Guest blog: DM at the movies, homosexual dark knight

23 Mar

Guest blog courtesy of Dick Montgomery

So I was super excited to be at The Hunger Games midnight showing. The place was crowded with tweens, although none of them were dressed up. The energy at midnight showings is always awesome, because you know you’re surrounded by fellow fans. I went alone, and sat behind a block of 5 baby-faced teens. They were texting, and talking in sentence fragments as they discussed their senior skip day plans for the next day. Thankfully the previews came on and quieted the inane streams of drivel pouring out of their mouths.

Katniss shoots homophobes with her bow and arrow skills. Image via usatoday.com

It was after the twilight preview that the justin-bieber clone directly in front me made a VERY stupid decision. As a demonstration of his recently discovered testicles, he decided to shout “Twilight is fucking gay!” His now mortified lady friends promptly told him to shut up, because “Twilight is amazing.” to which he responded, “Maybe if you’re a fag.” As a fag who does not particularly enjoy Twilight nor homophobia, I was rather put out. It’s always kind of shocking when you encounter such brazen bigotry in public, and by the time I had really processed what had happened, the movie had started and I wasn’t going to miss any of this movie on account of this douche nozzle. The movie was great, and the bieber-clone didn’t feel the need to posture his pallid impersonation of masculinity any further.

By the time the end credits started rolling, I realized that I needed to educate this asshole before he assaulted civility and human decency again. We were all dumb high schoolers once, and it’s a great time to be chewed out for being an idiot. I decided to use a gruff approach, probably because I had just watched 22 children murder each other. Before I really had a solid set of talking points, I reached forward and grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. I pulled his face over to mine and turned him so I could make eye contact. As I stared him down, I delivered the following warning in a voice not unlike Christian Bale’s Batman.

Lisa and Erin are bitchy. Image via unrealitymag.com

Bro, You should probably be a lot more cautious about using homophobic language in public. You never know when there’s a fag sitting right behind you who’s FUCKING SICK of hearing your ignorant bullshit.”

It was obvious by the look in his eyes that at this point he was convinced I was about to do awful things to him. I pushed him away and swaggered off as he stammered half-formed words of apology.

It’s important to note that it is actually I who was scared shitless; I had no idea I had that in me. As I walked into the parking lot I shakily lit a cig and absorbed what just happened. After the initial shock at what a fucking badass I was, I cranked the radio in my car (which happened to be playing “Sexy and I Know It”) and drove away feeling ten feet tall.

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One Response to “Guest blog: DM at the movies, homosexual dark knight”

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  1. You guys, stream episode 1 of HBO’s “Girls” on Youtube fo free!! « 20poorandfabulous - April 17, 2012

    [...] Dick Montgomery on the Jezebel article: People love to hate millennials. We’re shifting the paradigm and [...]

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