This is the best outfit I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I want to wear it, plus the wig, and eat candy while running through the city. My fingers will be sticky, my face will be stained with corn syrup and my heart will be full.
If you’re a human being with cell phone contact to the outside world, you’ve surely come across a group text. You know, the kind between your roommates updating each other on visiting guests or griping about how dumb it is to pay rent. Or the ongoing thread between close friends where you share ridiculous posts of people you used to go to high school with. But there’s another kind of group text out there lurking behind the matrix: The Event.
The event group text is something you get informing you about-DUH-an upcoming event. Maybe your friend is coming back in town and has texted you along with 9 other numbers that are foreign to your phone’s contact book and thus your IRL social network. There’s nothing wrong with sending or recieving a group text like this: the sender wants to get a quick, informative message out to a select number of people. Efficiency at its best in the modern age. However, it’s how the recipients act that can make this particular group text a pleasant stroll in heaven or a boiling soup of textual hell.
Most of the time, it is an unwritten rule that you don’t have to respond to a group text of this nature. “Hey everyone. Party tonight. 11pm. My place. BYOB. PEACE SUCKAZ” is pretty straight forward. But there’s always a couple of dinks who responds to the entire anonymous group of folks with either a useless “wooooo” or a vacant “k”. Stop it. Stop it now. You’re flooding the inbox of people you don’t know with useless responses, and setting them up for the falsest hope we could ever imagine in this cold, dark, dependent technological world.
When I hear my phone sound off with a text, it sends me into endless possibilities of heavenly plans. Maybe it’s that sexy beast asking me out finally. Maybe my mom sent me a picture of the family dog. Maybe my friend Jeff is finally out of his existential funk and wants to get some cheese fries! But no. It’s still the empty responses from the group text sent an hour and a half ago about the party that had all the information possible in the lead text. The same empty group texts that transform faces around the globe from sheer excitement into gray-tinged smart phone-induced disappointment.
Of course it’s not the end of the world to recieve these kinds of texts, but that doesn’t mean it’s not annoying. If anything in this world full of murder, chaos and Kim Kardashian: Hollywood addicts, lets try to bring the daily annoyances down a little. Who knows, you might save a murder someday by refraining from texting “k” to a group of strangers. So next time you get a group text, do the right thing. Either accept it with a symbolic nod of your IRL head, or open up a new little text to the OT (original texter) and send your jubilations or follow up questions there. You could be saving a life.
“Summer is great” they say. “We can go to the beach” they say. “Shorts are fun” nobody they say. Sure, summer has its beautiful moments when you’re finally breaking free from winter’s weakening death grip around your pale, chubby neck. But now that we’re in the thick of it, I’ve got some griping to do because I’m charming like that. Holla atcha winter baby. Here are the 5 worst things about summer.
1. NIGHT SWEATS suck
So your winter cuddle and Netflix partner didn’t get fucked off the second your seasonal depression subsided. How great 4 U. But what are you supposed to do in the summer when laying in bed next to each other is about as appealing as sitting next to a bonfire at noon with a humidifier in the dead heat of July? It’s horrible. All you wanna do is snuggle up to your person of choice, but your A/C bill is more than your paycheck and maybe you don’t really need love anyways.
2. Bugs are fucking lame
Seriously. Yeah yeah yeah, the ecosystem, squirrels need to eat, something needs to look gross on my windshield so the powerful gas station squeegee lobby can control the weather with their billions. I get it. Bugs are still the most annoying thing on planet earth.
3. Hot Dogs are weird
‘Nuff said.
4. TV reruns are killing me
I know you’re supposed to be outside or whatever in the summer, and maybe it’s some government conspiracy with Hollyweird to get the kind folk of the nation into the outdoors for vitamin D and fresh air. I say whatever. These reruns of Ellen on tv all the time are sending me into an existential crisis. You can find me in the club / drowning in the screams of middle aged women at a live taping of Ellen.
5. Summer clothes are ugly
the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u know
It’s like the fashion world takes a vacation in January to screw you over for decent summer style. Maybe nobody cares what they look like in the summer because you’re sweaty and frizzy anyways. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE crop tops. But the cold months definitely have a leg up on better clothing choices. RE: LAYERS. LEGGINGS. FUR COATS. Hats that don’t make everyone around you wish they had a stabbing knife for hat murder.
