Gross, Uncategorized

5 WORST things about summer

icecream

“Summer is great” they say. “We can go to the beach” they say. “Shorts are fun” nobody they say. Sure, summer has its beautiful moments when you’re finally breaking free from winter’s weakening death grip around your pale, chubby neck. But now that we’re in the thick of it, I’ve got some griping to do because I’m charming like that. Holla atcha winter baby. Here are the 5 worst things about summer.

1. NIGHT SWEATS suck

So your winter cuddle and Netflix partner didn’t get fucked off the second your seasonal depression subsided. How great 4 U. But what are you supposed to do in the summer when laying in bed next to each other is about as appealing as sitting next to a bonfire at noon with a humidifier in the dead heat of July? It’s horrible. All you wanna do is snuggle up to your person of choice, but your A/C bill is more than your paycheck and maybe you don’t really need love anyways.

2. Bugs are fucking lame

Seriously. Yeah yeah yeah, the ecosystem, squirrels need to eat, something needs to look gross on my windshield so the powerful gas station squeegee lobby can control the weather with their billions. I get it. Bugs are still the most annoying thing on planet earth.

3. Hot Dogs are weird

‘Nuff said.

hot_dog

4. TV reruns are killing me

I know you’re supposed to be outside or whatever in the summer, and maybe it’s some government conspiracy with Hollyweird to get the kind folk of the nation into the outdoors for vitamin D and fresh air. I say whatever. These reruns of Ellen on tv all the time are sending me into an existential crisis. You can find me in the club / drowning in the screams of middle aged women at a live taping of Ellen.

5. Summer clothes are ugly

the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u think

the powerful dumb hat lobby is stronger than u know

It’s like the fashion world takes a vacation in January to screw you over for decent summer style. Maybe nobody cares what they look like in the summer because you’re sweaty and frizzy anyways. And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE crop tops. But the cold months definitely have a leg up on better clothing choices. RE: LAYERS. LEGGINGS. FUR COATS. Hats that don’t make everyone around you wish they had a stabbing knife for hat murder.

Honorable mention: Calvin Harris’ “Summer”

Pander-y bore tunes made for bros and basics. PUKE

 

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Gross, Music

Gross: Demi Lovato sells cars now

Demi Lovato, Car Saleswoman

EW. WHAT? Excuse me? Demi, are the first lyrics to your new song “Made in the USA” (PUKE TITLE) Our love runs deep like a Chevy? And is your chorus really cuz our love was made in the USA? Jesus. Nice try on the “Party in the USA” rip off, but no. Just… no.

Image via broadwayworld.com

She’s so edgy. Image via broadwayworld.com

How much do you think Chevy paid to have Demi Lovato, singer, actress, judge on The X Factor, to put a line referencing Chevy’s slogan in her song pukingly titled “Made in the USA”? Probably a lot. Oh, did I mention yet that Chevy is also the official car sponsor of The X Factor where Miss Lovato just happens to be a judge? Interesting! Transparent. And disgusting.

It’s like the mainstream music industry isn’t even trying to creatively cross promote anymore. Sure, Britney Spears made a couple of songs for Pepsi (and this AMAZING commercial that is my favorite commercial of all time), but she NEVER had a line in one of her albums about how good Pepsi is. It’s one thing to endorse a company and their product, but it’s another to bring it into your art or music and still call it art. It’s not art honey, it’s an ad. You make ads now.

Mental illness marketing is IN

The other thing that pisses me off about Demi Lovato is that she used/currently uses her mental illness(es) as a marketing tool. Come one, come all, o dearly afflicted teens! GROSS.

On one hand, she IS bringing awareness about mental illness into the homes of middle America. On the other, it seems a bit exploitative and confusing to talk about mental illness so much, and then release songs like this empty crap that have nothing to do with anything besides bringing brand awareness to said afflicted teens. Sort of like, Hey guys! I’m bipolar and depressed too. It really sucks, but you should check out this new 2014 Chevy. They are cool now. Skip the therapist to go for a test drive, cuz this shit runs DEEP. 

