Politik: Why are these people the Republican candidates?

Look how cute. They're playing dress up again. Bless their hearts! Image via onntv.com

Every time I hear a soundbite of the Republican political trail, I have to remind myself what kind of crazy is speaking and why I shouldn’t get red-in-the-face pissed off.

It seems pointless to even speak about the candidates who wish to run against Obama, because there isn’t even a chance in ironic hell that any of these people would be nominated to be President of the United States over Obama. But let’s give crazy a fun gander anyways, shall we?

The 2012 Republican candidate nominees

He looks quiet, yet he's probably thinking about how immoral your sex life is. Or death in utero and the Netherlands. Bummer. Photo via theatlantic.com

Rick Santorum pretty much wants to be a Christian moral guide for a country that is supposed to have religious liberties. Funny, I haven’t heard much about his foreign policies or anything else besides him talking about sex, death and abortion, none of which are our biggest problems nationally nor globally. Fetish, anyone?

Mitt Romney is a rich, white guy who is so out of touch with the country and people he wants to lead. He pays less taxes than the masses, and wants us to sympathize with the banks throughout the whole economic crisis. He’s right. The poor banks. He also probably bathes in money, eats gold salt on his mungbean salads and then attaches a small, immigrant family to the top of his car, for charity.

Ron Paul is the moderate-who-leans-right-man’s wet, political dream. I get the libertarian appeal. And to be honest, he definitely is the least crazy of the candidates.

RP, you are the least crazy of the bunch and probably the most in touch with reality. Good for you. Image via wethepeopleforpaul.com

But really, he wants to extend Bush tax cuts for the rich, yet accept an almost $40,000 a year salary to “stand with the American People,” from his “Plan to Restore America.” Restore it to what, exactly? His message sounds a lot more like ad-libs using “constitutional government,” “freedom-loving Americans” and “cut spending” in every grammatically correct free space. He likes peace though. If only the rest of his ideas were as good as that one.

 Newt Gingrich. Gingy as I like to think of him in my head. Probably my favorite candidate because I believe he truly IS a sociopath. Left a sick wife for another blonder, scarier, mistress-y wife who probably eats children, likes moon colonies, and wants to run America under what sounds like a “Freedom Dictatorship because Newt Rocks” agenda that’s written on his 7th grade trapper keeper. His doodles are good too.

Lessons learned

This woman will eat your soul, and then wear your face to bed. Would you want this to be first lady? Photo via sternfannetwork.com

So what have we learned about the Republican candidates? Just put the word freedom, liberty, cut spending and God in front of anything you want to do, and somehow, somewhere, you will be a republican candidate for presidency. Because people really enjoy being told by religious nuttys and millionaires how to live their lives and that they really aren’t all that poor. Who knew it was that easy?!

20poorandfabulous 2016.

“Freedom, Liberty, God, Justice, Blogs, Free ice cream for people named Steve, and Mac computers for all Latinos who can dance really well. Because this is the United States, dammit!”

About these ads

Hey Santorum, stay outta my sex life

Photo via thinkprogress.org

In more ways than one, please.

So I guess presidential hopeful(ly not) Rick Santorum cares about our sex lives, folks.

“…the whole sexual libertine idea… It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

Oh pray tell, Mr. Santorum!

…[sex] becomes deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure. And that’s certainly a part of it–and it’s an important part of it, don’t get me wrong–but there’s a lot of things we do for pleasure, and this is special, and it needs to be seen as special.”

Um, hello. A politician named Rick Santorum is not seriously talking to us about the decency of sex, is he? Sure, the last name is an easy and ironic target, but politician mixed with sexual moral high ground is also a frothy mixture best left hidden in cheap hotel bathrooms.

Activism, Amazing, Politik

Activism at its finest: Susan G. Komen Foundation WILL fund Planned Parenthood

Photo via myhero.com

Photo via myhero.com

Way to go internet!!!!

Public outcry, from the announcement that the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation would stop funding Planned Parenthood due to bullshit excuses and alleged pressure from the far right, caused Komen to reverse their policy. They will continue funding Planned Parenthood in efforts to provide breast exams and women’s health services to women in need.

Kudos to the Komen Foundation for considering the facts and impact their donations have on the lives of hundreds of thousands of women in the United States. Considering the facts and changing their mind does not make them weak, it makes them human and reasonable. What we need now more than ever is reasonable people and leaders. Good for them.

Photo via blog.mountunion.edu

Photo via blog.mountunion.edu

You know what, this is some HUGE good coming from the internet and social networking. We CAN make a statement and make our voices heard when something so obviously isn’t right. Women’s health is NOT political.

As Facebook and Twitter are the biggest public platforms to spread information, we can use these tools to our benefit and to make ourselves collectively heard. Much like Facebook uses us for their benefit in selling our information and us as ‘products’ benefit to businesses marketing and advertising.

Good work, social networkers and people of the United States!

Gross, Infuriation, Politik

Politik: Trump endorses Romney (nobody cares)

Photo via bbc.co.uk

This was shot in Trump's bedroom in front of his dollies and action figgies. Photo via bbc.co.uk

So Donald Trump, I mean billionaire Donald Trump, has endorsed Mitt Romney as the Republican party nominee. Oh, no one cares? Astounding!

First off, I don’t think the current state of affairs in the United States warrants any billionaire to be doing anything besides being Warren Buffett. (Taxing millionaires is not class warfare. What we currently live in is class warfare. Bazinga!)

