Infuriation: Plaid is the new plague

OH MY GOD can this plaid obsession be gone yet? It really weirds me out that such a large group on the population is wearing plaid. Ladies in plaid is not so much as infuriating, because ladies have more clothes than dudes and therefore have more options. But come on guys. There’s a whole world out there of different style choices that don’t involve this one pattern. Like stripes, or solids! Here are some observations and tips for sufferers of Plaid Plague.

Repeat Offenders

First of all, let’s map out the babez wearin’ out plaid’s welcome. You’ve got your country boyz, who wear it because it’s probably the only thing sold in small town gas stations, hunters for flannel-y warmth purposes, hipsters because they do anything, and the people who think they are hipsters just because they wear plaid. This covers a lot of dudes, young and old across the country. In fact, I’ve probably seen every male I know in plaid. It’s EVERYWHERE, haunting me and other people who would love to see a little more diversity in the average man’s style choices.

Everywhere I look there is a boy in plaid. The greens, the blues, the criss-crossy patterns that ensnare you: an inescapable force of boring taste and not being able to shop by yourself (because gender rules or puke). A lot of guys I know wears clothes from at least 5 years ago, almost all of the time. And it has. to. stop.

Dudes: Oh wonderful dudes. It’s okay to go shopping. A little diversity in thy wardrobe would be exciting, trust me. When you’re getting read to play Diablo 3 with friends or going to get a beer with the girl you see in class three days a week, you’ll be glad to have some options. Ladies tend to notice clothes and style and shit. One time, my friend was dating a nice and cute guy. But he always had food stains and weird smells on his clothes that distracted her all throughout the date. Fuck that macho shit about “being a dude, ughhhhhh, I don’t go shopping, I eat MEAT and hate yucky fruit!” Take care of yourself and your appearance like a regular human being.

Malls can be overwhelming. Nobody really likes malls, I think. They’re full of people who might buy the same things as you, but also enemies because of this. And seriously, those food courts are a germ paradise filled with the germs of human society, at least on Saturday afternoons before Christmas. If you must go to a mall, go during the week. Lots of people don’t go anywhere during the week, so this leaves shops open for trying things on in peace, no lines and less people. Always a good thing.

If you really don’t want to buy things from a mall because they are expensive and probably lower quality than most things in a thrift store, you’re in luck! Thrifting is fun and the clothes are cheap and used. You have to dig, so don’t be lame and impatient. You’ll be able to buy more plaid and throw the old ones out because there is a shit ton of plaid there find lots of interesting things from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and 00s. It’s like a fashion time capsule! Just what every man is looking for.

Inspiration

Take a look at Marc Jacobs. He’s highly successful and wears skirts and dresses all the time. It’s highly attractive not because of the dress per se, but because it shows confidence, personality and self worth. Look how high his head is in this picture! EVERYONE feels great in a dress.

Karl Lagerfeld is a cray-cray fashion genius. Sure he’s weird as fuck, but his style is fucking baller. Props.

David Beckham is always looking stylish. Granted his wife, Victoria Beckham (POSH SPICE!!!!!) is a fashion designer.

Jason Schwartzman has some pretty cute style.

Brandon Flowers from the Killers rocks sequins like nobody else.

The Beatles! YEAH! Look at their fashion evolution here.

So you see: There are some cool dudes out there with some sweet style. They go shopping. YEAH. It’s true! Or they have a personal assistant and a stylist. But since you can’t afford those things, you’ll have to do it yourself.

Try: sequins, fur, ties, tight pants, loose pants, ponchos, headbands, earrings, fitted jackets, men’s dresses or maybe just a different shirt that diversifies your plaid obsession collection. Basically anything else besides your dingy plaid shirt.

Plaid can be great. It’s been in Catholic schoolgirl outfits forever, Irish men love the stuff and Britney Spears made it iconic. Sometimes it looks great. But not every day. Let’s trim the excessive-plaid-wearing down to a maximum of 4 days a week. You’ll be able to explore new fashions while holding on to your beloved safety blanket pattern. YOU CAN DO IT BABY, I BELIEVE IN U.