Gross, Uncategorized

5 WORST things about summer

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“Summer is great” they say. “We can go to the beach” they say. “Shorts are fun” nobody they say. Sure, summer has its beautiful moments when you’re finally breaking free from winter’s weakening death grip around your pale, chubby neck. But now that we’re in the thick of it, I’ve got some griping to do because I’m charming like that. Holla atcha winter baby. Here are the 5 worst things about summer.

1. NIGHT SWEATS suck

So your winter cuddle and Netflix partner didn’t get fucked off the second your seasonal depression subsided. How great 4 U. But what are you supposed to do in the summer when laying in bed next to each other is about as appealing as sitting next to a bonfire at noon with a humidifier in the dead heat of July? It’s horrible. All you wanna do is snuggle up to your person of choice, but your A/C bill is more than your paycheck and maybe you don’t really need love anyways.

2. Bugs are fucking lame

Seriously. Yeah yeah yeah, the ecosystem, squirrels need to eat, something needs to look gross on my windshield so the powerful gas station squeegee lobby can control the weather with their billions. I get it. Bugs are still the most annoying thing on planet earth.

3. Hot Dogs are weird

‘Nuff said.

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4. TV reruns are killing me

I know you’re supposed to be outside or whatever in the summer, and maybe it’s some government conspiracy with Hollyweird to get the kind folk of the nation into the outdoors for vitamin D and fresh air. I say whatever. These reruns of Ellen on tv all the time are sending me into an existential crisis.¬†You can find me in the club / drowning in the screams of middle aged women at a live taping of Ellen.

5. Summer clothes are ugly

the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u think

the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u know

It’s like the fashion world takes a vacation in January to screw you over for decent summer style. Maybe nobody cares what they look like in the summer because you’re sweaty and frizzy anyways. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE crop tops. But the cold months definitely have a leg up on better clothing choices. RE: LAYERS. LEGGINGS. FUR COATS. Hats that don’t make everyone around you wish they had a stabbing knife for hat murder.

Honorable mention: Calvin Harris’ “Summer”

Pander-y bore tunes made for bros and basics. PUKE

 

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Fashion

Fashion: the PERFECT summer crop top

DENNIS Don't Fall in Love

New¬†fashion: DENNIS “Don’t Fall in Love” crop tops and t-shirts for summer

You may or may not know this, but I am an electronic pop artist that goes by the name DENNIS. My girl Sarah and I are releasing a full-length electro-pop album this summer out of Minneapolis that is srsly gonna murder you (in a good way) when you’re hate-singing about your ex in the car. It’s called “Don’t Fall in Love” and is a collection of bangerz produced by me and written by me and Sarah that are all huge electronic pop jams about how much¬†love/lust/life can SUCK.

Along with the album, I have designed a concept line of crop tops and t-shirts that go along with the essence of “Don’t Fall in Love”. You can wear a crop that says “YUCK” or “NO“, “UGH” or “DENNIS“. They are hilarious, hand painted by us and glittery as fuck. If you’re a glass half-empty type of person, you’re gonna love this shit. They are only $10, and all the proceeds go to funding the album release.

!! BUY ONE HERE NOW !!

this is us. we are weird, nice and fun. plz support us.

this is us. we are weird, nice and fun. plz support us.

PLUS, you get a free download of our first electronic pop EP “Ice Cold”. Or you can just download all of our weird pop music for free here. But for real, you’re gonna look so hot in this shit that your shitty ex will probably die or at least tell you that you were right all along and are super hottt.

Plus, a drunk guy once told me that if you support independent music, an angel will bless you with millions of kisses and good luck for like 20 whole minutes. I wouldn’t pass that kind of a deal up bc you never know when you’ll need some KOOL karma.

PS: we also hand paint glitter sweatshirts if that’s more your thang, hottie.

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20 something

How to live fabulous when you’re broke

someday we'll be this fab.

she’s gasping at this amazing advice

Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you can’t be fabulous. This is the shit I do to stay¬†cool as hell without a ton of $$$$$$$$$.

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awww FUCK yeah

  1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE going out to eat. But when you’re broke-ish, that can be hard to legitimize. Let me help you, baby. When you go out to dinner, eat half of what you order, and take the other half home for a second meal. This automatically cuts your money spent on meals and food out in half. Getting a $10 burger and fries? Hey, that’s like 5 bucks a meal from an actual restaurant! And waaaaay better than McDonalds. PLUS, if you only eat half of the normally wayyyyy big portions, it’s almost like a diet. A diet of half your hamburger and half your fries. I’ve actually been able to eat like 3-4 meals out of some Chinese takeout because they REALLY give you a lot of food. It’s so fucking beautiful. But nobody likes a cheap ass, so make sure you always tip your beautiful servers.
  2. Salad bars from grocery stores are another weakness. There’s so many vegetables, cool pastas and weird yummy shit that is too hard and expensive to make at home alone. But sometimes the salad bar can get expensive. If you ditch the salad dressing, I’ve found you can save like almost 2 bucks because that shit is heavy. Also try to avoid other weirdly heavy shit like cottage cheese.
  3. Find a friend who is the same size as you. Wardrobe=DOUBLED. But if they have bad style, don’t bother. Ain’t nobody got time fo dat shit.