She's totally upset about the growing wealth disparity, you guys. Image via depotpicture.com

She’s totally upset about the growing wealth disparity, you guys. Image via depotpicture.com

Demi Lovato is the epitome of an uneducated, blank industry pawn. It’s not like she’s the first one ever, but she’s definitely the most obvious this year. It hurts me to know that these young stars, Miley, Justin, Selena, T-Swift, don’t have college educations, because I think a lot of them would be woken up to just how shitty of an influence they are on the world. It pains me to think about what’s going through their heads when they think of the world, life, entertainment, capitalism, commercialism, sexuality etc. *Shivers*

All in all, Lovato’s career is kinda doomed. She’s not ever going to be taken seriously as an ‘artist’ because of shit like this. There’s not really any coming back from corporate shillings. Cuz honestly, what’s next? A song about using Veet on your vag because boys think pubic hair is icky? “I love to Veet my vagina/it makes all the boys say ‘Hey Demetria!'” Wait that’s pretty good, actually.

I pray for my country.

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Activism, Gross

Pregnant teen with cancer has died because the Domincan Republic is full of huge pieces of shit

 

OH GREAT. Good to know people in the DR give more of a shit about a fetus, magical Catholicism and being fucking idiots than a live person. Now the 16-year-old who happened to be pregnant AND have cancer, are both dead! Way to go, Dominican Republic. Because of your politicians and superstitions about killing an undeveloped human, you’ve killed a fetus (the thing you were so fussy about not fucking up!) AND a real live human with a serious illness! That must feel good. Your God must be proud. A great day for the Dominican Republic.

Fucking assholes.

The Pregnant Teen Cancer Patient Who Couldnt Get Chemo — Or an Abortion — Is Dead.

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Gross

Summertime sadness is upon us all

OH GOD. The month where all summer activities become stale. The clothes are worn. You don’t even think about the sun anymore, because it’s there all the time. Then when it goes away, it’s like “what the fuck is going on.” Fall clothing hasn’t HIT THE FUCKING STORES YET. All the shitty summer clothes are on sale. Summer romancing is starting to fuck with your life. This is summertime sadness my friends.

ALL HAIL THE RETURN OF FALL. Gaga’s ready. Are you?

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Gross, Television

Olympics: What the fuck NBC!!!

Image via extratv.com

NBC is SO dropping the ball with the Olympics coverage of London 2012.

First of all, why would they want to impede ANYONE from seeing the beauty that is the olympic athletes? Good lord, those men and women are supa fine. Ryan Lochte, however mundane yet innocent his twitter feed may be, is one good lookin’ piece of gold medal history. And the swimmers! Ye Shiwen just broke a world record AND was faster than all the boys, all at 16! (Of course now there are doping allegations. But fuck that until it’s proven bitches, cuz ladies rule and boys are slow)

Second, the Olympics are a world game. It’s supposed to be a global celebration of sport that we can all enjoy and root for our countries. But how are we supposed to do that when NBC has the absolute worst producers ever? I don’t wanna watch Jeopardy Kids in the middle of the day. Where are the game reruns bitches?! Thanks to not being able to mold my schedule to the shitty NBC scheduling of the Olympics, I missed women’s gymnastics which is THE SHIT. Who knows how many countless people are feeling the same strife.

I bet they use Internet Explorer over at NBC. Figures. Image via fitperez.com

Now, you’d think “Hey, it’s the age of the internet! They must be live streaming and uploading videos of the games to rewatch constantly!” NOPE. In an attempt to show my friend the AWFUL London opening ceremony, I was aghast. The footage was nowhere to be found. Not on NBC’s website and not in any pages I could find in the days following the ceremony.But lo and behold, Beijing’s was on NBC’s website. Thank God, because that’s fucking relevant!

