Gross, Uncategorized

5 WORST things about summer

icecream

“Summer is great” they say. “We can go to the beach” they say. “Shorts are fun” nobody they say. Sure, summer has its beautiful moments when you’re finally breaking free from winter’s weakening death grip around your pale, chubby neck. But now that we’re in the thick of it, I’ve got some griping to do because I’m charming like that. Holla atcha winter baby. Here are the 5 worst things about summer.

1. NIGHT SWEATS suck

So your winter cuddle and Netflix partner didn’t get fucked off the second your seasonal depression subsided. How great 4 U. But what are you supposed to do in the summer when laying in bed next to each other is about as appealing as sitting next to a bonfire at noon with a humidifier in the dead heat of July? It’s horrible. All you wanna do is snuggle up to your person of choice, but your A/C bill is more than your paycheck and maybe you don’t really need love anyways.

2. Bugs are fucking lame

Seriously. Yeah yeah yeah, the ecosystem, squirrels need to eat, something needs to look gross on my windshield so the powerful gas station squeegee lobby can control the weather with their billions. I get it. Bugs are still the most annoying thing on planet earth.

3. Hot Dogs are weird

‘Nuff said.

hot_dog

4. TV reruns are killing me

I know you’re supposed to be outside or whatever in the summer, and maybe it’s some government conspiracy with Hollyweird to get the kind folk of the nation into the outdoors for vitamin D and fresh air. I say whatever. These reruns of Ellen on tv all the time are sending me into an existential crisis.¬†You can find me in the club / drowning in the screams of middle aged women at a live taping of Ellen.

5. Summer clothes are ugly

the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u think

the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u know

It’s like the fashion world takes a vacation in January to screw you over for decent summer style. Maybe nobody cares what they look like in the summer because you’re sweaty and frizzy anyways. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE crop tops. But the cold months definitely have a leg up on better clothing choices. RE: LAYERS. LEGGINGS. FUR COATS. Hats that don’t make everyone around you wish they had a stabbing knife for hat murder.

Honorable mention: Calvin Harris’ “Summer”

Pander-y bore tunes made for bros and basics. PUKE

 

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Gross

Summertime sadness is upon us all

OH GOD. The month where all summer activities become stale. The clothes are worn. You don’t even think about the sun anymore, because it’s there all the time. Then when it goes away, it’s like “what the fuck is going on.” Fall clothing hasn’t HIT THE FUCKING STORES YET. All the shitty summer clothes are on sale. Summer romancing is starting to fuck with your life. This is summertime sadness my friends.

ALL HAIL THE RETURN OF FALL. Gaga’s ready. Are you?

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Forever Young

Forever Young: The Ice Cream Man

Not quite the same child memory, but similar nonetheless. Image via newyorkstreetfood.com

Ahh, the days of the Ice Cream Man. You’d pray for him to come down your street, count your nickels 10 times over to make sure you had a whole dollar and wait for what seemed like¬†fo. ev. a.¬†Once in a while I’ll hear the bells of the ice cream man, and be taken back to a time where our parents warned us about strangers and pedophiles but we didn’t give a shit because “that big van has ice cream, suckaz!!” Those were the days!

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Food

Food: Berries are delicious

Image via freakingnews.com

I’ve never been one of those people that pick the ‘three berry’ option. You know, three berry pie, three berry muffin, three berry smoothie, etc. If I had to choose, I’m strawberry or GTFO. I mean, berrylicious is a really bad pun, and it’s ALL OVER any semblence of a berrylicious food. Besides, when berries aren’t in season, or they have to come from a far away place, they are kind of small, wilty and covered in sugar.

I recently embarked upon a dire mission, one to end the end of all ends: grocery shopping. It’s summer, and light, fluffy things are everywhere. It creates this sort of over-the-top need to consume light super things, a la ice cream (holy shit, ICE CREAM. This place in Edina is the shit.), salads and BERRIES.

Not what I was looking for. I forgot these existed. I’m always shocked when I learn someone has one, like Lady Gaga or anyone on Gossip Girl. Image via phonegg.com

Think about raspberries. Blackberries. BLUEBERRIES!!! It’s an awakening. Berries are juicy, filled with anti-oxidents and are so, so yummy.

Here are some light berry-centered things to drive you crazy hungry with!

  • Fluffy, amazing pancakes with berries and whipped cream (ps why is there not a specialty drive through pancake joint? Should we start one?)
  • A homemade, fresh berry pie (because pies are always better homemade and freshly made)
  • French vanilla yogurt, vanilla almond crunch granola, raspberries and blackberries
  • Vanilla ice cream with balsalmic berries

I recently had a strawberry balsalmic cupcake at Sweet Retreat and it was PHENOMENAL. SO in love with berries!

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20 something

Summer guide: Drinks

Image via lemondropkisses.tumblr.com

This is Part 2 of the 20poorandfabulous summer guide to a healthy, happy and fabulous summer! 

Summer Drinks

Ahhhh, the refreshing mist of a summer drink on your tongue. Hot coffees and heavy drinks have no business being in your summer drink repertoire. Here are some great summer drinks that will keep you hydrated or keep you fabulously buzzed.

