On the fence: Katy Perry

This is my least favorite Perry look. No more short hair please! You're such a doll with long long long locks. Image via heart.co.uk

I’ve never been a huge fan of Katy Perry.

When Katy Perry hit it big, I was studying abroad and drinking caipirinhas in Brazil. Fresh off of sophomore year of college, I could just imagine all the girls who hang out at frat parties making out to Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” for attention and free drinks they would have gotten for free anyways because they are girls talking to shitty frat boy people.

Anyways, a friend of mine once pointed out that “I Kissed a Girl” brought Perry to the beginning of fame, but she neglected to speak out on behalf of gay rights after she used lesbianism to shoot her to the top. Gross, KP. What else puts Katy Perry on the fence? Let’s examine.

The Evidence

Get your roots done, gurl! You aren't a poor 20 something! Image via blog.lockandmane.com

Katy has never been one for good style. She wears outlandish getups and has crazy hair, but when it comes to fashion she has none. I can’t tell if she’s just trying to keep up with Lady Gaga, but honey please. You ain’t Lady Gaga. -5

At least she isn’t trying to be Gaga. She’s smart enough to leave all the Gaga-esque things to our lady of Gaga. +2

Vapid song choice and writing makes for pretty shallow albums. She kissed girls, noticed that boys can be hot’n’cold and that california girls are better than everyone else. We know pop music is known for it’s shallow yet good sounding songs, but good God. Madonna, the Queen of Pop, never sounded this stupid. And once Gaga hit the scene, I thought everyone would step up the songwriting a little. I guess not. -3

However, she does know how to make pop songs that people will buy and eat eat eat all up. That takes some smarts, no matter how dumb the songs are. People buy them, and music is a business, right? +3

More times than not, she has awful fucking hair. Just bad bad bad. The colored bob with roots is just bad. You have money, you should have the best hair! -2

She married Russell Brand, and then a year later got divorced, lending to the ever growing number of celebrity quickie marriage and divorces. Boo! Yes, people sometimes make mistakes. But especially in Hollywood with so many crazy, global work schedules, you’d think they’d have some kind of marriage counseling for stars to warn them of the hardships of a traveling marriage. New reality show? -1

Please don't let Rihanna help you date! Image via jenniferbrix.com

I’ve never seen a truly breathtaking live performance. She always has a lot of big and bold fruits and candies flying around, but in terms of “Holy shit, that was the best performance ever”, that has never once happened during a Katy Perry concert. -4

Her best friend is Rihanna. And Rihanna is reportedly trying to find her a new man. Oh boy. Run, Katy, RUN!!!!! 0

Her songs ARE fun to dance too after like 3 vodka Redbulls, and they are also good workout music. +5

“E.T.” sounds exactly like T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said.” Don’t rip off the Russians, Katy. You never know what kind of vodka potato guns they’ll shoot at you at European music awards. -1

It’s being reported that her next album will be a return to her “roots,” both follicle-y and musically speaking. She said “I’ve always just been me and my guitar; and I’m not saying I’m going to make that record, but I do want to get back to my roots. I’ve been changing my hair color too much!” Oh the puns! And the record execs would never let her make a just her and her guitar album, because we’d be yawing 2 minutes in. But good for her for having goals! +1

The Score

-5

Katy Perry is on the top of the Pop charts at every turn of the corner. There’s no doubt that she’s solidified her presence in the oftentimes superficial arena of pop music. But will she ever get a little more artistic than ripping off Russians and dancing around with candy glued to her chest? Only time will tell!

Music: Where you at Fergie Ferg?

I don’t know why, but sometime this weekend, probably a couple drinks in, I thought about Fergie. It was probably the vodka Redbull talking, but I really began missing Fergie’s solo career.

Image via Rolling Stone

Remember in 2006 when it was really fun to get drunk “London Bridge” and dance like hussies? I miss that.

Fergie’s solo music was woman-powered, “go down on me bitch”-esque much like Rihanna circa now. But without the sadistic overtones of collabing with the shittiest of shitty ex-boyfriends. Ferg’s was more akin to “I’m hot, but I’m no slut, and I will dance a dress however I please.” YES YES YES.

