Fashion: Get a raincoat or be a dirty street kid forever

When I awoke this great morn to find that it was cloudy and raining, my first thought was not “FUCK LIFE WHY IS IT RAIIIIIIIINING?!” Instead, I took a positive route: “FUCK YES. I get to wear my raincoat!”

I don’t often think about raincoats, but I saw one in Target a month ago and thought to myself “hey, that’s not a completely useless thing I could buy. I’ll take it!” 

I’m not afraid to say it: Raincoats are the most marginalized group of the jacket community. Sometimes there are those hybrid jackets that are wintry, warm and water-resistant, covering the three Ws of jackets. Well, I’ve got another one for you: Whore. Dirty little jacket whores. Why ya gotta take all the fun out of raincoats?!

Here are some amazing raincoats that could really make you excited and even wishing for rainy days.

Raincoats that will blow your mind

This is my raincoat. $29.99 and it comes in blue, green, red, yellow and purple. It’s amazing, and not super crinkly or stiff to the point that it’s making a shit ton of plastic noise everywhere I go. It’s important that your clothes don’t make noise, unless you’re into that. Perv.

This raincoat is the definition of the song “Funky Cold Medina.” It’s $68 and comes in one color: Fucking awesome.

This one from Urban Outfitters is good for the sportier of folk. It comes in red and yellow and is $69.

Très cute. $58.95 on sale. This puppy is a little see-through with a lace-like design. Perfect if you like your raincoats risqué.

This raincoat looks like a kindergarden art project. LOVE IT. $49.99 on sale.

So there ya go. Now stop being a heathen street kid, walking around in a winter parka in April just because it’s raining. It’s really embarrassing for you. You’re better than that. (No offense to street kids, who don’t have iPhones or laptops upon which to read this blog. I also realize umbrellas exists, and if you’re an umbrella enthusiast go fuck yourself  then disregard this post. Hugs!)

And if you live in a place where it never rains, I feel bad for you son. You got 99 jackets and a rain ain’t one. Hit me!