They are still this terrified of talking to women. Image via buzzfeed
Having frequented many a night club over my of-drinking-age age, I’ve at least come to one conclusion: There is no need to be such a sour Sally to complete stranger-men asking you to dance.
Yes, boys and men in dance clubs can sometimes be horrifying. They are normally wearing suits that are a size too big for them (bless their hearts!), some kind of Affliction shirt and more often than not a pound of hair gel holding their murky brown hair into a never-moving state of “that guy looks creepy.”
Relax, Emma Watson. He may just have really, really bad hair. Image via thejay.com
So many times I’ve seen women be straight up rude as fuck when an unwanted guy asks her to dance. This weekend, I decided to take a nice approach to this type of guy asking me to be his partner in busting a move. A simple “Thanks but I’m here with my friend” plus a kind smile was enough to politely decline and not add (I’m bitchely yet realistically assuming) another rejection to a guy who’s trying to dance with and meet women.
When I think about these nameless and faceless men in bars and clubs, I think about my guy friends in bars or clubs who want to ask a cute girl to dance but don’t because they’re afraid of rejection. Have women and society totally just fucked with men’s minds when it comes to interacting with women in a public space, or does somebody need to get a thicker skin when it comes to dating and relationships? Probably a little of both.
However as a woman, have you ever tried approaching a guy you thought was cute? It’s kind of really horrifying. Times that by a million and that’s what our guy friends and other people’s guy friends are doing every single weekend. Puke. Scary.
OF COURSE, there are circumstances when guys don’t give up and it’s just too much. This can be Ryan Gosling hot or Ted Bundy bad bad bad. If a guy or anyone for that matter after a couple polite pleas is being a dick, then the attitude is definitely warranted to surface, because rudeness after a polite “no thanks” is simply unacceptable on their behalf.
No we don't! But dating could very well end up like this if we all keep being jerks. Image via bilgrimage.blogspot.com
We, men and women, are not so different. We have beating hearts and bodies and minds that want to meet other beating hearts, bodies and minds. So, the next time you’re in a club and a guy you are not into asks you to dance, simply decline the offer politely because it’s the proper thing to do. Treating others kindly in moments of vulnerability can maybe make this dating thing a little easier on all of us.
Fuck dating is a recurring column written by many anonymous and fabulous 20 somethings
Isn’t it fun when you’re about to go on a date with someone and they get a girlfriend in between you texting and figuring out when would be a good time to meet up?!
In all honesty, it’s nice that this person found someone. I’m always game for true love in other people’s lives. Maybe. Because who “finds a girlfriend” or even a person you want to watch Netflix with (it’s a serious deal) in less than a week’s time? Hopefully not many people in their 20s are still trying to mate this way.
*Sends over a note written on a gas station receipt for 5 Hour Energy and a single roll of toilet paper*
“Will u be my gf? Y or N or DTF.”
A little different than our elementary dating days relaying messages through an intricate network of school friends in the cafeteria, but with the same essence and beauty behind each letter.
Image via topnews.in
I mean come on. You can’t even make a real friend in a week. That shit takes time. You gotta meet, meet again, meet another time, then meet alone, get drunk, share a humiliating story, eat a whole bag of Cheetos and then hate yourselves together, cry in public and embarrass everyone you’re with, turn the water on for your friend in that bathroom when they get pee shy, steal from them, etc. After all of that, I think you can call someone your friend. Doesn’t that list double or triple before you can call someone your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Different strokes for different folks. All I know is relationships are hard, weird, fun and exciting. But not taking any time to expertly choose your new love adventure is what kids do in between smelling each others dirty fingers at recess and guessing what the smell is. Are you gonna be that kid on the playground that will smell anyone’s dirty fingers, or will you hold out for a smell you never dreamed could exist? Only time will tell my friends. Only time will tell.
Probably the next person to ask me on a date. Image via lifeisajoke.com
Fuck dating is a recurring column written by an anonymous and fabulous 20 something
When I was thrust into the dating world (again) at the mere age of 20, I accepted a date with a rather leather-clad, metal bassist, long-haired dude I met somewhere and through someone I no longer remember.
Our first date is irrelevant. Drinks, chat, looking at his band equipment. Forgettable at best. Our second date however, went a little something like this:
It was a cold, wintry night. Warm, cheap booze was flowing indoors with roommates and friends. The long-haired boy, complete with a leather jacket and jean vest accent, arrived fashionably late-ish with a handle of some other equally shitty booze that was more embarrassing for him because he was not 20 and had a job.
