I’ve never watched a Jenna Marbles episode before on Youtube, mainly because her name is ‘Jenna Marbles’ and that kind of sounds like a D-list comedienne from Gary, Indiana or something. Like she eats farts and then vlogs about it. But no. She’s the kind of gal you wanna get day drunk with at a kid’s t-ball game deep in the midwest.
Her drunk makeup tutorial is so fucking true. Having to get ready for a night of drinking after a day of drinking is a serious hurdle. Eyeliner has never been harder, blush has never been so bright and mascara gets everywhere. I thought she look good until the the fake eyelashes, which I’ve never used before because they seem like way too much work. Dudes will never notice fake eyelashes. And if they do, they’re probably serial killers.
YUMMMMM. It's almost warm enough to eat popsicles, and then complain when the wind blows your hair into them. Wind is bitchy like that. Image via blog.zulily.com
Now is about time to change up the dingy, mousy, winter-worn hair and make it bright and beautiful for summer. There’s just something about winter that makes everyone’s hair look gross. Maybe it’s the cold weather or the fact that we’re so lost in winter depression stupors that we forget that roots exist and colors need to be kept up. Here are a couple of tips to get your hair looking summatime fly.
Lana del Rey has some gorgeous hair. I wonder what her vitamin supplement of choice is. Her blonde is soft, proving that total bleach isn't the only way to go for a lighter look. Botoxed lip optional. Image via fromgotowhoa.com
Highlights
As it’s typically the trend to go dark for winter and light for summer, think about getting highlights. Sometimes people make the mistake of what I like to call mall highlights. Mall highlights are when the highlights are thin, frequent and about 50 color shades of different from your darker hair color. Don’t get mall highlights, even if your hair gets colored at the mall.
Second, highlights don’t have to be blonde-blonde. I see so many girls with strictly “blonde highlights” that it gets boring as shit, and they all tend to blend together like a fucking blonde Ashley parade. No thanks. If you have darker or light brown hair, try to lighten up your hair with warm metallic tones, like bronze or gold. They still give you the lighter hair fare without bleaching your hair within an inch of its life.
If you have blonde hair, fuck off. Just kidding! You can have your blonde Ashley highlights and your not-as-noticeable-roots cake too. Jealz!
Bangs
Sure. Bangs look fucking awesome on Zooey D. But the sooner we cope with the fact that we aren't Zooey Deschanel's bangs, the sooner we can start living beautiful, bang free lives that are right for US. Amen sistas! Image via nylon.com
Bangs are awesome. But for summer? DON’T DO IT. Seriously. Imagine: You’re sitting on the beach. You’re on a date. He’s cute. His wavy hair is blowing in the wind as he lights up a cig and offers you a drag. You’re thinking about cookies, but take the cigarette anyways. He looks over at you and gasps, as your newly cut bangs are frizzy, curling and halfway up your fore head in a sweaty pile of “never take me out in public again because I clearly can’t handle it.”
Ok, that guys a dick if he’s judging you for frizzy bangs. Dump him. Regardless, it’s such a pain in the ass to style bangs in the fall and winter, let alone a much sweatier season. Throw in a ton of outdoor fun, a tan line down to your eyebrow and constant hairs dangling drips of sweat in your eye while you’re learning how to bike in traffic. You’ll die looking like hair-do roadkill, and your family will be shamed forever knowing that you were the girl with frizzy summer bangs who died tragically at a four way stop. True story.
Maybe you’re one of those people who has stick straight hair and who doesn’t sweat. Then it’s really only down to the weird tan line and sweat trapping a ton of blackheads and new zit friends. Bangs are fun!
The most important thing to remember about summer hair is ease. You wanna be able to go to the beach, get in a river or day drink (that turns into night drinking) and know that your hair doesn’t need a lot of maintenance. Keep it simple, keep it fresh and if anyone tells you your hair looks frizzy, you fucking cut them, steal their wallet and run. Trust me. They deserved it.
It’s SPRING! And that means it’s time for a face mask to get all your pale, dry skin into shape. Who the fuck can afford a facial?! Seriously, we make like, gas money and a sandwich an hour. The absolute best and cheapest way to do an at home facial for little to no cost is by using raw eggs.
Now, maybe you’re a raw shit phobe like my dear, sweet mom. Get over it. It’s not going to kill you, and it will make your skin look and feel better. Moving on.
Mona's drunk again. You're doing it wrong, M!!! Image via site.meikomusic.com
Raw Egg Facial
The raw egg facial is actually two facials. You use the egg white as a sort of astringent for your face, and the egg yolk acts as a moisturizer. Nature is like, so genius.
