Relationships: The virtual EX

"What, you're not gonna recycle? I've always hated you you fucking prick." Image via

Not only do we have to worry about running into exes in real life (thankfully all of mine are on different continents!), but now we have the down right *pleasure* of running into their virtual presence just around every mutual friend’s status update comment section. How lovely.

Being that there is nothing to do about a virtual run in, short of changing your Facebook name and fake-moving to Guatemala to work with blind cats, it still doesn’t make seeing their fake-happy face pop up in your newsfeed (usually filled with such jolly posts as Look at this cat or Please read this article about Ron Paul) any easier. I mean, the last thing anyone wants is to see their ex, looking happy, gorgeous or worse -moving on- 

What a bitch! Image via

Keeping ties with your recent ex on Facebook has got to be just about the most excruciating social networking experiences ever. I’ve never done it, as it’s always best for me to rip that bandaid off rather than agonize over who he just friended, because I’ve seen this before way too many times via movies, real life friends and a little thing I like to call dating in college. At one point or another in our dating and relationship lives, we’ve all had conversations that go a little like this:

You: Oh my God, he friended someone. Who is she? What’s her name? Is she ugly? Is she fat?

Your best friend: She’s fat. And you are SO much prettier than her. Seriously. She’s fucking hideous. And fat. Did I mention she’s fat? (Friend cringes because doesn’t know if the ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’ new girl post-breakup quota has been met)

You: Thank God. She’s a fucking bitch. I hate her. No, wait. I hate HIM. He’s the REAL problem. He’s such a piece of shit. Do you think he misses me? DAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! I’ll be alone forever!!!!

Your friend: (Sigh of relief. Fat and ugly quota met) Fuck him. Let’s just get wasted. Forget that piece of shit. Margaritas?

The plot of "The Breakup" is literally what online breakups are like. Your ex is still around, eating up all the good comment space and STILL leaving the toilet seat up. Dick! Image via

Breakups used to be hard enough. A deadly note passed to you at your locker in 6th grade with the ominous “I don’t like you anymore” or the more mature but still lame phone breakup that was all the rage in 7th. Then there’s the through-a-friend breakup that had someone else knowing the fate of your breakup before you, email breakups, texting breakups (those people should be lobotomized), skype breakups and the much more respectable but still pretty shitty in-person breakup. And NOW, you’re telling me that we have complete access to our exes’ daily lives?! GROSS.

I propose an app. If you’re the kind of person, like me, who just wants it out-of-sight-out-of-mind, then this newfangled app would block access to that person’s page for like 3 months, until you’ve completely forgotten about the sucker and moved on to cuter, wealthier pastures (more like semi-cute and alive. But hey, a girl can dream). The late night photo-viewing sessions and friend request-stalking is hilarious and frightening in an I’m having your first born and then eating it because you talked to another girl sort of way.

It’s really best for the sake of everyone if we all just take a nice, big virtual breather after a breakup, because eating your first born to exact revenge on a shitty ex-boyfriend sounds like a real drag. Unless you’re into that.

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