Netflix nightcap: Britney Spears’ Femme Fatale Tour

Oh. MY. GOD. I can’t believe they let her put on that show. Honestly.

Image via Netflix

First of all, I am a HUGE Britney fan. I love the songs and her early choreographed dance sequences. I spent all of the 2007/2008 school year forcing people to listen to Blackout. But Britney Spears Live: The Femme Fatale Tour makes me really sad. And it will probably make you sad too.

It was forgivable in the beginning of Brit’s career that she lip-synced here and there because she was gracing our eyes with the coolest dance moves of the new millennium to the coolest dance hits by the biggest and most successful pop producers in the world. She used to put on a high-energy dance performance while acting out the song. Now she moves around semi-mindlessly, clearly lip-syncing and disappointing fans with her lackluster dance production to songs that were made for a pop-dance breakdown.

After countless knee-surgeries and a likely prescription for lithium (never forget Britney 2007), she can’t quite move like she used to. Which is understood by everyone. But continuing to lip-sync during a show where you’re not even heavily dancing is just getting absurd. What’s the point of the live show if you get little more than seeing a famous person?

Image via liveconcertevents.blogspot.com

The concert is full of Britney’s greatest hits. She performs them by walking back and forth on stage, moving her arms with our best 6th grade dance moves and lip-syncing the whole time. The costumes looked cheap. At some points in the concert, she would just stand next to things, like a pole, and touch them from time to time. She was also allowed to sit (after the exhaustion of “singing” and “dancing”) on a huge swing that a guy climbed while she mouthed along to a ballad.

This woman is either an autistic savant pop/dance music genius who has gone aloof or a seriously damaged famous person being medicated and put on stage to walk around perform because she makes lots of money.

Do not watch this movie. It will do nothing besides make you feel sad that Britney isn’t the Britney we grew up with and angry that somebody makes millions of dollars for walking around on a stage sort of giving a shit about what’s going on.

I love Britney so much. A part of her will be in my heart forever. But this concert movie is a harsh reality check. We better keep admiring her saucy dance tracks from audio sources only because watching it live is hard. You’ve been warned.

Forever Young: Uncle Buck

Image via sigforum.com

“I don’t think I want to know a six-year-old who isn’t a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don’t want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don’t have a college degree. I don’t even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they’re ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they’re no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I’m coming looking for you! 
Here, take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.”

Uncle Buck is one of my favorite movies of all time. John Candy was a saint.

Love that hat. Style icon! Image via listal.com
Image via nevertruetales.com

Best uncle ever.

Music: “No Strings Attached” is best NSYNC album

NSYNC on a farm? Sure, why not. Image via blue-box.blueislands.net

I take pop music seriously. Not creepy serious to where I’m sweating while imagining that Joey Fatone (someone recently pointed out to me that his last name is literally ‘fat one’ and I died laughing) is feeding me fruit while quoting NSYNC love songs and poking me in the eye with his dangerously pointy frosted tips. I don’t have fantasies about these people.

I mean that I take pop music seriously to the point where the songs are well crafted, feel-good, emotive and filled with choreographed dance. The compilation of choreographed dance while singing amazingly solid pop music is probably the single greatest entertainment thrill of my life. So when it comes to my favorite era of pop music, I like to take a step back and examine which albums were the best of the best.

Image via indyposted.com

The best NSYNC album for me was No Strings Attached. I still remember dancing for hours in my room to all the fast songs on that CD (and then slow jamming to the ballads when I was feeling vulnerable). They had some awesome dance hits on there. The title track was never released as a single, but No Strings Attached is SUCH a good early 00’s dance song. Most of the dancey songs on NSA seem like they were tailored for sick dance breakdowns. They had so many punches, dramatic pauses and fast beats that it’s impossible even as a listen to stay still.

In terms of album theme construction, NSA was an album about cutting ties with their former business partner Lou Pearlman who Ponzi-schemed the shit out of their success and finances. They got into legal battles with him and his record label and eventually were freed of contracts with shady Pearlman and moved on to Jive Records (home of B. Spears at the time.) Bye Bye Bye is written about a relationship thats totally fucked up, and in the beginning of the vid the dudes are held up by puppetmaster strings until they’re cut free.

The second release from the NSA album was It’s Gonna Be Me, in which the dudes are packaged and lined up in a store, mass produced and ready to be sold, just like they were in real life! Either it’s a scathing review of modern capitalism or an amazing product placement. Probably both. Nonetheless, NSA sold 2.42 million copies in its first week. Then on to 9 million by the time 2000 ended. The last great era of record sales for sure.

Image via stillnsync.com

The other notable thing about NSYNC and others alike from this era of pop music is that it’s more like pop performance music. If you go back and watch videos of New Kids on the Block, they are singing live, dancing, sweating and flirting with the crowd. It’s a lot to do at one time. Throw into that mix heavily choreographed routines and often times ridiculous layers of costumes plus themed songs where you need to act as well, and you my friends have got a nice, thick piece of pop performance art.