Honorable mention: Calvin Harris’ “Summer”
Pander-y bore tunes made for bros and basics. PUKE
I first heard of Vacation Dad through a friend named Elliot (who plays in killer MPLS band Dial-Up). I was immediately blown away by the imagery of the name Vacation Dad: the zinc nose sunblock, the sunglasses with the string hanging around his neck, the Hawaiian shirts that smell vaguely of old cologne and corn dogs. I have probably thought about the name “Vacation Dad” 2 or 3 times a year for the past 3 years, yet I’ve never managed to get on top of my local show shit together enough to make a performance of this elusive name genius. 2014 goals: get a real job, clean the basement, see Vacation Dad live. Until then, feast on the Vacation Dad interview that had me fangirling.
1. Your name is so brilliant. How did you come up with Vacation Dad?
mmmmm its kinda hard to pin down. i first heard the term when my friend pat told me to stop being such a vacation dad. i think i had told him to put on some sunscreen. but the project started when i was laid off and just hanging out in my bathrobe and recording when i wasn’t on tour. so i kind of became this ridiculous, slightly embarrassing but mostly fun party animal. vacation dad seemed to fit pretty good.
2. If your music could be described as an animal, which animal would it be and why?
it’d be probably be some kind of psychedelic snake that flies. can’t say why, thats just what came to mind.
3. What projects are you working on right now?
well, i run MJ MJ Records and am a main organizer of FMLY FEST MPLS so right now i don’t have much time for VD. but i swear to god i’m going to finish something soon as i can (its been like a year and a half since i released anything). i’m working on a concept album called “AFTERLIFE”. it’s a funky odyssey of sorts – a psychedelic journey that takes you from your death through the afterlife and eventually into the heavenly bliss of absolute nothingness. its also going to be a fully interactive video game.
4. Who would you rather have play “Dad” in the family comedy feature film “Vacation Dad”: John Candy or Dan Aykroyd?
dan akroyd for sure. honestly i never thought john candy was all that funny, he just tends to be in funny movies. like a better version of david spade.
5. How does a song come to you?
usually starts with a beat, then a groove, then the hook. i dont fuck with words.
6. What is one international city you’re dying to play a live show in?
i’d really like to go back to nicosia, cyprus. i played there a couple years ago and it was just the best fucking thing. kinda want to tour hawaii too. or anything tropical, i’m not picky.
7. What’s next for Vacation Dad?
i’ve got a show coming up at 7th street with hundred waters, fort wilson riot and har-di-har (which is a fucking insane-o bill) otherwise just trying to get FMLY Fest together, then hunkering down to finish AFTERLIFE. probs not gonna go on tour again till i finish it.
I first met Alex Kauffman through a friend I studied abroad with in Brazil back in 2008. That friend referred to him as “kauffy” if I remember correctly. It was 2009 and we walked into the certifiably dude apartment. I imagine it was full of furniture probably salvaged from street corners that was peppered with bowls of dried mystery food sitting abandoned in forgotten corners of the Como apartment. Maybe I’m making all that up, but dudes are dudes so it’s probably true. Anyways, I’m pretty sure there was a guitar in his hands, or at least guitar hero. Either way, he is here now with a handful of albums under his belt with his group Dichotomy. They just released their second full-length album Subterranean (that you can pick up here). Check out what 1/3 of the group Alex “Kauffy” Kauffman has to say about the songwriting process, Valleyfair and Mars.
1. How did Dichotomy get started?
Joe Laurin and I were roommates in Dinkytown a few years ago. I had a guitar and a violin, he had a keyboard. We just messed around for fun, but we did it every day to the point where we started to learn how to use blues scales and improvise. We eventually learned how to produce our own multi-track recordings, and then eventually got confident enough in them that we made them public and released them online. We started to figure out how to book shows for ourselves, and we’ve been a live act ever since. We joined up with Nick Shvetzoff about a year ago, he was the perfect compliment to what we already had going on. Joe and I were always able to play together really well, but we always had to plan out the backing track beforehand and that was a bit stifling. Nick can control and improvise percussion and other sounds along with Joe and I, so every piece of the band is interactive with one another live. It’s exciting to have reached that point.
2. What is your songwriting process like?
It can be different each time, and we are always coming across new starting points. It used to be a lot of recording a part, sitting back and listening to it, and then going back in and adding another part and then repeat. But a lot of it comes out of our jams too. We jam to get ideas and riffs out, and then we can hone in and build an actual track around the good bits. After the “meat” of a track is recorded/sequenced, we’ll usually just listen to it for a good week or two to see if there is anything screaming at us that is supposed to happen, or not. We are really quick putting out new ideas to start something but are pretty slow and deliberate when it comes to actually finishing the track and finalizing it.