Drinks were drank, conversations were had and kissing had commenced. We stumbled our way back to my bedroom to continue drunk kissing. Since it was the second date, I KNEW we weren’t going to be getting naked. Partly because I just didn’t want to and partly because I didn’t know him very well. That didn’t stop him from stripping down to his underwear and climbing into my bed.
Drunk, yet coherent and confused, I changed into head-to-toe pajamas. I’m talking neck high, down to my wrist and all the way down to my ankles. And then socks. Covered.
We kissed a little more, but he started getting really hyper and annoying so I asked him if we could just hang out. He turned around in bed and starting pouting like a child because I didn’t want to kiss anymore. As he turned around, he exposed a big tattoo of a star on his back. Not knowing what else to say, I asked him when he got his tattoo. He grumpily snapped that he didn’t want to talk about it, then tried to start drunk kissing me again.
Imagine this guy hissing at you. I'm never dating again. Image via fabulousbutevil.com
At this point I had had about enough of this jerk kissing me terribly and I got out of bed and started to walk out the door to go talk shit about him to my roommates. He then pounced forward, out of bed. Standing there in his dingy underwear, he tried kissing me one more time when I finally smacked him back so he’d get the picture. He recoiled, then looked at me with a fierce sparkle in his eye. His lip curled up, his hands formed into cat claws and then he hissed and clawed at me.
I stood there amazed at what had just happened. Did this guy really just hiss at me? I shook my head in disappointment that another human being would actually do this in public, not to mention on a date, and walked out of the room to tell my roommates through laughing tears that a dude had just hissed and clawed at me in his underwear.
A couple days/weeks later as I was retelling the story to a mutual friend (you can’t just hiss at someone in your underwear and not expect it to be retold,) the part about the tattoo caught his attention. I finally learned that my lovely date had gotten his star tattoo in jail after stealing a bunch of band equipment from a church. If the hissing wasn’t bad enough, this guy actually tried to get equipment for his shitty metal band from stolen church equipment.
An amazing, yet frightening tale.
Lesson learned: This is why you wait a couple of dates to sleep with someone. You never know if that tattoo they got was from jail after stealing sound equipment from a church. Also, you never know if that cute guy from Tuesday night is going to hiss at you in their underwear after one too many mojitos. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Freak!
Not a bad parting gift to a couple of awkward dates. But still pretty fucking awkward. "Beggar Woman 1909" by Amedeo Modigliani. Image via oceansbridge.com
Fuck Dating is a recurring column written by an anonymous and fabulous 20 something
When it comes to dating prospects, not all places are created equal. Some cities of the world, in fact, attract hoards of completely undateable people. This can come in the form of brodawg overpopulation or, in the case of Chile’s Atacama desert, a disproportionate number of miners and prostitutes.
About a month into my work placement there, I began to notice that most of the eligible men from the area were either away at college far off in another city or merely rumored to actually exist (I once heard from a co-worker that she had spotted an attractive man walking around somewhere.)
The details of my only short-lived romance there are a bit vague in my mind because the experience was so dull that I would often forget I was even dating someone. Out of desperation, I jumped on the first pretty face I had seen in weeks.
He, apparently, did not experience the same lapses of memory, however, as evidenced by the oil painting he would later try to present to me.
We went on a few painfully long dates in which we would discuss absolutely nothing over a cup of instant coffee and then afterward he would sheepishly ask permission to kiss me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
This drug on for about two weeks (I know. Time just feels so much longer when you’re bored out of your mind) until I received a text message throwback from middle school that went something like this: “Hello beautiful princess schnookums muahmuahmuah!!” (This part of the text may have been exaggerated.) “Would you like to be my gringa girlfriend? xD” (This part is not exaggerated. That emoticon literally was there and he really did specify that I was a gringa.)
I don't know if anyone looks like this when they're dating. The woman crying is pretty spot on though. Image via dollymix.tv
There are a lot of good reasons you should never try to have the “Where is this going?” conversation over text message. Most of us learn this around 7th grade after awkwardly passing that special someone a note asking, “Do you like me or like like me? Circle yes or no.” The “Can we be a couple now?” text message is the modern day equivalent of the “Do you like like me?” classroom note.
It’s difficult to express in the confines of a text that you’re just not looking for a commitment right now or that you’re just not looking for the same things out of life. This is why adults take the time to feel the situation out and then talk about the important topics in person.
