woman who was unhappy with a controlling man should let you liberate her because she can’t do it herself? COOL STORY BRO. NO, REALLY. I’m so glad another mainstream pop/r&b artist has written a song alluding to the fact that women can’t think for themselves. Real neat. SO 2013.

The uncensored video is kinda really fuckin lame too. I mean, it’s pretty and well shot, but super objectifying and YAWN. It’s full of topless and naked models with fully clothed men. Hey, here’s an idea dudes: why don’t you stop being so insecure about your stomachs/biceps/dicks/manhood and flop them around for a change? IDGAF if it isn’t as pretty as women being naked. EQUALITY MOTHAFUCKAS.

I know it’s a pop song and it IS a fun and catchy tune. But sometimes it’s still hard as a human, who respects not only herself but everyone regardless of gender, to hear lyrics that once again play into gendered stereotypes of sexuality, i.e. men are strong and women are weak. PUKE. All it tells me is that Robin Thicke and co. are living in a fantasy world where they think women need men to save them from other dudes cuz we can’t make a decision for ourselves. EW. YUCK. We’re all just human beings, man. Cut this gender shit out. It’s SUCH a bore and pretty intellectually embarrassing.

A- SUMMER HIT because the music is awesome but the lyrics are so 1873.