You know when you’re flirting with someone, and you’re pretty sure it’s going well? Or when someone is flirting with you, and you can tell they think it’s going well even though you’re like “aw hell nah”? It’s a relatable feeling around the globe. But one thing that is never, EVER acceptable during this human mating ritual that is flirting, is calling someone bud.
Hear me out. I had an ex once, who, after we broke up, started calling me bud. What am I, the dirty kid across the street that drinks all your milk and eats all your snacks after a rousing game of Mario Kart? I don’t fucking think so.
Or, like today, when my roommate came home and told me quite an unfortunate story of a grad student attempting to flirt with her by calling her bud. Since when is calling someone bud a good idea? Really. Newsflash for the Boys in Crisis of America: if you want to get laid, do not ever call a girl bud. There is nothing sexy, exciting, or “I bet he has a full time job and a great dick” about the use of the word bud.
Here are some tips for when to use the word bud:
- If you’ve ever orgasmed inside/on someone, do not call them bud.
- If you ever plan on orgasming inside/on someone, do not call them bud.
- Even if you are pretty sure it won’t work out, but something about the American dream has forced you to believe in attaining the impossible, do not call her bud.
- “Hey girl, you wanna smoke this bud?” Okay, this is fine.
See, it’s really not that hard: if you wanna get laid, offer her marijuana and for the love of god, do not call her bud. SEACREST OUT.