To make things even more awkward, I had already exhausted the balance on my phone, a common problem for any phone user in Chile. So instead of carefully crafting some sort of explanation (“No thnx xD”) I just had to leave it. Days passed and by the end of the week, I had already forgotten about it.
Unfortunately, we knew each other through a mutual friend, so it was only a matter of time before we crossed paths and he was glaring at me from the other side of the room. While I was absentmindedly youtubing my nights away, he had apparently been stewing over what a heartless wench I was (and painting. More on that later.)
I may have a cold streak when it comes to dating but I do hate to hurt someone’s feelings. When we saw each other next, I made my best attempt to explain what had happened and gradually, he seemed to forgive me. I blissfully returned to Youtube and boxed wine, biding my time until I could move elsewhere. And he went back to crafting inappropriate surprises for me.
Yup. Every time. Fucking prick. Image via talknerdytomelover.com
Several weeks later, we saw each other again and he made an offer even more uncomfortable than becoming a virtual text message couple: he had made an oil painting for me (of me?) that he wanted me to have. Nothing makes you feel like more of an asshole than realizing that you’ve been blowing off someone who apparently likes you enough to craft artwork in your name. Few things create as strong of an urge to flee either.
I told him thanks, I’d like to see it but that I couldn’t accept it. What else can you say in such a situation? How could you accept such a gift from someone you barely know?
He insisted several times, in between spurts of scorning me (not that I really noticed, given how incredibly quiet he was anyway.) In my standard style, I avoided seeing the painting until time ran out and my opportunity had come to move somewhere else. Around the same time, he loaded several uncomfortably nude sketches of women to Facebook. I can only imagine what he had in mind when he painted something for me.
Lesson learned: When life lands you in one of Earth’s most desolate corners, maybe now is a good time to give dating a break and fully commit your extra energy to Youtube and boxed wine.
Remember this little gem? She lip synced poorly too. And then she got impregnated by a Fall Out Boy and fell off the face of the earth. Beware. Image via ponore.com
Oh god. This may be one of the most embarrassing things EVER to witness. Has it ever happened to you? You’re dancing and singing along to your favorite song, and as someone’s sweat drops fling onto your sequined blouse to the beat of the song, you look over and see some asshole lip-syncing the wrong words and dancing out of rhythm to “I Gotta Feeling.” There are like 4 words in that song. “I gotta feeling” and “hooooo-hoo.” How could anyone fuck that up? Furthermore, why would you feign knowing words to the Black Eyed Peas?
This hasn’t happened to me in probably 2 weeks. But good god, the next time you’re out, give the crowd a good survey. I guarantee there is some guy stalking the crowd, trying to dance with the ladies who is incorrectly lip-syncing. Mouthing “watermelon” over and over and over. It’s maddening, upsetting and a huge pet peeve.
You know, it’s totally okay to not know the words to some songs. But it’s NOT okay, ESPECIALLY when on a date, to act like a basement, backwoods creep and fake your song knowledge. It looks desperate and psychotic. What’s next, murder? I don’t think so buddy. Not to this song.
This could be you. But like 10 years older and with more booze and touching involved. Image via nick.com
Can I get a hell yeah for scary movies?!
Can you think of a better film genre to watch on a date than a scary movie? Think about it: After the first jumpy part, you’ll squeeze in close together. At this point, you can definitely smell his/her cologne/perfume. Yum.
Then, at every jumpy or scary part, you can grab and hold each other through the horror that is developing on the screen. After all the hacking, zombie brain-eating, apocalyptic kerfuffle, you’ll both feel like you truly experienced something special together.
You should also be drinking wine/cocktails throughout the entire scary movie. This needs no explanation.
At the end of the movie, you two will feel buzzed, both by the liquor and the jarring experience of seeing people die horrible deaths. It really is romantic.
Possibly my biggest relationship inspiration. They’re fun, funny and successful.
And they seem happy, which is only solidified by their penchant to stay the fuck out of the tabloids. We all know those tabloid relationships are doomed, because the people in them are famewhores. But this ain’t the case here. It’s true love. I can feel it.
What has become the status quo in terms of stating your relationship on Facebook?
Back in Facebook yesteryear (2006) it was exciting to post that you and Billy Highschool-love were staying strong, even after freshman year started. It was a warning to potential suitors (and possibly a reminder) that you are, in fact, dating some guy from some other town.
