The Swedes really know how to do pop music. That is their thing. I will worship them forever. I’m absolutely not kidding. Robyn, MAX MARTIN?!?!?! If you don’t know who Max Martin is, he is the man who has produced nearly ever number one hit in America in the past 20 years. There is something in the water in that country that breeds awesome fucking people, beauty, and amazing, out-of-this-WORLD pop music. Expect a compilation of the best pop music of Sweden in the neartime future.
This. Is. HORRIFYING. Christina Aguilera performed a medley of songs off her latest disappointing album at the AMAs last night and holy shit. This is not a comeback. This is an embarrassing attempt to be relevant.
I was willing to take her new album Lotus in my arms in the small chance that it was going to be like Stripped, or even Back to Basics. But good god, could it be any more apparent that she got the floor scraps from Rihanna, Britney and Ke$ha’s producers?
First of all, the first single off of Lotus (which got horrible reviews btw) is titled “Your Body”. Over the past couple of years, her appearance has shocked pretty much everyone and has been a huge topic whenever Xtina is brought into the conversation. So without listening to the song, you’d think it’d be some kind of body empowerment which is a pretty socially relevant topic. Maybe something a la “Born This Way” by Miz GaGa. But no. It’s about literally fucking bodies. The uncensored version sounds like she really wants to fuck dead bodies. Necrophilia ain’t cool unless there’s a teen novel that idolizes it. Did nobody tell her this? Is she really that hard to work with? Is she really that out of touch? (yes, yes she is.)
Boring. Image via billboard.com
The thing is, Christina is SO out of touch with what’s cool or even relevant, that she can’t even pull of a decent performance. Her AMAs performance is a shitty rip off of not only herself circa her “Beautiful” empowerment era, but a not-even-trying-to-hide-it rip off of Lady Gaga’s last album. Instead of empowering others, Lotus is more of a self-righteous, self-indulgent outcry of “I’m talented, I’M CHRISTINA AGUILERA, the never-as-famous-or-interesting-as-Britney, ipso facto, WORSHIP ME HEATHENS. And buy my shithole album, wink!”
I can’t wait until people stop reveling in her decade ago relevancy/talent and make her actually work for her name. Because for real, that performance wasn’t SHIT. It’s even more disappointing because everyone knows she could do better because of the voice. I mean, it’s cool to have a good voice, but Jesus CHRIST. Find some style. Have a relevant stage show. Look healthy. Do something besides remind us how talented you used to be, and how embarrassing you are now.
OH MY GOD. This song. The chorus vocals and instrument combination slices me open. But is strangely soft at the same time. This song is for real. Is her new album out yet? It should be.
I stand corrected. This bitch is ON TOP. Image via justjared.com
Watch me eat every single bad word I have ever said about Taylor Swift. Her latest album Red is pretty much the best album I’ve heard in a very long time. Sure, she’s got a weird and crazy love life. But she knows how to make amazing records from it (and to be fair, every celebrity and human being has a fucked up love life).
The thing I’ve come to realize in liking Taylor Swift’s Red is that she is arguably the most talented person in pop music right now. Nuff said.
Red is an eclectic mix of alt rock, pop and a little bit of country. She channels U2, then Stevie Nicks, then maybe a little Regina Spektor, then Katy Perry. And the cool thing is that it never feels tired or contrived. It’s bold and honest and still really fun. It’s the album any pop star would kill to put out, because she drew inspiration across MANY genres but made it work like the baddest bitch ever. I want to close the doors to my room and do some soul-searching/dancing to this album, because that’s how good it is. I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s good, it’s just that I’m surprised that I love it so much already. This is her best album to date and I cannot stress how good this album is. Do yourself a favor and get it.
Here are some really noteworthy tracks, although to be honest the entire album is comprised of noteworthy tracks.
All Too Well
“All Too Well” is alleged to be about Jake Gyllenhaal, and holy shit. It cuts pretty deep. “Maybe we got lost in translation/ maybe I asked for too much/ but maybe this thing was a masterpiece til you tore it all up” and “you call me up again just to break me like a promise/so casually cruel in the name of being honest/I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here/ because I remember it all too well.” Ok, girlfriend is fucking growing up, and I am fangirling the shit out of her 20 something love life songs like a new Spice Girls album release in the 90s. This song is amazing.
I Knew You Were Trouble
Um. Yeah. That’s Taylor Swift doing Katy Perry better than Katy Perry. This song is gonna be fucking HUGE. The melodies are spot on and remind me of late 90s/early 00s pop music. This song is baller af.
State of Grace
This is her U2 inspired song. And it totally fucking works.
Begin Again Live
This song is really sweet and reminds me of early Sheryl Crow for some reason.
Image via celeblowdown.com. What the fuck look is she going for here.
GO TO HER WEBSITE. WATCH AND LISTEN. WHO SAID THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? Oh, dear God. The quiet, festering death crash and burn of this new Ashlee Simpson album is going to be insane. There’s a countdown on her website. Last time I checked, anyone my age who listened to Ashlee Simpson in the confusing days of high school does not ever listen to her anymore. Not even as a joke. This girl is so uncool that nobody would even be listening ironically (i hate that sentence, but you know it’s true).
