At the risk of sounding cliche/sexist/bored with my own sex life throughout this series, I’d like to offer these views on sexuality plaguing me and the 20-somethings in my life. Post #1.
American society and sexuality
How can a culture so fucking OBSESSED with sex be so bad at fucking? Of course it’s horrible of me to group every American (mostly the American straight dudes cuz those are the ones I’m doin’) into the category of being terrible in bed, because that obviously isn’t true. This is more for the dudes who have never heard of foreplay and how VITALLY IMPORTANT IT IS to have good sex with a woman, people who only get theirs and don’t share the O wealth, and those plagued with sex shame. Yikes!
Sex is everywhere. “Sex sells!” they say. So why is it that we are constantly surrounded by sexual images, sexual songs on the radio that sometimes play into rape culture, etc. but doing the actual deed gets people really stressed out, leading to bad bedroom experiences? I’ve got a few ideas.
Everyone has insecurities. It’s practically unavoidable unless you’re some 50-year-old yogi who don’t give NO shits anymore. You’d think the fact that we all have insecurities about our bodies, our personalities and weird hair would cancel out in bed and we could all just have a good time. But no.
Is it that we’re all so self-centered? I know the times I’ve been deathly insecure in bed have been due to freaking out about something concerning my own naked body. Is he gonna think I’m disgusting for not shaving myself bald/I shouldn’t have eaten that burrito/If I have a double chin from this angle I’m going to kill myself are probably all things that used to run through my mind from the beginning of my sex life (18) to around 22.
What most people don’t realize until well into their sexual experimentation is that these insecurities read as crazy disinterest in your sexual partner. While you’re freaking out about how you look from a certain angle, they’re getting that you’re so uncomfortable, probably with them, that you can’t even enjoy or pay attention to the shared experience.
Tip: next time you’re in bed with someone, try to NOT think about yourself and your insecurites. Nobody is perfect. Celebrities crap/queef/feel unloved sometimes too, bro. I know it’s hard, but if you take baby steps to being secure with yourself, practicing self acceptance, trust and maybe having a bit of confidence, the sex will get SO SO SO much better.
Ugh. THE MEDIA, DUN DUN DUN! What a crazy ecosystem of all the wrong ways to live. NO WONDER so many straight dudes think sex can start immediately without any foreplay for the lady parts. We need that shit. WE NEED IT. NEED. IT.
I guess for the sake of quick storytelling it makes sense (American Pie and their awful, horrible, no good sexualities come to mind), but in a culture where sex is a shameful act (damn you, Puritans!), it comes across sometimes as something to “get over with” as quickly as possible. Nu-uh. Cut it out right now.
Tip: Watch a bunch of artistic French or Latino films or something. Observe the sensuality. Have sex with a foreigner from a sensual land! Learn about sexuality in a different culture. It’s not like other cultures don’t have their own probs (yo misogyny, heavy gender stereotypes, bad outfits) but at least you can learn a bit about how other cultures express themselves sexually. It’s important to step outside of our own heads sometimes to get a different perspective. Also, just get sensual. Shame is lame!
I remember when I used to buy and read magazines like Cosmopolitan. I was mostly a pre-teen to real teen during those years, because that shit is insufferable to read now. A friend in high school actually boycotted reading the mags after she read a tip similar to this: Keep your man satisfied in bed so he won’t leave you. SPIT TAKE! What the fuck. Seriously.
Here is a funny list of the worst Cosmo sex tips that’s pretty representative of the bullshit that gets printed in these sad mags. It’s seriously like none of these women have ever been in bed with a man and are taking descriptions straight from Harlequin romance novels and making them 10 times WORSE.
Tip: don’t take advice from magazines. They are the worst gender/sex/sexuality propaganda EVER. Go to a punk coffee shop, find a girl with a shaved head and ask her a bunch of questions about gender and sexuality. It will be the best conversation of your life. I promise. Or, you know, talk things out with your partner. Good communication is key to a great lay. HEY!