3. If you could go to Valleyfair with any musician, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
Jimi Hendrix. It would be fun to see what he’s like riding a roller coaster.
4. You just released your second full length album “Subterranean”. How has your sound mutated since the “Blue Flame EP”?
It’s changed a lot but it’s also kind of come back around again. With the early EPs, we had more of a harsh, urgent sound. Occasional vocals. It was more guitar driven at the beginning. Heavy beats. Then we started adding a lot more violin and piano, and it started becoming much more like modern classical music. Longer pieces with key changes and lots of parts and sections. Still dark most of the time, but slower and more drawn out. That was where we were at when we recorded “Nocturnal”. Since we’ve been playing with Nick and adding more synth and electric violin, it has shifted back more towards an urgent and heavy “live” sound. Sometimes it’s simple, sometimes more complicated, but there is an energy to the rhythm. There is much more of a live feel to it now than there was before.
5. I know it’s hard to choose between one of your latest sonic babies, but what’s your favorite song from “Subterranean” and why?
That’s tough…I’d have to say Tony Montana is my favorite as of right now. It has a good balance of catchy and weird. It’s has a nice melody to it, but at the same time you are never quite sure when the the loud and harsh sounds are going to lash out at you next.
6. What does the future hold for Dichotomy?
We want to try to play live as much as we can. In the cities or elsewhere, whatever we can get going. We’d like to make at least a couple more videos for the “Subterranean” album. As far as new music, we always have new stuff cooking, but we’re going to be doing more singles and EPs for the time being. We’ve spent a lot of the last couple years working on full albums so we are ready to change it up.
7. Would you rather compose a song alone on Mars or with a glass of whiskey with Frank Sinatra?
Alone on Mars all the way. I’m more into spacey shit these days. I like making music in solitude AND with a view, so that pretty well covers both. I would have loved to jam with Sinatra, but he notoriously hated loud rock music, so he probably wouldn’t want to get down with us, since we are more or less an extension of that. Maybe not though. Just an educated guess.
If you’re dying for a Beyonce medley dance at a gay wedding, well you sir are in GOOD HANDS. I actually saw this live because the limber man front and center is my bf’s newly married brother. ENJOY and share so Beyonce can see this and maybe hire him on as a backup dancer. He already knows all the moves!!!
Aside from making a joke Christian Mingle dating profile my freshman year of college, I have never tried online dating. Sort of. If we’re talking specific dating websites like Okcupid, Tinder, eHarmony, then fuck no. I still can’t wrap my head around making a digital poster trying to sell yourself in under 30 seconds to a bunch of people who are superficially judging the SHIT out of you. It’s the digital dating equivalent of the poorly dressed guy with gross teeth and whiskey breath trying to chat you up in the bar after you just spent 2 exciting hours picking out your outfit, curling your hair and applying liquid eyeliner, just to find an anal fissure rain on your pretty parade. No thank you, sir. Why put so much effort into a dating profile filled with hungry rats when there’s a way more effective place to date online?
Are you ready for this shit?
It’s TWITTER.
For about a year, I gave out my Twitter handle instead of my phone number or Facebook or email. And actually my current bf, who before was a really, really light acquaintance, thought I was hilarious on Twitter and it eventually led to us hanging out, dating and gettin’ all lovey and shit. All of those other mediums are WAY too personal to give out to someone you’ve just met or a cute acquaintance. Here’s why:
Texting is never casual and always stressful with new people.
Facebook is like inviting a new person into your family dinner, high school reunion and a digital record of your life for the past decade simultaneously
Email is like you’re ready to give up and share bills already
Why Twitter is the best place to date
On Twitter, you don’t have to use your real name if you don’t want. I think there is a deep meaning in adopting a user name, because it frees you from the confines of societal norms that your government name ties to you. You can express yourself more freely, which is the kind of communication you should get out there right away when it comes to meeting new people. None of this “so, where’d you go to school?” bullshit and straight to the “corn dogs are fucking AWESOME” jam. Twitter lets people read you and your thoughts as you go about your normal, daily life, (and lets you read them too), which I think is a WAY better dating tool than constructing a profile of your Best And Most Interesting Qualities to lure dates. Dating profile fluff isn’t getting anybody anywhere. Showing who you are on Twitter will get you somewhere (unless you totally suck and in that case ain’t nobody can help you but God herself).
