Recipe: Melted ice cream

Image via

Fuck yeah. Melted ice cream is the best food ever.

Supplies: Ice cream, spoon or fork, time

Directions: Sit on counter for 5-7 minutes. Eat!

Food: Girl Scout Cookie Season

Tis the season, bitches. That’s right: Girl Scout Cookies will be melting in our mouths in a little over two weeks. You can even enter your zip code for the nearest Girl Scout council in your area. This is one fine American tradition, folks.

These cookies make over $700 million every year. That's a lot of awesome cookies. Photo via
These cookies make over $700 million every year. That's a lot of awesome cookies. Photo via

What’s your favorite cookie?! It’ almost too cruel to choose.

Infuriation: Paula Deen

Paula Deen has Type 2 diabetes. There’s the shock of the century! 

The 65-year-old chef is synonymous with butter, sugar and cooking whatever the fuck she wants using those ingredients. Perhaps one of the most outrageous recipes is her donut burger. Barf.

Anyone who watches her show or is familiar with her cooking cannot possibly be shocked that this woman has type 2 diabetes, which is caused by having an unhealthy diet. Lucky for Deen, pharmaceutical company Novo Nordisk offered her an endorsement deal to promote diabetes medication. How CONVENIENT, seeing as she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2008.

Is there really anything more soulless than having a TV show based on cooking and shameless consumption of fat, getting diabetes and hiding it only until a pharmaceutical company pays you to endorse medication?

Gross, Paula Deen. You should be ashamed!
Gross, Paula Deen. You should be ashamed!

What’s more is that she’s defending her eating choices and southern cooking. News flash, Paula Deen, being self righteous about eating like shit and being fat makes you look like a huge jerk. Being overweight and unhealthy is never cool or something to be proud of. Obesity is a huge issue with the health of Americans and it needs to be taken seriously, not encouraged.

Eat what you want in moderation. How hard is that? Really?

Anthony Bourdain, chef and super cool badass
Anthony Bourdain, chef and super cool badass

Chef, travel channel host of the coolest show alive and all around awesome guy, Anthony Bourdain, was understandably miffed at the entire situation. He tweeted, “Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later.”  What a rock star.

Paula Deen hilariously shot back at Bourdain saying that “You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine,” all while wearing an expensive chinchilla coat. So she hates animals and claims to be poor. Sociopath?

By the by, type 2 diabetes can be managed without medication by changing to a healthy diet and engaging in exercise. I guess it’s better for her fans to fill themselves with pills and butter than to eat vegetables and work out a couple times a week. You can really tell how much she cares about her fans, as well as other overweight Americans.

Food: Pizza bagels

20, poor and fabulous. Well, in-my-20s, poor and very fabulous. Minor details.

Having little money, an aversion to fast food and a pantry full of parent-friendly 16 grain bread and such, I am often forced to be very creative with my late-ish night snacks. 9:30 isn’t very late, but when you live with your parents and they love a 5:00 dinner, 9:30 can feel like a lifetime.

In between reruns of Sex and the City, my appetite, and thirst for wine to take the unemployed edge off, run rampant. I could take the easy way out and hit up Taco Bell, but I’m not that stupid. Eating that shit is stupid enough in the day light, let alone hours away from bedtime. So I find creative, sometimes awesome, oftentimes disgusting ways to fill my belly with healthier options right from my parents pantry.

Tonight it was, you guessed it, 16-grain bread, organic pizza sauce and pepper jack and mozzerella cheeses. Maybe it sounds good, maybe it sounds bad, but it wasn’t all it lived up to be. I’m no slouch in the kitchen, but sometimes when you don’t have what you crave, you have to get creative and hope for the best.

Yummmmmmmmmmmm, Photo:
Yummmmmmmmmmmm, Photo:

However, I can entrust you with a simple, inexpensive and amazing late-night alternative to 16-grain pizzas and a call to Papa Johns (but holy shit, that garlic sauce is fucking awesome.)

Late Night Pizza Bagels

There are a few ways to make late night pizza with things not involving Taco Hut. Bagels are an awesome option in place of 16 grain bread. But when it comes down to brass tacks, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.



Jar of pizza sauce

Italian cheeses, mixed bag or cheeses of your choice

Optional: Meats, veggies, anything that can go on a pizza

Cut the bagels in half and place on a baking sheet. Preheat the oven to 400 F. Spread the pizza sauce over the cut bagels covering the surface and using as much sauce as you’d like. Then sprinkle the cheese over the sauce. Place any toppings you’d like on top of the cheese. Pepperonis work great, but I don’t know many people who just happen to have pepperonis on hand. Put the bagels in the oven for about 10-12 minutes, or until the bagels feel crispy and the cheese has melted.

My good-intentioned 16-grain pizza debacle.
My good-intentioned 16-grain pizza debacle.

I hope you enjoy your fool-proof pizza bagels. Try them, they are so so easy to make even if you hate cooking with all of your soul. They are seriously awesome, and a bajillion times better than the disastrous 16-grain pizzas I made tonight. Which may be attributed to my hatred of 16-grain bread.