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    girl lemme borrow that top

  4. Cancel your gym membership and do yoga videos online. I just canceled my LA Fitness membership that was $40 a month because I fucking hate them. There are plastic surgery videos on the TVs there, contests in the bathrooms to win lipo/botox, and they even sold pizza at the LA Fitness in Midway. The energy around that place is tainted and disgusting. These free podcasts from Yogamazing are awesome and perfect for bedroom yoga. If you have enough self control to actually do them.
  5. Get a couple of friends together and throw a dinner party at home. It is SO much fucking cheaper to feed 6 people at home than out at a restaurant. Plus you can buy some ritzy shit for the price of some not-so-ritzy shit at a restaurant. Just make sure you look up a good recipe or have a friend who actually likes to cook before you ruin the foie gras.
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Fashion

Fashion: Dreamin’ spring style at our fave hooker spot Forever 21

I’m obsessed with Forever 21. I am so not 21, but I still shop there bc it’s a great store to add fresh, hooker chic pieces to your thrift store wardrobe. Even though there’s still a ton of snow ruining our lives, spring fashion is comin’ lil babies. It’s hard to believe, I know. The snow is getting dangerously brown, the crunch of your dirty snow boots is starting to drive you insane and everybody’s pale skin has hit that almost green tint that makes you wanna puke. Plus, NO MORE SWEATERS PLZ. So why not forget about all of that for a minute and dream about all the cheap ass fabulous clothes we’re gonna spill mojitos on instead?¬†skirt

Favorite Scuba-Knit Skirt, $12.80

I bought 3 of these. They are super flattering, comfortable and the exact material that you wish you were wearing right now but winter is FORCING YOU TO DROWN IN ITCHY KNITS. (More like bitchy knits, amirite?)

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Big City Crop Top, $10.80

This crop top is hilarious. Every time I shop at Forever 21, I laugh because some of the shit there is so insane and I HAVE to buy it. It’s nice to wear some pieces that make you laugh a little because that’s what life is all about. Also my style philosophy is to look chic with an splash of “that bitch might have a switchblade”. This crop top is perfect for that look.

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Darling Skater Dress, $11.80

This dress looks flattering as hell. I can picture it now: Cute dress, too many whiskeys, throwing up at the bar with runny eyeliner on a first date. YES PLEASE.

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Marvel Comics Mini Skirt, $13.80

If you’re trying to woo a huge nerd who would freak out over a Marvel Comics skirt, here ya go. But don’t buy clothes JUST to woo nerds who love nerd shit. They may have good chips in their game den, but do they have a good heart in their love den? (Maybe u never know who is a piece of gold hiding behind a stereotype)

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Fresh Satin Varsity Jacket, $29.80

This jacket says “I wear brass knuckles”. So hot.

heart sunglasses

F1888 Heart-shaped Sunglasses, $7.80

It’s nice to wear something sweet like this before you steal someone’s wallet on a rooftop happy hour. The perfect crime!

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20 something, Minneapolis

5 reasons the polar vortex is the best thing to happen to winter

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I am LOVING the polar vortex. Do nothing and eat a bunch? I didn’t know it was so cold in HEAVEN. Here’s why I’m having the time of my life.

1. Lay in bed and watch Netflix ALL DAY

Are you kidding me? Is this my birthday, Christmas, AND Halloween combined? Check it: Lay in bed, wear whatever crazy combination of sweaters, hot pants and fun socks your heart desires. Throw on a tiara if you want. Paint your face up like Heath Ledger in that Batman movie (I know it’s the Dark Knight u shoulda seen ur face) or like Gaga in her “Applause” video. Scare your roommates with said faces, and then after a good stabbing¬†laugh, invite them into the living room for an afternoon of Netflix. Pick the most disgusting guilty pleasure shows that have ever existed to man and watch them, like Bridalplasty or The Swan. Or maybe you like really good things and don’t waste your time watching the worst humans alive compete for plastic surgery (u suck but whatever). I hear Breaking Bad is good. Also MELROSE PLACE¬†has all the murder, love triangles and personality disorders you could EVER dream of.

You’ve been gifted HAVING to stay indoors under blankets and watch TV. Don’t fuck it up by doing anything else, like productive shit. PRAISE BE TO ARCTICA, GOD OF POLAR WINDS, UNLIMITED STREAMING AND EARLY BED TIMES.