So many times I hear from people that this sort of pop music is lame or unworthy of its success because most of the time-but not all of the time– the performers don’t write their own lyrics or music. But if you look at pop performance art like actors in a theatrical performance, it starts to shine a different light on the honest talent that it takes to be a pop performance star. Music preference and personal opinion aside, it’s always good to respect talent.

Favorite Tracks from No Strings Attached

Bye Bye Bye 

No Strings Attached

Digital Get Down

It Makes Me Ill

It’s Gonna Be Me

Just Got Paid 

Fuck, now I want to go learn all these dances. (YESSS!!!!!!!) Check out the good ol’ days of amazing choreography and solid as fuck pop songs from the best dancers and singers of the boy band era.

Follow 20poorandfabulous on Facebook and Pinterest. Just do it. Do it for pop music. 

EDITORS UPDATE:

I just came across this song off the European version of NSYNC’s first album called “Riddle” and it’s a TOTAL clubby european electronic. So obvious it wasn’t released in America because apparently we could handle clubby hits until this decade.

WTF: Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs

Oh my god. Kelso is going to play Steve Jobs. Better yet, someone on Two and a Half Men is going to play Steve Jobs. Eye roll city. Uh, good luck Ashton. We’ll see about this one.

Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs – Entertainment News, EXCLUSIVE, Media – Variety.

Can you see him playing Steve Jobs? I won't hold my breath. Image via that70sshow.wikia.com

Forever Fabulous: Cate Blanchett

Image via mademan.com

Cate Blanchett is the shit.

Dating: Lip-syncing in public

Remember this little gem? She lip synced poorly too. And then she got impregnated by a Fall Out Boy and fell off the face of the earth. Beware. Image via ponore.com

Oh god. This may be one of the most embarrassing things EVER to witness. Has it ever happened to you? You’re dancing and singing along to your favorite song, and as someone’s sweat drops fling onto your sequined blouse to the beat of the song, you look over and see some asshole lip-syncing the wrong words and dancing out of rhythm to “I Gotta Feeling.” There are like 4 words in that song. “I gotta feeling” and “hooooo-hoo.” How could anyone fuck that up? Furthermore, why would you feign knowing words to the Black Eyed Peas?

This hasn’t happened to me in probably 2 weeks. But good god, the next time you’re out, give the crowd a good survey. I guarantee there is some guy stalking the crowd, trying to dance with the ladies who is incorrectly lip-syncing. Mouthing “watermelon” over and over and over. It’s maddening, upsetting and a huge pet peeve.

You know, it’s totally okay to not know the words to some songs. But it’s NOT okay, ESPECIALLY when on a date, to act like a basement, backwoods creep and fake your song knowledge. It looks desperate and psychotic. What’s next, murder? I don’t think so buddy. Not to this song.

This is cool: Britney Spears, NSYNC, VMAs 1999

NUFF SAID. This is what I miss in pop music. Choreographed heavy dancing to amazing, Max Martin produced pop music. Ahh, to be in the 90s/pre 9/11 years. I will never forget this era of pop music. Never ever ever ever!!!

This was American pop at it’s height of perfection. Eat your heart out, Katy Perry!

Forever Young: Carson Daly and Tara Reid

Image via ibtimes.com

Talk about dodging a fucking bullet! If you’ve seen pictures of them recently, they both aged a little eccentrically. Carson is super thin and we all know Tara Reid had some knifey fun that went awry, which sucks because she looks like she has all the right curves and a sunny, pretty face.

Don’t do plastic surgery kids!! Unless you get Madonna’s surgeon. Fact.

Does Justin Bieber’s new song make him the new Justin Timberlake?

Image via justinbiebermusic.com

Remember waaaaay back when, when Justin Timberlake shed his pop music wings that carried him to the top of the world? His performance of Like I Love You was one of the most anticipated tween girl moments of my lifetime. Everyone was nervously thinking he couldn’t do it alone, or that his new song wasn’t poppy enough. But lo and behold, he danced into our hearts before he descended from the giant stereo set.

This video was TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. Cripes. But still awesome. The dancing and singing is fab, and he ends the performance with a dance solo and the disappears into a life-sized tape deck. Pure brilliance.

Fast forward to now, with Justin Bieber’s latest release. It’s not like this song is anything super innovative, but at least it doesn’t sound like the eurotrash trend that hit America radio like 3 decades too late. It’s a little more R&B than we’re used to with the Biebs, but he makes it sound good and his voice is fucking spot on.

Way to go Biebs. Be our new JT, because it’s getting to be obvious that he’ll never return to us. A true sign of the impending apocalypse, I’m almost sure of it.

PS: SO many girls (and some diluted middle-aged, Twilight fan-type women) are gonna be creeping out to pictures of JB while listening to this song and probably plotting Selena Gomez’ death. Fuck off, they’re the new Brit and JT. Leave pop royalty alone, dicks. It’s not like child stars (even if they’re LOADED) don’t have enough problems on their hands without death threats and stalkers.

Check out Biebs’ new direction