Supplies
1 egg (you can even make it an organic egg. Organic raw egg facial. Mind blown.)
1 fork
2 bowls
washcloth (one for each friend unless you really wanna share, or all of them have been dirty since September)
wine or cocktails
First, get real. Pour your drinks.
You and your gurlfriends/metroguys can use one egg between all of you. I don’t know exactly how many people can use the same egg, but who the fuck ever just has one egg between like 20 people?! We’re poor, but not that poor.
Ok, so crack the egg. Separate the egg white and the egg yolk and place them into two separate bowls. Then, using the fork, break the yolk and stir it until it’s all creamy and mixy. Now you’re ready.
The first facial you’ll want to use the egg white. Spread it around your face with your fingers. Avoid your eyes unless you like putting weird shit in your eyes. Let the mask dry, and then use your washcloth to wash it off with warm water.
Now you’re ready for the second part! Take the egg yolk and spread it on your face all real good like. Let it dry. Then wash it off. You’re finished! Super easy, super, super cheap with a glow of beauty at the end.
Beautiful girl! So jealous of her hair color. I'm afraid working in the Districts of Panem restricts me from dying my hair this color. Image via lovecatmag.com
We sort of grew up with Kelly Osbourne. She was in our lives on MTV’s The Osbournes and briefly as a singer. However, the troubled girl we grew up with has grown into quite a nice young lady.
First, I am OBSESSED with her hair color choices. Instead of being bright pink, blue, or whatever terrible dye job Katy Perry is doing (sorry gurl, you need a new hairstylist!), Kelly chooses lighter shades of purple, pink and grey to accent her ever changing chic personal style.
Love her. Image via blog.lockandmane.com
As far as her career goes, she has a drool-worthy gig as a Fashion anchor on E!’s Fashion Police, not to mention getting to work AND walk the red carpet at the events she attends. She’s really good as an anchor as well, so none of this “she only got the job because… xyz” shit. She’s charismatic, stylish and reasonably critical.
She is the poster girl for being able to turn one’s life around. On The Osbournes, we saw an out of control, unhealthy version of Kelly. Now she is healthy, in shape and in control of her life. A role model for anyone struggling with substance abuse and/or weight loss. Diet and exercise, folks!
Known for having a dirty mouth, Kelly has curbed a lot of her “fucks” but still keeps them going when the time is appropriate.
She was engaged to Luke Worrall, but kicked his ass to the curb after she caught him cheating on her. You go girl! Cheating is so passé.
All in all, Kelly Osbourne is our favorite working girl with great hair and great style. WERK!
YES YES YES!! This is all sorts of amazing. Beth Ditto, solo star and lead singer of the hawt band The Gossip, is going to create her own set of MAC cosmetics due out in June. She will definitely, positively not disappoint, I just know it.
I absolutely love MAC cosmetics. Their products are really, very nice. Much more shimmery and glittery than your average makeup line, which I find is important especially when it comes to painting beautiful eyes, wherever they may be.
PS. I love how vibrant MAC makeup colors are. And again, as if I can ever get it out of my mind, this makeup reminds me of the Capitol’s style in the Hunger Games. Fangirl time finished. For now.
While searching for the SNL Downton Abbey skit on Kabletown, I came across this ad for Christina Aguilera’s fragrance blandly titled Royal Desire. Buuutttt something seems a little off, as I don’t remember when she looked like that. Nobody does!
She is much curvier than ad executives would like us to think. But who cares! Photo via yeeeah.com
Now, this is not meant to lambast dear Xtina or her body: She’s an amazing singer who is going through a bit of an awkward phase professionally and I can only assume personally. But I don’t really think placing ads everywhere of her looking like she did when her music career began is helping anything, especially the sales of her fragrance.
What, do these ad execs really think we don’t read the internet EVERYDAY and see posts and pictures about Christina Aguilera from the past 2 years? She’s on TV every week for christsake! It’s just insulting, to Christina and the public. I mean, it is HER they are using to sell this fragrance, right? Nobody knows her as a size 0 anymore, she’s curvy!
I’m pretty sure these pictures were taken a while ago, but still. If your spokesperson, or the woman who “created” the fragrance, grew an arm out of her face, and EVERYONE knew about it, wouldn’t you need to have a picture with the arm-face on the product you’re selling?
And really, I fucking hate the “embrace the curvy” or “How I lost the weight of a small child” type shit in People magazine parades around. People gain weight, and they lose it. It’s really not that interesting. But at least be honest about it. It’s human!
I want light pink hair so bad after seeing so many Effie Trinket pics. It’s so subtle and classy, as opposed to this. Cringe!