2. Eat whatever you want images

It’s a polar vortex outside! Are you kidding me! High temperatures are in the high -10s! YOU EAT THAT FROZEN PIZZA. You eat it good, and eat it by yourself. After that, eat a bag of chips. Then ice cream. Then an apple because you should eat one healthy thing at least sometimes. But most importantly eat whatever you want because you might need those calories when your ’03 Ford Taurus hits black ice on the highway and sends you careening over the side of a bridge only to be caught in the strong and sexy limbs of a frozen tree. Yes you’re STRANDED ¬†in a car, stuck in a tree, and even though you’ve survived a harrowing once-in-a-lifetime experience, your dad is still gonna KILL YOU for playing Candy Crush while driving. But at least you ate enough pizza and chips beforehand to be able to survive falling off a bridge in a car and being saved by a tree. You’ll be a Facebook star for like 5 hours (suck it, people with cute kids)!! ¬†Pretty sure that’s called living the dream.

3. FUR

Um, if there’s any time to bust out that fur coat your politically incorrect yet fabulously stylish grandmother gave you before she moved into some old person orgy center in Florida, it’s now. I don’t care what that vegan says on Facebook (why are you facebook friends with a vegan). WERK DAT FUR OR DIE A BITING DEATH IN THE FRIGID ELEMENTS.

you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna

you could look THIS fabulous in the polar vortex. you kno you wanna. GAGA YAAAAAS

4. Social obligations are nil

You know what? You DON’T have to go to your ex-roommate’s new roommate’s boyfriend’s free rock show tonight. Maybe your car battery seriously isn’t working, or maybe it is buuuuuuut there’s no need to push it. Maybe it’s too cold out to find parking and then walk 5 blocks in the hip part of town for drinks because frostbite really DOES set in after 5 minutes! Maybe you’re an alien working for a galactic organization hell bent on taking over Earth and the subzero temperatures don’t affect you. But who’s to say you don’t deserve a couple of quiet nights in? YOU DESERVE IT.

Guilt-free stay-ins? THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!!

5. Bonding time

The polar vortex is a GREAT way for some extra bonding time with your roommates. Get to know the person who smells your shit in the morning a little better. Do they like Katy Perry? Do they “get” performance art? Have they ever murdered anyone on purpose? Who did they vote for in the last People’s Choice Awards?¬†Throw a pizza¬†in the oven, pop a stale 40, and open up those floodgates, baby.

this is you during the winter vortex. you've never looked happier.

this is you during the winter vortex. you’ve never looked happier.

THANKS POLAR VORTEX!!!

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Hit Miss Mess: Teen Choice Awards

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Style at the Teen Choice Awards and Lea Michele’s tribute to Cory Monteith

Style at the Teen Choice Awards was full of weird shit and a couple of gems. But first, a¬†non-fashion related highlight: Lea Michele’s tribute to Cory Monteith after winning best comedy actress:

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A very sweet tribute to her late BF, co-star and heartthrob for teen theater kidz everywhere.

OKAY dry your tears now and focus: there was some really great style at the TCA. But also some really bad shit. Like, the worst shit I’ve seen in a VERY long time. The stuff made of nightmares. READY?!

HIT

Lily Collins (and sort of Bella Thorne)

EEEEP!! I LOVE Lily Collins outfit. That print is killer and totally vibin’ with the TCA. It’s fun, young, and totally California all while managing to still be chic. That’s a lot to fit into one outfit, but it definitely works. HOWEVER, yikes on the fact that Lily and Bella Thorne are wearing the EXACT SAME PRINT in different styles. I like Bella Thorne’s look too. It’s very Zach Morris meets a back alley, valley girl-on-girl mustache ride. HAWT. But Lily wins.

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Avan Jogia

I don’t know who this is. But I love that he is pairing black with brown (or he has a kickass stylist) That ‘no black with brown’ rule is SO TIRED. Really. Who cares. It manages to give all black or all brown ensembles a fresh kick in the ass. Love it.

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MISS

Abigail Breslin

WHAT! She is almost unrecognizable. Everybody’s favorite cute child star is growin’ tha fuck up. I have no idea what look she was going for here though. But hey-you’re bound to have a billion some style missteps as a teen. The dress looks like a fabric-happy homecoming dress. JUST SAY NO TO PLEATS BABY GURL. Also, the shoes blend in a little too well with her super fair skin, and same her white blonde hair. It’s summer, girl! Have you not been out on your bike, or swimming?! I can’t tell if her hair color looks bad because of her outfit or if she needs to get a role where they force her to have auburn hair. Lookin’ washed out is never in style, unless you’re going for heroin chic. Otherwise, get some low lights. And a better stylist plz!

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MESS

Ashley Benson

Oh dear god. This might be the worst outfit I’ve seen all year, and I live in the midwest. Good Fucking Lord.

To start, It doesn’t look like it fits properly on top, but it could just be the camera angle. Secondly, what the fuck is going on with the second third of the dress? The fabric is bunched weirdly at the waste making it look like she just pulled a Ke$ha and peed on the curb before walking the red carpet. Who knows! This might be peplum’s drunk cousin with a weak bladder. And the lower third of the skirt/dress/abomination is SO HORRIBLE. Are those sequins, AND lace, AND a third skirt thing underneath? Who the fuck made this dress? and WHY? Fuck terrorists, homeland security needs to get on whoever terrorized teen viewers with this shit.

¬†This is the worst dress I’ve ever seen.

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