EVIDENCE this will blow
She got caught lip-synching on SNL (which is the first thing that pops up on youtube after you type her name in), and by the way it is painful every time to watch. She used to have a reality tv show on MTV. She was married to and then divorced to Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy who hasn’t really done anything musically in yeeeears. She had a baybay. Two years ago, She was rumored to be working on a folk album. A FOLK ALBUM. A nose job, a short haircut. WHO IDENTIFIES WITH YOU. She seriously might be a sociopath. Think about it: if she was actually cool, then she’d know that she isn’t cool. The more you know.
I’m three listens into Stereolab’s “Emperor Tomato Ketchup” (1996) and it gets better with every turn. The name of the song sounds silly, I know. Until you listen and the pretty french vocals come in over the video gamey-surfer-synth and make you feel like you’re 4 champagnes in on a technicolor beach.
The rest of the album is that cool too. I’m listening to the entirealbum as I type, which is confusingly titled Emperor Tomato Ketchup (until I googled that name shit cuz I ain’t no hella lazy bitch). They get the album title from a 1971 Japanese film titled:
TOMATO KECCHAPPU KÔTEI
Image via mubi.com
This album upon first listen sounds like something I should have known my whole life. Maybe just because it sounds like a mix of things I’ve heard before, but different and lovingly familiar at the same time. It’s chill yet energetic. I can’t even pick favorite songs yet, that’s how good it is. Listen to the entire album here while you’re hanging around sometime. It’s totally fucking worth it.
Oh my god. Wait until the woman kicks in, you will most definitely know some version of the song, whether it be from the original (as far as I can tell) 1977 version or the Janet Jackson and Shaggy version (yikes, what a combo). Either way, I knew this song from the Shaggy/JJ recording and was pleasantly surprised to discover, like most songs from the 90s, that it had a couple predecessors that far outreached the latter version’s potential. The chorus is one of those rare batches of perfection, because it is so recognizable and has been sampled like a snack tray at your rich cousins wedding. This shit stands the test of time.
Off topic:
Fuck Janet Jackson for not being in the “Luv Me Luv Me” video with Shaggy. I mean, I get it. It IS Shaggy. But Shaggy was a legend for like ALL of middle school. I guess karma served her due to the fact that she hasn’t had a hit (that I can remember) since “All For You“, which is a great song but an awkward, very dated music video. I cringe at early aught video concepts, i.e. “super-fly urban gals” and “holy shit, millennium robots!” and money wasted on suuuuuper dumb effects that were probably really cool then but just make us uncomfortable now. However, I’m sort of glad our awkward, preteen years over the turn of the millennium were coupled with an awkward society in general.
HELL MUTHA FUCKING YEAH. This will start your weekend off with the perfect amount of hip and pop. Now go do a line of awesome and beat the shit out of the weekend.
She looks so sweet and into addicts young. Image via instyle.com
Oh sweet Katy Perry. I’ve only recently accepted her smash hit album Teenage Dream into my life because I’m a stubborn pop bitch and so over gaga’s antics. However, her love life is beginning to show some dark patterns with a past scattered with addicts.
So what’s the deal? Either she’s into some shit too, or she likes to play the savior, although her song “Circle the Drain” would beg to differ. Maybe it’s just that you can’t meet or date anyone who hasn’t been addicted to drugs or anything. Caffeine, porn, cigs, weed, booze, blow, meth, buzzfeed.com, etc. We’ve mostly all got our vices, no matter how big or small our addictions may seem.
Here she is with recently deceased actor and alleged murder suspect Johnny Lewis circa 2006. Sidenote: she looks adorbs. Image via vh1.com
But goodness, does she have a record with boys with substance abuse! First there’s Johnny Lewis of Sons of Anarchy fame, who recently passed away and is now a murder suspect in the death of an 81 year old woman.
Then there was Travis McCoy, singer of the band Gym Class Heroes, who had a pill addiction and is supposedly the inspiration behind “Circle the Drain”.
Then there was her short-lived marriage to Russell Brand, who (breaking the cycle!) was/is a recovering addict (who actually said Katy’s drinking and partyingmade him uncomfortable). Let’s also not forget her fling with John Mayer. He’s almost as bad as drugs anyways.
KP and Travis McCoy. Image via search.j-14.com
So, is it her strict Christian background that sends her into all of these drug-addicts’ arms? Some would argue that being so very religious is an addiction. Maybe she’s searching for someone who is as passionate about something like her dad, who just happens to be a former drug addict as well. Or is it her need for something edgy in her life? Some rock street cred if you will. What’s rock and roll without drugs, right? This is absolutely the darkest spot and pattern I’ve been able to identify in our dear Katy Perry’s life as a pop star. We can only wait until her next romance to see if this is an innocent connection or an unfortunate trend in: The Men of Katy Perry.
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