There’s some kind of sick pleasure I get out of the fashion in the capitol from the Hunger Games books. It seems so fun, cool and classy without being ridiculous, much like every single afflicted suburban ‘alternative’ kid who dyes their hair bright green or red.
WANT. Photo via shortgirltallheels.blogspot.com
I really like the way Kelly Osbourne has been dying her hair lately. She’s a pretty and classy gal, and her lightly dyed hair adds some colorful personality while maintaining her chic style. The way we wear our hair is a fashion statement anyways, and lightly colored hair, like lavender or pink, is subtly fun.
Maybe fashionistas will embrace the lightly colored hair sparked by the Hunger Games capitol kids and maybe Kelly Osbourne. I LOVE the light pink and light purple hair colors. I WANT. Now only if it wouldn’t (probably, people are so judgy about hair color) ruin my chances at finding a grown up job. Blerg.
One of my favorite things to do to relax is take a bubble bath, sip on a glass of wine and listen to music. The best part is that it’s a very cheap relaxation ritual!
Bubble Bath
Hells yeah doggy. You're doing it right. Photo via my.firefighternation.com
Bubble baths are amazing. Really. I am a huge fan of bubble baths, as they are so luxurious for literally spending pennies on allowing yourself to wind down.
The great thing about bubble baths is that you really don’t have to spend a lot of money on them. I’ve always used random ones from Target or Walmart, like Lander that is around $3. Bubble baths that I’ve bought at Walmart have been better than expensive ones from department stores.
I actually tried some ‘designer’ bubble bath that I bought at Macy’s, thinking the bubbles would be like, the silkiest and biggest bubbles alive and that I’d probably drown in them from sheer luxury. I picked out Philosophy’s Raspberry Sorbet 3-in-1 shampoo, shower gel and bubble bath for $16, and it turned out to be the most lackluster bubble bath of my life. So in the case of bubble baths, the cheaper, the better.
Wine
Frontera wine is imported, amazing and reasonably priced. Photo via fronterawines.com
Another great addition to inexpensive bathtime relaxation is wine. I’m a firm believer in wine for all occasions. What better way to unwind than with a bubble bath AND wine?!
One really great wine with a reasonable price is Chilean wine from Concha y Toro. Their FronteraCabernet Sauvignon runs around $10 a bottle and is really good imported wine for the price. I used to buy a bottle for $4 when I lived in Chile. Sigh!
Music and Podcasts
If you’re like me and need something to take your mind of the day or your schedule tomorrow, playing relaxing music or a podcast is a great way to further your relaxation escape. Depending on my mood, I would choose classical music when I was feeling regal, ambient when I wanted to get lost in music and podcasts when I wanted to listen. You can find music for free through pandora or last.fm and podcasts are always free on itunes.
Last Touches
Grab a book or a magazine, light some candles and just relax. After all, it’s nice to break away from everyday stresses and technology if only for 20 minutes. Sometimes I find it difficult to relax, but it is such a necessary part of our routine. I hope you find time to relax and spend on yourself, because your serenity, even on a budget, is important.
As ladies and gents in our 20s, we need to start taking our health and bodies a little more seriously than we did in our junk food eating youths (those were the days). Maybe part of the 20 something quarter-life crisis is the realization that we are getting older, and if Sex and the City has taught us anything, it can be just as crazy as ever.
Washing off makeup and using that moisturizer!
It can also be a bitch to ruin pillowcases every weekend!
One thing that is so so so important for ladies and gents alike is taking care of our skin, especially on our faces (because plastic surgery during a mid-life crisis is a lot worse than moisturizing now.) Ladies, and some gents, make sure you wash the makeup off your face every night before you go to bed. You’re not only washing the makeup off, but the pollution, dirt and grime that floats (disgustingly) around in our air.
As we sleep, our body temperature rises, allowing our pores to open more. If your skin still has a nice layer of foundation mixed with pollution and free radicals, those can actually help speed up collagen breakdown in your skin, which allows for aging to speed up and loss of elasticity. YIKES.
I’ve always enjoyed Noxzema. It’s simple, has been around since my sweet grandma was a girl and it gets the job done. But you’ve got to find the cleanser that works well for you, because everyone’s skin is unique. I picked up an organic face wash from Boots called Organic Nourishing Cleanser and it irritated my skin to no end. Yuck!
As for moisturizer, it’s so important to keep your skin glowing and naturally young as long as possible. It’s recommended that you use at least a moisturizer with SPF 15 during the day. I’ve actually never understood people who don’t wear sunscreen. Unless they plan on aging faster than everyone else, having a higher risk of skin cancer and having a ton of plastic surgery in their 40s, I don’t know what their motive is.
2PF 
