The actual best deodorant ever


I am a sweaty person.

Not like, dripping-from-my-forearm-in-an-air-conditioned-room kind of sweaty, but more like sitting-on-the-couch-in-a-moderately-warm-living-room-armpit-sweaty kind of way. It’s annoying as fuck.

Trying to find a deodorant that works–and one that is not also an anti-perspirant–has been impossible. Those deodorants, in my experience, are made for people who don’t sweat much at all and enjoy the routine wallet masochism of buying useless products. I have never smelled worse in my life than when I tried Tom’s deodorant. I even talked to some actual, real-life hippies about the stuff, and even they were like “Oh fuck no, Tom’s makes you smell worse.” And it really does–more so than if you had put nothing on at all.

So in my sad search for a deodorant that isn’t a complete waste of time and money, I’ve just been using the regular anti-perspirant that’s filled with aluminum. (I’m not an organic-everything purist, but some studies over the years have linked to Alzheimers and traces in breast cancer. Although they’re not conclusive, it’s still something I consider when looking at shit that’s going on my body.)

Until now.

Since gaining a nice boyfriend in the past two years–and seeing him leave behind important things like a toothbrush, a pair of socks and (fuck yes!) extra snacks–I’ve discovered a huge beauty secret that men have been hoarding for millenia: Old Spice deodorant.

I decided to try out his Old Spice because I was feeling very gender fluid and carefree that day. I slapped it on and was amazed hours later when I wasn’t sweating profusely or smelling like I just took a bath in the juice of a big, ripe onion. Now, nearly two weeks later, I still am not smelling gross and am defintely feeling like this deodorant works great. I’m hypothesizing that it might be the alcohol-based formula that is the pop star ingredient here, as it’s not found in many other deodorants.

One big question I had after my great discovery in stealing my boyfriend’s shit: why don’t they make an Old Spice for women? Are they afraid we will all turn into the literal Old Spice, the secret 6th member of the Spice Girls who was cut right before recording their debut album?

Underground press photo of Old Spice, the forgotten Spice Girl

Underground press photo of Old Spice, the forgotten Spice Girl

 I was considering writing them and asking why they didn’t have a girl version because it’s been working for me so well. And then 2015 hit me and was like, girl wear whatever the fuck you want, you don’t need a gendered version that costs 36% more and doesn’t even work! 

It would be great to see the Old Spice brand move towards a more gender-neutral advertising campaign since their product is the best deodorant I’ve ever used. After all, gender is kind of boring and whatever conglomerate makes Old Spice could really cut down on costs having to make a bunch of shitty products for the opposite sex when they could just focus on one great deodorant for everyone. Until then, Imma keep stealing my boyfriend’s Old Spice and appropriating this awesome man deodorant/scent for myself. I urge all self-proclaimed sweaty bitches to do the same!

It's ours now.

It’s ours now.

10 Terrifying Reasons Why You Should NEVER Get High On Bath Salts

I fucking love bath salts. Not for a weird high, but for my skin in the bathtub. Imma be pissed if crazy bitches who can’t just do the regular drugs ruin my bath experience by gettin’ this shit banned at stores. This may be one of them few few few times in my life where the sentence “Why can’t you just snort crack?” makes perfect and logical sense. Don’t snort bath salts y’all, just sprinkle them in your tub for smooth skin. Pick up a bottle of wine if you must. Trust me, it’s a lot nicer than snorting bath salts and eating a man’s face, and then being shot to death. Cheap wine ain’t that bad.

Next these turd munches will snort roasted beet salads and stolen truffle oil for their fix. Fuck that. Please don’t snort things I love.

10 Terrifying Reasons Why You Should NEVER Get High On Bath Salts.

The Demise of Guys: How video games and porn are ruining a generation

“…We are in a national, and perhaps global, Guy Disaster Mode that needs to be noticed and solutions advanced to fix a totally novel phenomenon, which will only increase in intensity and breadth without the concerted efforts of educators, gamemakers, parents, guys and gals. It’s time to press play and get started reversing these trends.”

via The Demise of Guys: How video games and porn are ruining a generation –

Health: Crystal deodorant is AMAZING

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I’ve been looking for a good deodorant for as long as I can remember. What’s a sweaty bitch to do? I’ve tried them all! All the normal deodorants (Speedstick, Dove, etc.) smelled nice but sort of lacked any kind of drying method that deodorant is supposed to inhibit. Plus their use of aluminum chlorohydrate and aluminum zirconium worries me, because they are linked to Alzheimer’s disease and breast cancer, both of which are in my family. Scary stuff, seeing as deodorant is something everyone (except those darn hippies!) uses everyday.

I’ve also tried the organic-y and natural “just deodorant” kinds too. I have to say those did not go well either. I think “just deodorant” deodorant is for people who don’t actually sweat and wanna feel like everyone else, so they slab some organic paste on and feel grown up (jealz!). But for real, I smelled worse after wearing Tom‘s all day long than if I hadn’t worn anything at all. So did all of my friends who tried it. It is awful. If you sweat, do not buy Tom’s.

Cringingly, I got prescription deodorant in middle school that was a higher dose of aluminum chlorohydrate. It was itchy, I had to put it on overnight and wash it off in the morning. Kind of a task to not sweat as much. Plus with all the modern day worries about aluminum in deodorant causing cancer and a bunch of other ailments, it doesn’t seem worth it to stop sweating. (Wouldn’t it be great if we just let ourselves sweat! It’s engrained to be embarrassing, which is lame because it’s just like pooping. Everybody does it! Society and customs are such a drag sometimes.)

Down on my luck and about to concede that I was going to be a sweaty gal for the rest of my days, I ran across a last ditch effort: Crystal Body Deodorant. It was in the corner of the deodorant aisle looking a little neglected. I saw the pink breast cancer ribbon on it, and then the price because it was cheaper than regular deodorant. So I bought it, hoping it would at least be better than the Tom’s debacle.

What it is

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It is a natural mineral salt. Really. Check it from the website:

“Crystal deodorants – the all-natural deodorant alternative to chemically laden commercial deodorants, are composed of mineral salts, which form a topical layer on the skin. While most deodorants mask odor with scents or fragrances, Crystal deodorants actually prevent body odor from beginning by creating a thin barrier above the skin so that bacteria cannot form. Available in both unscented and lightly scented versions, Crystal deodorants are hypoallergenic, non-sticky, non-staining, dry instantly and leave no white residue. Furthermore, Crystal deodorants contain no artificial coloring, chemicals, dyes or alcohol. They contain NO harmful aluminums, are not tested on animals, and are safe for the environment.”

I have never had a deodorant that has worked this well. Seriously. There is no sweat, and if there is it’s very little and not smelly like Tom’s makes you, even the unscented kind (I was disappointed about Tom’s). I have the Crystal roll-on and I love it. Check out their products here. I’ve been using it for about 3 weeks and it’s been amazing. It’s nice to know that there is a deodorant product out there that doesn’t feel like you’re rubbing future medical bills under your armpits. Definitely try it if you’re in the market for some new deodorant, or want to try something that doesn’t include aluminum chlorohydrate.