WTF: Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs

Oh my god. Kelso is going to play Steve Jobs. Better yet, someone on Two and a Half Men is going to play Steve Jobs. Eye roll city. Uh, good luck Ashton. We’ll see about this one.

Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs – Entertainment News, EXCLUSIVE, Media – Variety.

Can you see him playing Steve Jobs? I won't hold my breath. Image via

Infuriation: Celebrity marriages and divorces

Photo via
Photo via


  • Demi Moore is in the hospital while Ashton Kutcher is drunk and partying at fashion shows and a Florence + the Machine concert in Brazil. (What the fuck is wrong with Ashton Kutcher. He’s gross.)
  • Kim Kardashian will reveal the moment she broke things off with Kris Humphries this Sunday on E!
  • Tabloids are making things up left and right and Katy Perry and Russell Brand: Sex addictions, drinking problems, tell-all books, etc.
Yuck. A cheater is one of the lowest form of humans, right above murderer and twilight fan. Photo via
Yuck. Take all that money girl. A cheater is one of the lowest forms of humans, right above murderers and twilight moms. Photo via

Breakups are super gross, for real. But the divorce rate in Hollywood disgusts me. It’s nearly every week some other marginally talented celebrity is getting press because their relationship is crumbling due to crazy infidelity, or the fact that they didn’t really know each other in the first place.

Can you imagine MARRYING someone you had only known for a year? Let alone six months? I’ve had iffy relationships with crappy hair dryers longer than some celebrities get married and divorced.

Relationships and marriage are very, very hard work. I won’t sit here and judge people who couldn’t honestly work out their differences and decided to get a quiet divorce. But when real-life marriage and divorce seems like little more than something to fill the tabloids and get a quick paycheck, one starts to wonder what the real motives are behind these fanatical relationships in Hollywood. (COUGH COUGH Kim Kardashian!)

This story line is SO played out, Hollywood. Like, shitty Katherine Heigl romantic comedy played out. Can’t we go back to plastic surgery accusations or something? It’s a little less soul-crushing than constant divorce battles.

What do you think about marriage in Hollywood?

Celebrité: Heidi Klum files for divorce from Seal

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Say it ain’t so!

Heidi Klum and Seal divorce

Heidi Klum and Seal, in better times.
Heidi Klum and Seal, in better times.

It’s being reported that Heidi Klum is going to file for divorce from Seal, citing “irreconcilable differences.” They seemed like one of the Hollywood couples that were truly in love and had the goods to make it in the long run. They even renewed their vows every year and had amazing Halloween costumes.

First Katy Perry and Russell Brand, then Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, and NOW Heidi and Seal. Come on, Hollywood, make one that sticks!

If Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt ever break up, I’m going to be crushed and it will be proven that love cannot last a lifetime. Or maybe I’ll base it on Elton John and his hubby David Furnish. Neither of which are technically Hollywood couples. Maybe that’s the real problem: Hollywood is too full of deranged, self-obsessed, megalomaniacs who are mentally and physically incapable of commitment with other deranged, self-obsessed, megalomaniacs.

Just like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and their open relationship, which is bogus in the first place because human beings get jealous no matter what the arrangements are. Especially if your much younger husband is fooling around with much younger women who don’t respect the sanctity of marriagebecause it’s Ashton Kutcher and maybe he will buy them a new purse, or a cream to get rid of the rash in the morning. Gross. Ashton Kutcher continually looks like a dirty fart. No thank you.

More like jerkface!
More like jerkface!

But come on, dudes in Hollywood. Marriage isn’t easy. But stop shitting all over it.

My advice to any megalomaniacal celebrity looking for love in Hollywood is the following: If you’re obsessed with yourself and think you’re the best/prettiest/smartest/most powerful in the world etc., marry one of your stalkers because at least they’ll worship you forever. But they may make dolls out of your hair. Only if you’re lucky.