On the fence: Jennifer Lopez

“I’m still I’m still Jenny from the block. Now, go get my fucking Evian and warm it to exactly 72 degrees. Then lightly spray in on my breadless sandwich, and stand 32 degrees away from me facing east. It’s best for digestion, peasant.” –Not an actual quote from Jennifer Lopez

I’ve been on the fence with J-Lo ever since her movie with Ben Affleck totally ruined my life. Remember reading Gigli over and over and pronouncing it “giggly” and then being forever confused for the rest of your life? Thanks J-Lo, you dick.

In all seriousness, there’s a lot of cool and not so cool things about Jenny from the huge-fucking-mansion-in-the-gated-community (new song?). Let’s examine.

The Evidence

The tagline for the movie Gigli is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.” And you’re telling me that movie was a flop? GET OUT! It actually sounds kind of genius. Like, Tropic Thunder genius. I bet someone went full retard. I hear you’re not supposed to do that. Gigli makes me miss the days where Hollywood could literally produce pieces of excrement and not even care if they were successful. I say, kudos to J-Lo for picking a movie with that tagline. +1

She totally changed Ben Affleck into a suity kind of bourgeois guy that we know he is not. He’s a Boston-y dude who likes beards and plaid. Plus, we shouldn’t change our significant others so dramatically. Getting them to do the dishes or cut down on cigarettes is way different than making them dress and act different. Boo! Maybe Benny was into it, but seeing as the wedding never happened and he’s back to beards and plaid, I’d say Jenny had a firm wrist in that relationship.

-3

She’s known for being a diva, but who isn’t? 0

You can’t deny this bitch knows how to make some BANK. Celebrity clothing lines/perfumes (no matter how trashy) make a lot of money. Just look at Jessica Simpson and her billion dollar empire. J-Lo’s music career kind of revived itself with her clubby hit “On the Floor.” And who can forget her *amazing* acting career. She’s a stahhhh, so she gets s set amount of dough before each movie. That’s why you never see her in indie flicks. And lastly, her stint on American Idol, where pop stars kind of go to die. Right, Paula? Anyways, you can’t deny she is a successful and powerful lady who deserves the recognition for making a shit ton of moolah. +5

She picks really, really terrible movies to be in. -4

With the exception of Selena. +3

“On the 6” was fucking awesome. +3

She’s always handled her tabloid drama well. Divorces, marriages, rumors, etc. She’s got the media down. +5

Jenny represents her latino/a heritage well for an American born lady. It’s good to have a powerful woman around, not to mention a great, hot, successful latina running a bunch of shit. Good for her. +5

J-Lo got her start on In Living Color as a fly girl, which is probably the coolest start to a career anyone could ever have. +2

She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her future silver spoon-y mouth. +1

She’s known for not drinking alcohol or taking any drugs. Which sounds boring (who doesn’t love a cocktail?!) but have you seen her? She looks amazing. Pretty much like 20 years haven’t gone by. Yeah she probably has some sweet-ass creams that are a million dollars an ounce. But her genetics and lifestyle also come into play. Jealz! +2

The Score

20
Omg, I think I like J-Lo. Not enough to buy her latest music (yet), but enough to play On the 6 while putting eyeliner on. Plus, she was a fly girl. Nuff said.