This is you on every OkCupid date you’ve ever been on
Your Twitter handle is also low commitment contact information to give to cute guys or girls in the bar. You both can follow each other, casually fav, retweet (!!!) or reply to tweets, without there being a ton of intimate pressure to text or endure a fucking awkward and outdated facebook chat *shudders*.Plus, there’s already a bunch of random people following you on Twitter anyways, so adding one more isn’t weird like being immediate Facebook friends would be.
And if you’re reluctant to hand out your Twitter handle, get theirs. That way you can see what kinds of things they write about or retweet before you decide to follow them. If it’s a ton of sports stats and inspirational quotes, then you just sidestepped adding a bunch of a “your” vs. “you’re” tweets in your feed. If it’s a bunch of funny complaints, jokes and relevant cultural references? Cool, new material to steal and use on your coworkers.
What’s best is that in the off chance that your prospective date doesn’t have a Twitter handle, you’ll know they suck and can avoid a week of annoying favs and @ replies. It’s a win win. Yes, the argument could be made that there are cool and interesting people without a social media presence. Lemme know when you find one who isn’t also worried about the fluoride in the water controlling our thoughts. It’s 2014, yo.
So next time you think a guy/girl is cute, think about sending over your twitter handle on a cocktail napkin. You never know if it could turn into a brief and fun romance, new jokes to retweet/steal or a lifetime of LUUUUUVVVVVV.
If you’re tryinna get yo’ friction on, then you need to pay attention to False Teeth, a self-described hip hop/electric indie rock duo slash total QTs from Minneapolis. The duo is a pair of names you may have seen before at shows around town or somewhere on the Inter Web: Bobby Phisher of Bobby Phisher and Matt Sandstedt from I, Colossus and Jon Jones. Their debut album, Grapefruit, is coming out May 20th via Polkadot Mayhem. This is what they have to say about butts, Pokemon-inspired songs and one little know legend of Ja Rule.
1. How did you all meet and decide to form a band called False Teeth?
we bonded over a similar appreciation for riddick movies and cinnibon flavored pinnacle vodka.
2. Describe the sound of your new False Teeth album using 3 emojis.
shrimp, top hat, pizza (Editor’s note: 🍤🎩🍕)
3. What is band practice like?
A lot of butt jokes and pointing. Also coffee. Because of everyones weird schedule we usually practice in the mornings on friday. Pre-gaming beforehand.
4. You’re releasing an album called “Grapefruit” soon. What’s the weirdest song on your album?
“Red Barrels Explode” forsure. The hook is in 7/4 time and theres a lot of pokemon involved. We wanted to make a song about tweaking out on video games and in that fashion we had to make it really weird.
5. If you had to pick one artist to collab with from NOW THATS WHAT I CALL MUSIC 10, who would it be and why?
Ja Rule. Anyone that has beef with fiddy cent is a friend of ours. Ja rule is a rare breed of person who has done nothing but try to better the lives of people around him. Whether it be through his music his acting or hamster-esq smile Ja is for the people. He really revolutionized the way we think about all white furniture in music videos as well. Taking a step back though we see thats just the tip of the ice-berg. In 2003 he donated 1.3 Billion dollars to Doritos in hopes they would continue the # dimensional line of snacks, unfortunately they declined his request and left him bankrupt. With no where to turn, young Ja was faced with a choice, turn back the only snack that had ever truly trusted or pick up the mic and try again. So a year later in 2004 against all odds Ja Rule got back on the reins and released Sprite Remix soft drink to much critical acclaim. To this day Ja Rule has sold more soft drinks then any other musical artist known to man.
6. If you could have one celebrity star in a music video for a song off of “Grapefruit”, who would it be and why?
Rick Moranis. He is the key master. False Teeth is the Gate Keeper.
7. What is your wildest dream for False Teeth?
Guns and Ammo Magazine Front Cover. Also, this is not exclusive to False Teeth but it is our dream to live in a world where avocados never go bad.
New fashion: DENNIS “Don’t Fall in Love” crop tops and t-shirts for summer
You may or may not know this, but I am an electronic pop artist that goes by the name DENNIS. My girl Sarah and I are releasing a full-length electro-pop album this summer out of Minneapolis that is srsly gonna murder you (in a good way) when you’re hate-singing about your ex in the car. It’s called “Don’t Fall in Love” and is a collection of bangerz produced by me and written by me and Sarah that are all huge electronic pop jams about how much love/lust/life can SUCK.