Cut your eyebrows and get real. Photo via socialhype.com

Cut your eyebrows and get real. Photo via socialhype.com

Second, Ron Donald Trump tried to be president, or at least the republican nominee in ’08, and failed miserably. Oh, and some of his companies have filed for bankruptcy 4 times. Not what our country needs at the moment Señor Trump; we have enough debt and annoying businessmen who think they can be president, thank you!

Thirdly, who the fuck listens to Donald Trump anymore? Is he still relevant? I mean, his ‘your fiyad’ bit was funny for like a week in math class circa 2006. Maybe there’s a group of nomads trapped in a cave with a television permanently on, and the only thing playing is whatever the fuck his crappy show is called. I mean, he can’t even get real celebrities on his show. He’s no better than the producers of Teen Mom 2. Think about it.

Fourth, he supported the birther claim. Proof he’s a jerkface ninny muggins who needs to be shaved and left outside in June with no sunscreen on. Yeah, I mean business.

Rich people are annoying. Go away, Donald Trump. Forever.


Activism, Politik

Activism: Gay marriage bill PASSED in Washington State Senate!


Yup. Photo via pluckyonline.com

Yup. Photo via pluckyonline.com

This is some good news for a change. The Washington State Senate has approved gay marriage. Amazing.

You know, with the divorce rate in this country and so many celebrity marriages and divorces, the excuse that marriage is a religious and traditional sanctity reserved for the ever so pious man and woman union is redic. A large number of straight people have been shitting on marriage for a long, long time. Why not let EVERYONE shit on marriage?

Or, more positively, have some more people unite in monogomous relationships?

Plus, you know once more and more states pass gay marriage, because it absolutely will and is inevitable just like the civil rights movement, there are going to be so many gay wedding reality shows on TLC and E! that will entertain us to no end.



Politik: South Carolina GOP Primary, it’s a party!

Ha. Photo via CNN

Ha. Photo via CNN

Here we go again. Another hilarious attempt at trying to be president. So cute. Here are the boyz at the South Carolina GOP primary debate.

Vote for Leslie Knope

Vote for Leslie Knope

None of these people will be prez. I don’t have much beef against Ron Paul, at least he’s not a carbon copy of every GOP candidate like, ever. However, the others are a delightful santorum sundae, no? Gingrich is a hypocrite, Mitt Romney probably doesn’t even know who Nicki Minaj is, let alone our beloved Lady Gaga. That dude is out of touch. And Santorum, well… just no.

Can’t Leslie Knope just run for President? If she cared about all of us the way she cares about Pawnee, we could be great again people. Plus, Ron Swanson would probably be Vice-President. OMFG. All the meat-loving, gun-toters will love the VP, and Knope will get some serious things done for the good of humanity. Only in our dreams. And maybe the future 10th season series finale.

I’m not even stressed out or worried about the upcoming election. I don’t think anyone is, really. The republican vs. democrat platform is cracking, slowly but surely. All the lies about their personal lives and getting caught soliciting gay sex in bathrooms while you’re married is just so, so sad. Be gay. It’s ok. It’s normal.

Dearest hardcore, old, angry republicans,

I wish you would just relax. You always seem really upset, about which I have no idea. First world problems are tough, I know. But you can get through this. Yo, just take a hot bath, figure out your life and ponder why you are sometimes meanies and hate people for weak reasons. Go to India or something. Thailand would work too. Let us know if pad thai tastes the same, ok? Send a postcard too.

xoxo 20poorandfabulous + the rest of human beings


Politik: Rick Perry is out, Gingrich cheated on his wife for 6 years

Oooooo. Thank you, universe. Rick Perry, or George Bush 2.0 has cut his losses and dropped out of the GOP candidacy race. Hating on gays will get you nowhere, Mr. Perry. I hope you’ve learned your lesson!

Newt and his third wife, Callista Gingrich. You know, the one he had an affair with for 6 years when he was still married. Photo: Gage Skidmore

Newt and his third wife, Callista Gingrich. You know, the one he had an affair with for 6 years when he was still married. Photo: Gage Skidmore

Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, has been outed by his 2nd wife as allegedly wanting an open marriage. Which normally wouldn’t shock people too much, except for the fact that he’s running on a conservative, jerk-face platform, and I guess open marriages are frowned upon in the conservative, republican milieu.

His former wife, Marianne Gingrich, said Newt wanted an open marriage after admitting he had an affair with one of his aides for 6 years during their marriage. If that isn’t bad enough, Newt left Marrianne, when she was DIAGNOSED WITH MS, to marry the other woman, who is his current wife Callista Gingrich.

What kind of huge piece of shit cheats on his wife for 6 YEARS? Newt Gingrich, we’re looking at YOU. Also, what kind of bitch has an affair with a married man for 6 years? Callista Gingrich, we’re looking at YOU. Shit or get off the pot you jerks.

What is WRONG with politicians, man? I would rather a candidate come out with all of his dirty laundry first before being distracted from actual new stories about their philandering ways. “I smoke and I like hookers but dammit, I will not lie to the American public about my life or my intentions in office!” Sigh, if only. It’s no shock that politicians lie to the American public about their lives. Creating a false image of family togetherness is something all politicians, regardless of party, are guilty of. Right, John Edwards? If they lie about things like family life to get votes, what ELSE could they lie about?! Policy, promises, faith, etc.

Look, politicians and future politicos, you seem to be the biggest liars, probably of all time. Cut the crap, tell the truth. Change the game, instead of looking like jerks 24/7.