Maybe all this Fergie nostalgia is coming from way too much Katy Perry-like boob and blah exposure. I want a pop woman owns her sexuality and who tells men what’s up, instead of a 26 year old “girl” singing about high school relationships with the boys that got away. Blegh. Britney did that like a fucking decade ago, Perry. Next!

Unfortunately, at the Grammys Fergie said she wanted to take a year off, since she had been touring and doing things with the Black Eyed Peas for the last couple of years. Boo! Get going on a solo album Ferg, we miss you and your woman power.

A little walk down memory lane for all you Fergalicious fiends out there. Remember what it’s like to dance like a huss and OWN it!!

Katy Perry re-releasing double platinum album… why???

Did she make this cover herself?! Photo via katyperry.com

Ugh. Nice one, music industry. As if the original album didn’t make enough money, Katy Perry and her money hungry friends are “re-releasing” her double-platinum album Teenage Dream. This is exactly like “re-releasing” Beauty and the Beast in 3-D, so some execs somewhere can make a shit ton of money off of them. Neat!

SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. Russell Brand isn't taking any of it in the divorce settlement, so she wants more more more with a re-release. Goody! Photo via thedocreport.tumblr.com
SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. Russell Brand isn't taking any of it in the divorce settlement, so she wants more more more with a re-release. Goody! Photo via thedocreport.tumblr.com

I like Katy Perry. I do. T.G.I.F. is mah jam in the car. But this deluxe edition with only 3 extra songs is weird, especially in the day and age of digital downloads. Who needs two copies of the same songs? Really! There will be three extra songs on the “deluxe” version: “E.T.” featuring Kanye West (which is a total rip off of T.A.T.U.’s “All The Things She Said“), an acoustic version of “The One That Got Away” (or, the song she needs to be number one to beat Michael Jackson’s record) and “T.G.I.F. (Last Friday Night) featuring Missy Eliot (ok, I’d pay the 99 cents for this one).

Exactly. Photo via sodahead.com

We all know the music industry is soooo bleak. Adele practically owned 2011 with her album 21, to which nobody could compete against. But really, I don’t know anyone who is that big of a Katy Perry fan to buy practically the same album twice, when you could just buy the 1 song with Missy Eliot (where’ve you been girl!?) that hasn’t been released yet, for 99 cents. I mean, especially for us poor-ish 20 somethings, buying the one song vs copies of the other songs we already have just makes sense.

This is one of those times where the music industry sadly and shockingly hasn’t quite caught up with the times, because nobody buys CDs. And if we do take our time to go to the store and physically buy the CD, it’s for our soul-mate favorite musical artist, not copies of a Katy Perry CD.

Celebrité: Heidi Klum files for divorce from Seal

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Say it ain’t so!

Heidi Klum and Seal divorce

Heidi Klum and Seal, in better times.
Heidi Klum and Seal, in better times.

It’s being reported that Heidi Klum is going to file for divorce from Seal, citing “irreconcilable differences.” They seemed like one of the Hollywood couples that were truly in love and had the goods to make it in the long run. They even renewed their vows every year and had amazing Halloween costumes.

First Katy Perry and Russell Brand, then Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, and NOW Heidi and Seal. Come on, Hollywood, make one that sticks!

If Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt ever break up, I’m going to be crushed and it will be proven that love cannot last a lifetime. Or maybe I’ll base it on Elton John and his hubby David Furnish. Neither of which are technically Hollywood couples. Maybe that’s the real problem: Hollywood is too full of deranged, self-obsessed, megalomaniacs who are mentally and physically incapable of commitment with other deranged, self-obsessed, megalomaniacs.

Just like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and their open relationship, which is bogus in the first place because human beings get jealous no matter what the arrangements are. Especially if your much younger husband is fooling around with much younger women who don’t respect the sanctity of marriagebecause it’s Ashton Kutcher and maybe he will buy them a new purse, or a cream to get rid of the rash in the morning. Gross. Ashton Kutcher continually looks like a dirty fart. No thank you.

More like jerkface!
More like jerkface!

But come on, dudes in Hollywood. Marriage isn’t easy. But stop shitting all over it.

My advice to any megalomaniacal celebrity looking for love in Hollywood is the following: If you’re obsessed with yourself and think you’re the best/prettiest/smartest/most powerful in the world etc., marry one of your stalkers because at least they’ll worship you forever. But they may make dolls out of your hair. Only if you’re lucky.