Along with the album, I have designed a concept line of crop tops and t-shirts that go along with the essence of “Don’t Fall in Love”. You can wear a crop that says “YUCK” or “NO“, “UGH” or “DENNIS“. They are hilarious, hand painted by us and glittery as fuck. If you’re a glass half-empty type of person, you’re gonna love this shit. They are only $10, and all the proceeds go to funding the album release.
this is us. we are weird, nice and fun. plz support us.
PLUS, you get a free download of our first electronic pop EP “Ice Cold”. Or you can just download all of our weird pop music for free here. But for real, you’re gonna look so hot in this shit that your shitty ex will probably die or at least tell you that you were right all along and are super hottt.
Plus, a drunk guy once told me that if you support independent music, an angel will bless you with millions of kisses and good luck for like 20 whole minutes. I wouldn’t pass that kind of a deal up bc you never know when you’ll need some KOOL karma.
PS: we also hand paint glitter sweatshirts if that’s more your thang, hottie.
Isobel Trigger is a synth pop band from Victoria, British Columbia. Recently freaking out over their first radio airplay on a station up north, they have secured a bunch of festival gigs this summer and are well on their way to taking over that friendly country above the good ol’ U.S. of A. Check out what they have to say about doughnut holes, Craigslist, and Hot Hot Heat.
1. How did you guys start as a band?
Felicia: Brett (our guitarist) and I met in music school and we met Ariel and Kyle through online dating for bands (aka craigstlist)!
Ariel: Yeah, I remember walking into some weird warehouse that was their jam space for my audition, in a really industrial area of town. It was totally sketchy but obviously worth it in the end!
2. What’s your favorite snack during band practice?
Ariel: Tim bits (that’s doughnut holes for you Americans out there) and/or sushi!
Felicia: It’s not uncommon for one of us to be late and call to take dinner orders from the others. I like sushi because it’s light and easy to sing after eating… and… well… who doesn’t like doughnuts?
omg it’s true
3. Tell me about your upcoming EP Nocturnal. Exactly how cosmically awesome will it be?
Felicia: Well, we are aiming for astronomically awesome, as in shooting for the moon, literally (you’ll have to watch our video for Tiger Shark to get that joke). We plan on releasing a video for each song and you can expect lots of gritty synth, creative dance beats and unique vocals on top of our usual dirty guitar and funky bass.
Ariel: We are very excited to birth our EP baby into the world.
4. I don’t know anything about Victoria, BC. What’s the music scene like there?
Felicia: Victoria is the beautiful capitol city of BC! Actually it’s great here and the music scene is booming! We have so many music festivals it’s hard to keep track! Rifflandia, Tall Tree Festival, Rock The Shores and many more.
Ariel: It’s really amazing because the city is big enough that there are so many festivals and great events and no shortage of talent, but small enough that the music scene is really a community.
5. What has been the coolest moment of your music career so far?
Photo by Sean Behnsen
Felicia: So far this year (young as it may be) has been our busiest and we’re thrilled with the momentum we’re gaining. If I had to pinpoint it to a moment, I’d have to say hearing our songs on a major radio station (The Zone 91.3) has got to be the highlight. The coolest DAY was when we found out that we were Zone Band of the Month, playing Tall Tree and the Royal Theater, all on the same day.
Ariel: On that day I cried and had to be put in an isolation chamber. Then I was ready to rock.
Felicia: *Some facts may be exaggerated #dramaqueen
6. Hot Hot Heat or The New Pornographers and why?
Ariel: Hot Hot Heat duh because they’re from Victoria!
Felicia: Hot Hot Heat! Because they’re also from Victoria and they really know how to bring it live. Not that The New Pornographers don’t, but we’ve got a soft spot for the Heat’s quirk-rock ways and Steve Bays with his awesome fro and big energy.
hot hot heat brings back so many 11th grade memories
7. Which pop star has had the most influence over your sound?
Felicia: Currently I would have to say our “band favorite band” is Metric. We just think they’re the coolest and even though we all have different musical influences, when it comes to picking an album to listen to on road trips together, Metric gets the winning vote.
Ariel: Does Metric count as a “pop star” though? I’m going to have to go ahead and say Justin Timberlake for this one, since I think that N*Sync are the bomb, and I think that we are really in sync with each other.
Felicia: *facepalm … but JT is my hero, can’t lie.
2PF 