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Taylor Swift is single again, another day has its dawn

9 Jan
taylor swift

Single again! Oh joy. Image via newnownext.com

Just like the sands of time, Taylor Swift finds herself without an 18-year-old boy to hug at nigh-nigh time. Here are my thoughts:

A) Why is Taylor Swift dating 18-year-olds?

I can barely masturbate to anyone my age, let alone ACTUALLY DATE THEM. And seriously, an 18 year-old? What the fuck does he have going on besides having been world famous for a minute? Sure, he’s got that confusing, side-swept hair ‘n bang combo that makes tweens excited in a really uncomfortable way. And maybe he has some money now, but if my exact and unfaltering recollection of boy band money managements past are any indication, I know that young Harry probably doesn’t have THAT much cash floating around. There’s also charm, but homeless guys on the bus can also be charming so that’s null and void.

B) Why does she always have a boyfriend?

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN T SWIFT Image via graziadaily.co.uk

Girlfriend needs to take some HER TIME. Stop dating anyone who looks kinda cute and is kinda famous. There are plenty of kinda cute boys to ruin your day when you get older. There’s no need to rush it! Hasn’t she seen every episode of Sex and the City? Love and relationship anguish literally never ends unless you’re lobotomized or in a coma 4ever.

Maybe it’s super lonely being that famous. And sadly it kind of seems like she never had a lot of friends growing up either. But the reason I like being single so much is because I have AMAZING friends. Maybe she should work on forming strong and true friendships this year instead of jumping on every cute celebrity who says they like her Max Martin-produced songs.

C) This may be why she gets dumped a lot

Harry Styles was reported as saying that during their Carribean fight, T-Swift proclaimed “You’re lucky to even be with me.” Whoa, bitch. That is uncalled for. Definitely some ego that NEEDS to be checked. Don’t say that, not to anyone, ever! You are one human being who just happened to become famous by writing songs about failed high school relationships. So what, we’ve all written angsty poems about our high school loves gone wrong. You are successful, but you are not a god. Don’t say shit like that.

I’m not picking sides here and I really don’t even want to defend Harry Styles because I like Taylor Swift’s latest album, but what EXACTLY is lucky about being with Taylor Swift? That once the inevitable break up happens, she’s gonna totally shit on you in an amazing song? Or that everywhere you go, paparazzi are following the both of you? Or maybe it’s the stupid celebrity couple name that need to die in a sick a twisted death that haunts him in his dreams? Haylor. HAYLOR. HUG ME HAYLOR I’M RIGHT HERE BREATHING MOISTLY ON YOUR EYE LID. 

They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com

They were cute. RIP suckaz. Image via andpop.com

Taylor: please, slow down. Be by yourself. It can be beautiful. Being alone is not sad. It’s fucking awesome. Pizza rolls? Anytime baby. Take a look into what you REALLY want in a partner, and not into their celebrity status or what kind of song you’ll get out of holding hands with someone you think doesn’t deserve to be with you. That’s kinda insane, girl. Get it together!

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Happy Birthday, Dr. Suess!!!

2 Mar

He’s SO right.

Happy birthday DS!!!

Happy Valentimes Day!!!

14 Feb

OR….

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day!!

Happy League of Women Voters Day!!!

Happy Lawrencium Day!!!!

Happy first diesel-powered submarine Day!!!!!

Happy Asbestos Strike Day!!!!!!

Remember, our dearest February 14th doesn’t have to just be about love. It can be about remembering the Canadian Asbestos Strike, the birth of Anna Howard Shaw, or the first diesel-powered submarine.

Or, you could simply be thankful this is (or isn’t) waiting for you at home after work. (Only if he had a good cabernet sauvignon)

Image via efunlist.com

Or maybe you’re super in love and this is going to be your heart all night long.

Image via tjhsst.edu

Or maybe you’re fresh out of a crummy relationship, and you’d rather pull one of these.

Image via sodahead.com

Or maybe you’ll be sharing these with a “friend”.

Image via nerdnirvana.org

Or maybe you’ll simply curl up on the couch and remember that, more than anyone, the Hoff still loves you.

Image via littleladybigapple.com

No matter what your status is on Valentine’s day, just know that it’s a day to celebrate all kinds of love. Even if it’s your undying love for David Hasselhoff circa his Baywatch years, or wearing a single pair of fundies.