On top of that, you have to have a specific cable subscription to live stream on the internet. Is NBC in such bad shape that they can’t afford to live stream the Olympics?  Would they not make more money from running live streaming internet ads? Who dropped the ball on this?! It’s 2012 for God sakes. You can watch your neighbor jerk off on a webcam, but for some ungodly reason you can’t find good Olympic coverage on the internet. SO. LAME.

Let’s hope another big network gets the games next time, because this is excruciating. Feel free to voice annoyances over at their lackluster twitter!

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Gross

Cue apocalypse: Fake bang headbands for baby girls who don’t have lots of hair

Oh my god. Oh my god. Really?! You know, babies tend to not give a shit about anything except discovering life and putting dirty things in their mouths and throwing up on people (that was yesterday awesome). How weird and insecure of the parents to dress their kid in a WIG so people can tell that it’s a girl. WEIRD. JUST TOO WEIRD. I’d rather watch two girls one cup again than see a baby wearing bangs so the mother isn’t insecure about something that absolutely does not matter.

Let the babies be babies for god’s sake!

Also, can you imagine how hilarious and embarrassing it will be when these kids grow up and realize their mom made them wear a wig? I can already feel the therapy bills. Neat!

Baby Bangs! | BabyBangHeadBand.com.

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Gross

Gross: Avril Lavigne and her new-ish video

Oh god. Oh me oh my. This exists. You don’t have to watch it unless you don’t care about the next 3 minutes of your life. I don’t hate her personally or wish her ill, but professionally what the hell is she doing?! Who is her fan base? It’s another Pink situation. They’re huge but nobody you know listens to them. It’s like they are pop stars of an alternate universe that you will never enter because DUH Britney, Madonna and Gaga are the holy trifecta of ours.

Also, Lavigne shaved her head in a skrillex type cut. WHOA. SOMEONE’S EDGY OVER HERE. REALLY, REALLY EDGY. DAMN.

And really, what is the point of that music video. She lights a flower on fire in a creepy warehouse (girl, only people on heroin/meth/rusty nail fetishes stay in places like that. And you date Brody Jenner. Come on. You’re happy. Stop this weird non-edgy edgy shit. For ALL of us.

I miss the Sk8er Boi days. Sigh!

WHOA. EDGY. REALLY REALLY EDGY. Image via huffingtonpost.com

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Gross, Health

10 Terrifying Reasons Why You Should NEVER Get High On Bath Salts

I fucking love bath salts. Not for a weird high, but for my skin in the bathtub. Imma be pissed if crazy bitches who can’t just do the regular drugs ruin my bath experience by gettin’ this shit banned at stores. This may be one of them few few few times in my life where the sentence “Why can’t you just snort crack?” makes perfect and logical sense. Don’t snort bath salts y’all, just sprinkle them in your tub for smooth skin. Pick up a bottle of wine if you must. Trust me, it’s a lot nicer than snorting bath salts and eating a man’s face, and then being shot to death. Cheap wine ain’t that bad.

Next these turd munches will snort roasted beet salads and stolen truffle oil for their fix. Fuck that. Please don’t snort things I love.

10 Terrifying Reasons Why You Should NEVER Get High On Bath Salts.

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Gross, Health, Relationships

The Demise of Guys: How video games and porn are ruining a generation

“…We are in a national, and perhaps global, Guy Disaster Mode that needs to be noticed and solutions advanced to fix a totally novel phenomenon, which will only increase in intensity and breadth without the concerted efforts of educators, gamemakers, parents, guys and gals. It’s time to press play and get started reversing these trends.”

via The Demise of Guys: How video games and porn are ruining a generation – CNN.com.

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Gross

Gross: Time Magazines WTF cover of the year

Image via buzzfeed.com

WTF!!!! I don’t care about attachment parenting. There’s something in that kid’s eyes that says “When I’m 38, I won’t be able to fuck you without thinking about my mom.” WEIRD SHIT DUDE. Weird start to a Thursday.

Time Magazines Provocative New Cover

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