Golf legend Arnold Palmer is a legend in my heart for his fabulous drink. Image via celebritiesfans.com

 Arnold Palmers

Arnold Palmer IS the definitive summer drink. Half iced tea, half lemonade, totally fucking cool. The big cans at the gas stations are ok for dire situations, but my favorite drink take on AP’s classic quencher is at Starbucks. The Tazo green tea and lemonade is my fucking summer jam. I dream about these drinks. I only let myself buy them once in a while or on a particularly sunny day (budgeting leaves for weird delicacies like Starbucks, cuz that shit ain’t cheap!).¬†The crisp and light taste of tea paired with the tartness of the lemonade is just beautiful.

Luckily Arnold Palmers are tres easy to make at home. Whip up some green tea and fresh lemonade (or buy lemonade at the store), mix and you’re ready to roll. You can also use any kind of drink mix paired with tea, like crystal light or kool-aid if you’re feeling nostalgic.

Mojitos

Mojitos are fucking great. Minty, lime-y and alcohol-y. This can’t possibly go wrong.

Recipe

  • 10 fresh mint leaves
  • 1/2 lime, cut into 4 wedges
  • 2 tablespoons white¬†sugar, or to taste
  • 1 cup ice cubes
  • 1 1/2 fluid ounces white rum
  • 1/2 cup club soda

Place mint leaves and 1 lime wedge into a sturdy glass. Use a muddler to crush the mint and lime to release the mint oils and lime juice. Add 2 more lime wedges and the sugar, and muddle again to release the lime juice. Do not strain the mixture. Fill the glass almost to the top with ice. Pour the rum over the ice, and fill the glass with carbonated water. Stir, taste, and add more sugar if desired. Garnish with the remaining lime wedge.

(Recipe courtesy of allrecipes.com)

Anything at the restaurant called Summer Punch

Just go with it. It’s probably fruity, filled with rum and hopefully a really good time.

Image via wishfulchef.com

 Sangria

Sangria is one of the best drinks ever. Wine, fruit and a whole bunch of fun. Plus, after you finish the drink, you get a healthy-ish snack at the end! And if anyone gives you the stink eye for eating the fruit, they can fuck off because that shit rocks.

Recipe

  • 1 Bottle of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Rioja reds, Zinfandel, Shiraz)
  • 1 Lemon cut into wedges
  • 1 Orange cut into wedges
  • 2 Tbsp sugar
  • 1 Shot brandy
  • 2 Cups ginger ale or club soda
Pour wine in the pitcher and squeeze the juice wedges from the lemon and orange into the wine. Toss in the fruit wedges (leaving out seeds if possible) and add sugar and brandy. Chill overnight. Add ginger ale or club soda just before serving. If you’d like to serve right away, use chilled red wine and serve over lots of ice.

Anything frozen

Because it’s hot as fuck out and you gotta stay cool bitch.

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20 something, Beauty

Summer guide: Skincare

Image via plumdistrict.com

SUMMER!!! Hey!!! You’re here! We’ve fucking missed you. For real. Winter can be SUCH a bitch sometimes. She made me gain 5 pounds and my skin looks like shit. Whatever I’m over it. Let’s get drunk.

With our new friend summer back in our lives again like friendly faces from old DVDs of The O.C., we’ve got to remember what she has in store for us. Here is the first part of the 20poorandfabulous guide to beginning your summer healthily, happily and above all fabulously.

PART ONE: Skincare

Image via physiciansformula.com

It is OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE to take care of your skin. I don’t care how pretty you are, how young and supple your skin is, or even if you don’t care. You NEED to take care of your skin. Your future 40 year old self will buy you many cocktails in honor of your skin preserving foresight in your 20s. Find a moisturizer that has a hefty SPF 15 built right into the formula. When you moisturize each morning, you won’t even have to worry about the sun because it will already be put into your skincare routine.

Some makeups come with SPF too. I’ve used Physician Formula bronzer with SPF 50 built in. This is really nice, especially for your cheeks where sun hits and tends to damage the most.

Don’t forget your lips either! This can be an easy place to forget to put sunscreen. Maybe because lips are lippy and feel different that the rest of our skin. But sunburning them can be a fucking BITCH. I like regular Chapstick brand with SPF¬†30. Whatever you do, DO NOT buy Burts Bees lifeguard chapstick with SPF. Although it offers nice protection, it turns your lips white from the zinc and does not look cute.

With the weather getting warmer and clothes getting smaller, it’s important to keep the rest of your body in mind when it comes to skincare. The shoulders and chest area in particular are places you’ll want to keep moisturized with sunscreen. Spray can sunscreens can be cool and convenient, but keep in mind the environmental impact on the ozone layer that spray can ingredients destroy. I’ve used Vanicream SPF 30. The product is fragrance-free, lanolin-free, PABA-free, gluten-free, preservative-free¬†with no chemical additives,¬†cinnamates or benzophenones and is non-comodogenic. Awesome. It was designed at the Mayo Clinic to be ideal for people with sensitive skin. My only complaint is that it is a little stubborn to rub in. But really, I don’t need to be that fucking lazy. Spending an extra 15 seconds rubbing something on my skin ain’t no thang.

Lastly, remember to stay hydrated! Heat exhaustion is no joke. Plus, lots of water keeps you and your beautiful skin happy and healthy.

What’s the point of having great skin if you’re not having fun?! Part 2: Summer Drinks is coming up next where Arnold Palmer is crowned genius of the world.

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