Image via crushable.com

 Valentine’s Day dos for everyone:

Do Watch: 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Downton Abbey, The Walking Dead, Clueless, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Night of the Living Dead

Do Eat: Thai, Italian, French

Do Drink: Red wine, but beware of wine lips

Do for Dessert: Chocolate or whatever is best on the menu (or in the freezer)

Do Sing and Dance: Yeah, you heard me. Have fun. It’s simply a delight!

Valentine’s Day don’ts for everyone:

Don’t Watch: A documentary on civil war or Sophie’s Choice

Don’t Eat: Indian, hamburgers, chicken

Don’t Drink: too much. It’s a Tuesday… and possibly a date!

Don’t for Dessert: I’m drawing a blank.

Don’t Sing and Dance: If your dance moves have gotten you dumped before, start the place on fire and GTFO. And for the love of God, if you must dance, don’t do the sprinkler or any awful straight man dance like that. Nobody thinks it’s spontaneous and carefree. Nobody.

One hot brain: Voltaire

8 Feb
Work them curls, V. Photo via gutenberg.com

Work them curls, V. Photo via gutenberg.com

“Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.” -Voltaire

TRUE DAT.

Puppy Bowl VIII: What Super Bowl Sunday is really all about

5 Feb
Photo via animalplanet.com

Photo by David S. Holloway via animalplanet.com

I LOVE the Puppy Bowl. I think it’s one of the most genius things Animal Planet has ever done. Honestly. If you haven’t watched the Puppy Bowl because you’re a diehard football fan, or your just haven’t ever seen it, it will change your life. Not really, but it’s the cutest thing in the entire world.

First, the puppies are on teams and run around a small “field” with a chew toy football trying to “score points” (run around like puppies and look cute). Sometimes there’s pee, I’m sure there’s been a poo or two, but that’s just part of the fun.

Then, at halftime, the most amazing thing ever happens: The Kitty Halftime show. Kittys are placed on the field with kitty-like toys, but they all look frightened and pissed off and basically don’t do anything but hiss at things. It’s so joyous!

The animals are all provided by animal shelters that deal in pet adoptions. So not only is the Puppy Bowl amazing, but it also promotes pet adoption to (hopefully) loving families. What’s not to love!!!

Photos via animalplanet.com

Josh Hutcherson: Hottest celebrity since JTT or the middle Hanson brother

3 Feb
PEEEETA

Photo via hungergamesmovie.org

SWOON.

Image

Fashion: Toy bag

25 Jan

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I’m obsessed with this bag. I’m naming it Toy Bag, because I can’t find it anywhere on the Internet. It’s a little bigger than an iPhone! It reminds me of those toy purses we had as little girls that we would put stickers and toy lipstick in. I absolutely had to buy it, if only for the sake of nostalgia. And so I can pretend to be Cher Horowitz again. Spring is going to be colorful and wonderful.

It’s made from shiny, fabulous plastic so, you know, it can wipe clean when we spill our juice boxes (cocktails).

You can find the Toy Bag at Target in blue, pink and orange for $9.99.

Television: Golden Girls

24 Jan

In what may be the most necessary purchase of your life, the Golden Girls, seasons are on sale at Target. I just got seasons 1-4 for a total of $30. They are normally $15 a season. GO THERE NOW! The deal ends the 28th, don’t miss out on some elderly hilarity from the original Sex and the City.

yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!! Photo via topdealsonly.com

yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!! Photo via topdealsonly.com

Food: Girl Scout Cookie Season

24 Jan

Tis the season, bitches. That’s right: Girl Scout Cookies will be melting in our mouths in a little over two weeks. You can even enter your zip code for the nearest Girl Scout council in your area. This is one fine American tradition, folks.

These cookies make over $700 million every year. That's a lot of awesome cookies. Photo via school.salescrunch.com

These cookies make over $700 million every year. That's a lot of awesome cookies. Photo via school.salescrunch.com

What’s your favorite cookie?! It’ almost too cruel to choose.

This is cool: Chloe “Barbeque”

23 Jan

Because you enjoy barbeque and exacerbated rattlesnake merguez with mung bean fricassee.

Video via combine13.

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