That was when we were younger, and when Facebook had still been for college students only. How has the Facebook relationship status changed and how are people using it now?
Let’s look at our options:
Single. Probably the most striking FB relationship status. It normally yields either a “yeah, no shit” or “seriously?! we HAVE to meet up with him” reaction from any given stalker.
In a Relationship. Seen by FB friends as “yeah, I’m still with him” or “that shit is gonna crash and burn in like 1 internet year” (about a week).
It’s complicated. The most volatile FB relationship status. It shows your brazen attitude towards letting everyone know exactly what’s going on in your relationship.
Engaged/Married. Same shit, unless there’s a crash and burn revelation by either party and it turns into a furious SINGLE. Mostly translated by viewers as “Oh, good for them,” “I better get invited to that wedding” or “that’s not going to last very long. They are both batshit crazy.”
In an open relationship. Yeah, unless it’s a friendship faux relation, nobody cares. You’re “in a relationship” asshole. There’s nothing less attractive than other people’s drama when you’re trying to get your freek on.
Widowed. Sadsies. “That was really, really awful. Who wants drinks?” (you know it’s true)
Separated/Divorced. Depressing, yet probably yields more jubilation and sick satisfaction to your FB viewers than any other relationship status. “Fuck YES I’ve been waiting to hook up with them since junior high!” or “Knew it! Who wants drinks?”
In a civil union/In a domestic partnership. It’s either true, or it’s some boring white 20-something couple trying to keep the spark alive. “Oh.”
BLANK. The elusive, mysterious blank.
That's creepy. Internet dating can be weird, y'all. Image via gawker
Most people, at least on my friend list, stick to the holy trinity of in a relationship, single, or married. Straightforward. No muss no fuss. However, once in a while your dramatic friends begin to update their relationship status daily: “In a Relationship.” “Single.” “It’s Complicated.” “In a Relationship.” “SINGLE.” “REEEEALLY SINGLE.” “So totally single I’m going to talk about it for 9 months because I clearly have obsessive tendencies and a penchant for oversharing!” I really which that last one was an actual status.
There are also the faux relations, where two friends decided to be virtually married or dating a friend forever. Good for friends everywhere, bad for potential dates stalkin’ on your info.
Then, ever so often, you run across a couple who leaves their status blank, but have been together for like 3 years. When you think of it, if you’ve been together that long and all of your friends know this, it’s really not pertinent information.
On the other hand, there are the couples who have been together for like 4-6 months and are still kind of in the honeymoon period of officially being a couple, yet leave their FB relationship status mysteriously blank. Is it because they don’t want people to know that’s who they’re dating, or is it simply a case of not caring about the FB relationship status?
Fascinating. Image via betweenthekids.com
One factor in omitting relationship statuses on Facebook is the fear of virtual breakups. It can be stressful and embarrassing to go through a break up, not to mention one that people can comment on or even ‘like’. Gross. It just leaves a lot of annoying “I’m so sorry! You’ll find someone better, I KNOW it!!!” comments that don’t make you feel better and make you want to jump off a bridge into a lake filled with needles. Relaying your most recent pain and heartbreak to a few people you care about and a LOT that you don’t is just another added stress of keeping up with relationship statuses on FB.
When not in a relationship, that I will gladly post, I prefer to be a blank. I think it’s the best way to be single, because you’re not stuck with this ‘single’ title. If you start casually dating someone, you’re not immediately pressured to let everyone know by switching your ‘single’ status to something else. There’s also an added air of mystery surrounding your relationships and dating life which is a beautiful thing in this digital age where everyone shares everything with each other.
Clearly everyone takes their FB relationships status differently. What’s your Facebook relationship status?
Rumour has it Lana del Rey and Marilyn Manson are an item. Also, her hair is really long. Jealsies!
Marilyn Manson is weird. Like, he STILL dresses like a 90s alternakid? I guess he’d get more ridicule for dressing like a 40 year old hipster. He feels much older than than though. Can you imagine Marilyn Manson in his 70s? He’s gonna be stoned as fuck.
But a nice George Clooney-esque suit would be a refreshing change for ol’ MM. Maybe LDR (which whenever I see LDR I think people are talking about FDR or maybe one of his relatives or a vice president or something) will whip him into shape with some Sinatra-inspired duds.
Let’s just hope this is a confusing moment in LDR’s life. Don’t be another Evan Rachel Wood, because she like drank his blood and piss and shit. I just made that up, but you never know. Some people like it supa freeky.
2PF 